A Believer: Smiling Again (Vol. 2)

Record 19: I Cannot See My Future

All is so blur for me at this moment. I don't understand anymore why I am here. I mean in this place where I am today. 

How to smile genuinely, when what you want to do is to show others how you really felt?

How to look at people's eyes without them noticing you're not okay of what they are making you do?

How to work with people, you don't understand anymore how they are with you? If still good or not? 

How to find God in this kind of situation? I choose to be silent, or I should say, it's better to be silent than telling others how I felt and doesn't care. 

And may be, it's just me..only me who thinks it's like that.. who can understand and help me find the answers of everything that bothers me..? When everybody arounds are not trustworthy anymore? 

Why they are always the reason of my distress..? Why I am still here and serving them? Why I am still on their side when someone else are bad mouthing them?

I heard them saying today, "Here in the Philippines, it is not important who is right and who is wrong. What is important is who you know." They added also that when you have a position, you can do anything. So that's how they work. That's how they treated me, and some of us. 

What also I have observed that when you failed them once. It is already enough to treats you a failure forever.  And that's what happened to me.. and I don't know if may magagawa pa ako sa pananaw nila na iyon sa akin?..If wala na talaga, then let it be. 

The very reason of why I am here, is not what I see anymore. It's different from how I expected it and truth be told, I am scared...really chills me down to my feet.. Want me to cry so many times, but tried not to..because I don't want them to see my weak side. Even now, while typing this chapter, a warm liquid starts forming from my eyes and made my vision become blurry.. As blur as how I see my future in this place where I am. 

Should I follow what my bestfriend told me? She said, " keep away from people who only look down on you..I advise you to leave that place.." 

If God will make a way for me to get out from this place, I'll gladly embrace the chance..there's a lot of things I love and already learned to live with in this place, but..it seems that I cannot live forever with them. It's poisoning me so much and it's hard to survive..because not long I know I will let go of the thread that I keep holding on even to this time.. When I know before it came I shouldn't have touch...