Favorable (Jamilton)

37. Laurens

John watched sadly as Alexander turned away from him again. He knew that he deserved it and he regretted agreeing to it, but he was trying to explain himself and Alex wasn't even trying to listen! Then again, there really isn't any way to put it without making himself seem worse. 

'Oh yeah, I helped kidnap you because I'm totally jealous that Thomas gets to be with you and not me!'

'I know that I said I wanted you to be happy, but apparently, that means by my own standards because I'm a selfish dickwad!'

'You should forgive me. Why? Because I kidnapped you but I'm trying to prove that I'm not an asshole by talking to you in your cell while your boyfriend is out there flipping his shit trying to find you.'

None of those options really seemed like great choices but he wanted to help get Hamilton out somehow. The only problem with that was that any time he brought it up to Maria, she freaked out and refused to even think about it. He couldn't get Alexander out by himself without something going wrong and both of them dying, so he decided to leave it alone. 

"Laurens, I said leave." Alex's voice brought John back to reality. "I'd like to enjoy the peace and quiet that you 'helped' me get." 

Laurens sighed and left. He left the basement and realized that he'd be in even more trouble if he got caught after curfew and judging by the already pitch dark outside world, it was time for him to head home. He didn't bother saying bye to anyone before he left, mostly because he hated everyone there. 

As he walked, he was half tempted to just tell Thomas what was going on. It would have saved Jefferson some sanity, John some conscience, Alex some trauma, and everyone some time. John had no idea what happened when he was gone but every time he went to check on Alex, he would take a peek at Samuel and he would have a new bruise every time.  

As much as Samuel needed out, Alexander was definitely John's priority. 

He made it into the apartment building with just a few minutes to spare. Which would have prompted some questions from his friends had they not already been asleep. He went straight into his room and sat down on the bed. He didn't want to lay down, he just wanted to sit for a second. 

He felt like a little kid again. It felt like if he closed his eyes, he'd be back in his childhood home thinking about how he hated his mom for sending him to his room. He snuck a cookie to eat, even though they were for his sister's bake sale. That was it. He didn't kidnap his best friend. 

John tried to push down the nostalgia but he couldn't. He didn't want to think of anything else. All he wanted was for his mom to come in, hold him, and tell him that it was going to be alright and that they'd figure it out together, just like she did when he came out to his family.

He wanted it so much that he even looked over at the door, expecting her to walk in. 

But of course, he was completely alone in this and he had to push through his own mess. 

He put a hand over his mouth when he felt the heavy tears coming. 

It had become such a normal thing for John to be sitting with a hand clamped over his mouth and tears making steady streams down his cheeks in the middle of the night that he didn't even know when it started. He could think about it and say for sure, but it felt like something he'd always done.

He thought about what Alex was feeling. How betrayed and hurt he must have felt when he realized that John had something to do with his kidnapping. He thought about how disappointed his family would be and how much his friends would hate him if they found out. He wanted to tell them everything and to end everything, but he couldn't bring himself to do it because he didn't want them to leave him. He knew that it was what he deserved, but that didn't make it any easier to do. 

Unfortunately for him, the door creaked open and left him backed into a corner. 

"John? Are you alright?"

John quickly wiped his eyes like that would help, which it didn't, before Lafayette could see the tears.

"Y-Yeah, I just. . . I had a hard day, it's fine," he lied. 

Laf seemed to see through it and sat down next to him. He put an arm around John's shoulders and rubbed his arm comfortingly.

"It's okay, mon triste ami, you can tell me what's going on, you know."

John nodded as his tears got heavier.

"I-I did something bad, Laffy. I did something really really bad and I don't know what do. . ." he was sure that most of his words were muffled and choked out, but his friend seemed to understand fine. Laf nodded.

"Deep breaths. Souvient toi de respirer," Lafayette whispered. He was probably using the "repeat it in different languages" rule that he always used when comforting anyone. He said that it made the brain think a little harder and took away from the focus on the problem. "Tell me what you did."

"Y-You're gonna hate me."

"I won't. If you want to fix it, you regret it and I'd forgive you for trying to fix what you did." 

"I was just-- I was just jealous and she came and I thought it was a good idea at the time but it wasn't and I want to take it back and now I can't--"

"John. Breathe." Laf inhaled deeply as an example and exhaled when John copied him. 

"I. . . I know where Alex is." 

"Why didn't you say something sooner! John, that's important, we could use that to get the kidnappers. . . arrested. . . Oh, my God, what did you do." 

"I-- I'm sorry! It wasn't supposed to go this far, I swear!"

"You've been helping us look!" 

John wrapped his arms around himself as Lafayette jumped off the bed. 

I knew it, he thought. I knew it, he hates me. He's going to tell Hercules and he'll hate me, Thomas will hate me, they'll all hate me. Maybe they'll understand that I was manipulated? No, they'll hate me. They won't understand, they'll all hate me. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it--

"John!" Lafayette yelled, shaking Laurens's shoulders lightly. "We need to tell Thomas." 

"No! I can't do that!" 

"Why not?"

"Because! He'll hate me, and he'd probably kill me and I just can't do that." 

 "John, he's Alexander's boyfriend. We need to tell him. He needs to know." Laf sighed. "I know you don't want us to hate you, and I don't hate you. But actions have consequences and you need to understand that. If they decide to hate you for what you did, you don't have the right to be mad about it." 

John nodded sadly and wiped his eyes again like it would help with the tears. Just like before, it didn't. Since he left his blood family, Mulligan and Lafayette had been the closest thing he had. They'd been together through thick and thin and he didn't want to lose them as friends or family but he couldn't get through his first year of college without fucking it up. 

Lafayette seemed to soften slightly as he sat down on the bed again. He pulled John into a hug and let him cry as they rocked back and forth. 

"I don't hate you, John. I won't hate you. Neither will Hercules. We're a family, alright? What you did was stupid and you will have to face the consequences, but I won't hate you for something you regret."

John couldn't seem to form words, so he just nodded. He closed his eyes and imagine his childhood home again. The only difference being his family was Lafayette, Hercules, and Alex. He could practically smell the fresh baked cookies and he had no idea if that made him feel better or worse. 

"Please help me," John whispered. "I don't want to tell Thomas on my own, please?"

It took Laf a second to reply, but he agreed to help tell Thomas. John would have to talk, but Laf would be there with him to make sure no one died.