Me Too

5

"Sofia! Talk to me!"

"What is there to talk about, Dove?" She yelled, dragging her hands through her hair. "I swear I'm losing it with you! And I don't know why!"

I groan, tears running down my glowing face, red and wet, I might as well mention that my heart is falling out of my chest. I take a step too close to her and she backs away, throwing her arms. She isn't one to get mad, I don't know how to approach her. When she swung at me- away from me- I threw myself back, stumbling over my numb feet. I softened, "Sofia?"

She would never hurt me.

Sofia is not Ryan.

"I can't do this!"

I drop on her bed, holding my head, gripping every edge of my brain. "What did I do wrong?" I ask, my voice shutting off, overpowered by a weight on my chest.

She took a breath, completely fine. She has a raised voice, her hands are raw from rubbing them together, but she is not crying, she is not a mess like I am. This is easy for her. "You didn't do anything. I am not supposed to be like this."

"Why?" I plead without patience. "Why do you think there is something wrong with you?"

She covered her mouth, but I heard the cracking sigh. I also saw the wells under her eyes, threatening to drip. "Because I didn't choose to be like this." She paused, dropping her hand. She hated how ridiculous that sounded, she had no other way to explain.

"What do you mean, Sofia? This? What is this?" I ask, leveling with her and dropping my hostility. I heaved in a breath, hoping to show surrender. I can't listen if I am screaming; I want to know what is going on in her head.

"Gay, Dove! I don't want to be gay. I was always different from everyone else. I've known it since the minute I met Sabrina. I'm not like other people, and my parents told me that constantly! My mother made sure I knew what I was doing with Sabrina was a mistake. What is to say that something has changed? Nothing has changed since then. I am still wrong for feeling this way." She swayed in the doorway of her bedroom.

I am sitting on her bed in her room in her apartment. It was never ours, I only ever laid here. None of this was ever ours. I just swept in because it was convient. She was heart broken when she invited me to move in with her a few months ago; I needed her comfort through the dark hours just as much as she needed someone to hold at night. I'm nothing but a rebound for her. But she is so much more to me.

"You're different, so what? Why is that so bad?" I ask. "You have never wanted to be like anyone else, Sofia." I let the scalding water trickle down my cheek, I slump my shoulders and purse my lips, tasting the salt. "Sofia, I don't want you to be like any one else. I love you for who you are."

She was preparing herself, massaging her hands slowly as she shook. "I didn't want anyone to know that I liked women because I wished every day of my life that I was just waiting for the right man. Then I fell in love with Sabrina- maybe it was love, maybe I was confused. I told myself every day that I was infatuated for all of the wrong reasons."

I sighed. My throat swelling again. "What wrong reasons?"

"There were guys before, and I just never wanted them." She sniffled, drying her tears, my invicible woman never cries, "And then Sabrina came along, and I felt love for the first time. After Sabrina and I broke up the first time, I couldn't find a man that loved me the way she did. Then I was so desperate, I met up with women just to test if it was something wrong with me, and I had flirtationships with so many girls, but it wasn't love. I didn't want a future with them. Nobody would love me like she did, so I went back to her, and then it was over in just a few short weeks. I crawled back and lost her again. On and off and on and off.
"Sabrina and I got back together for what seemed like the millionth time after spending so much time together working on Adventures in Babysitting, and I was sure we were still perfect together. But, she didn't. She fell in love with a man two weeks after we rekindled. She left me and I thought I'd go back to looking for a guy for myself, and then you came along. You love me in a way that not even Sabrina did.
"I told myself after our first date that I'd give it one more try to find the right man for me and I never found one- I will never find a guy that loves me like you love me. I know I won't because this is how I was made. No matter how much I wish I could change it!"