Me Too

20

"Sofia, I have to tell you something." She listens attentively, she is so focused it paralyzed me. An eneternity passed. She shifted in her seat and set her fork down, leaning towards me. She is waiting, and we both know I have to do this. "I hate to ruin dinner, but-"

"Dove, what is it?" She was about to leave. I can't let this wait!

"Ryan-" raped, assaulted? "And I had sex. Well, not really. It's a long story: we were home for the weekend a few months after our engagement and it all just happened."

"What happened?" Horror drew a cartoon on her face. My girlfriend was disgusted already, still, I destroyed her pure mind.

"We had just walked inside, he had been acting rather weird during dinner before, at the event, and the car escort home. I didn't understand why he was so uncomfortable. When we got home, he grabbed my shoulder forcefully- or maybe it was just a light tug, I don't know. He tore the keys from my hands and tossed them on the counter. He shed his jacket and put it next to my phone and keys. He picked me up, a lot harder than he usually did. He put me to his waist, and I didn't think about it as anything out of the ordinary. It was just a kiss.
"After a minute, I was a bit startled to notice I had aroused him," I look down, away from her wide eyes. "I had, and so that was my fault. I didn't want to embarrass him, so I asked him to set me down. I could change out of my dress while he got over the stimulation. And he did let me go, he did. But only for a second. I was stupid enough to think he would move on.
"I had gotten to the living room before I heard him groan and his footsteps came towards me. The kind of thumping you hear in horror movies echoed. He was behind me in a matter of seconds, a blink of an eye was all it took. Time stopped for me.
"I already had my dress unzipped because I was planning on taking it off, so I had given him easy access. Again, that was my mistake. He shoved me to the ground, maybe, I'm not sure- I didn't catch up to real time until I was stripped to my bra and underwear. Even then, I didn't realise what was going on. I was dazed. Maybe I was in the heat of the moment like he was and I am overreacting.
"Well, he did what he did, and he promised he loved me. I didn't know any better. He didn't see that he did anything wrong- neither of us knew how to initiate the mood, or how to go about starting, and we were both virgins. We didn't know how sex was supposed to feel; I didn't know that that was not the right way to take someone's virginity. I didn't understand why everyone said sex connected them to their partners. I didn't know why I felt so afraid of him after that.
"Until a few months later, I didn't understand why I was scared to fall asleep. I realised too late that it wasn't normal to be woken up with him on top of me. Sleeping isn't as debilitating as being drunk, so maybe it isn't an act of assault, but to me, it feels like it was an attack. I feel like being asleep is as unconsentual as intoxicated, but others don't. I don't know.
"I broke things off with him in October and things obviously stopped, but sometimes it still feels like I'm in danger. He's still in my memories, and it happened. I didn't know how to tell you because I don't want you to look at me differently, or pity me, or be angry at Ryan- or at me for letting him continue to do it. I didn't wait to tell you because I didn't think you needed to know, I kept it because I don't want you to take it the wrong way-"

"Chloe, you're starting to scare me." Sofia petted my shoulder. The cab abruptly stopped and I grasped, grabbing Sofia's thigh. She flinched as I seared finger prints into her dress. "Please tell me what is going on."

"Nothing, I'm sorry," I blurt. I set my hand to my stomach. I blink the dryness from my eyes and catch my breath. "I just don't feel well."

"Do you feel sick?"

"Just dizzy, faint- I might pass out. I don't know. I can't focus, and, yes, I feel sick." My stomach was cramped and my head spun, my eyes hazed as if I were crossing them. I tried to shake it off. "It's fine, I'm alright. How far are we from the restaurant?"