Can't hate you || e.d

Inked scars

Sun

On the next morning I let him rub some lotion on my sensitive, inked skin so I wouldn't get any infections. I wanted to do it but he insisted so I let him. It seemed like he was enjoying it. As if he was painting a picture.. he was so concentrated, silent and peaceful that I wanted to watch him forever.. He was really careful but I winced a little bit.

He put the lotion away and took a deep breath. The silence was bothering me a little bit.. He sat down next to me and looked at me... I needed to do something because the whole situation felt so uncomfortable.. I didn't even know what was wrong. Everything was alright last night but now he was silent again.. I knew that things were going through his head again and I wanted him to share these thoughts with me.

I sat up and swallowed. I didn't want to annoy him again.. or push him.. make him feel uncomfortable about it. It seemed like he was mad at me.. maybe because of the tattoos.. I decided to finally ask him what's been going through my head all the time.

"Why.. do you have scars on your arms?" I asked really carefully with a quiet voice. Speaking normally seemed too loud in that moment.. he already seemed sad but he was definitely trying to show it off. Unsuccessfully.

I squeezed my hair behind my ear and held his hand. He needed to know that I wasn't doing it to make him angry.. he needed to know that I was there for him.. that I was there and that he didn't need to suffer. Sharing his pain was going to make it all better.. I wasn't going to judge him.

"Where.. are they coming from?" I asked when he didn't answer.. I was really nervous because it seemed like this was something really really important to him. Something that made him really sensible. He furrowed his eyebrows and looked at his arms..

"My dad.. my past.. my childhood.. from everywhere I guess." his voice was so low and deep.. his painful smile broke my heart.. it seemed like he's been fighting and suffering for too long.. I was curious about his answer.. I didn't want to imagine that he had scars from his childhood.. or from his dad. I imagined the worst things..

"Your dad?" I asked carefully and he nodded. "Yes.. and Blake." he answered. That confused me. How could they hurt him? None of them seemed like they would hurt him in any way. I couldn't understand him.. maybe it was all just on accident that left scars forever. I wasn't going to jump into conclusions. I was going to ask and let him explain.

"Did they.. did they hurt you?" I was scared to ask because I was scared of his answer. He nodded again and I felt sick. That wasn't making any sense. His dad was so nice and so was Blake. I didn't want to believe that they did this to him... I was confused. "But he-.." he cut me off. "You Don't know him.." his voice was broken and he sounded angry. I could hear it no matter how much he tried to hide it. But he was right. I only met his dad like two or three times and didn't really get to know him.. it was the same with Blake and I was with Dean.. so I had to believe him. He knew them better than me..

"And why did you cover them?" I wanted to know everything about it, even if talking about it was hurting it and even if that made me really selfish. He looked at our interlocked hands and answered "I was tired of seeing them.. getting judged.. and remembering how they made me feel." that sounded really sad. He sounded really sad but I knew that there was more than sadness. He was really furious about it all... "But now they have real meanings." then he looked at me again.

I felt that heavy feeling on my chest. It made me feel like I couldn't breathe. I didn't want him to tell me about the details. About how they hurt him, why they hurt him.. or anything else about it. I could see that it was hard for him but he was ready to talk about it. Unfortunately I was so curious that I wanted to know everything about it but it already made even me almost cry. Knowing that he had a difficult past made me emotional. It was obvious that it wasn't easy for him and that was probably why he was so difficult.. why he was struggling and being who he was..