All She Wishes | Shawn Mendes | ✔

27. Of Wishes And Likes

"She wasn't sad anymore
She was numb
And she knew
Somehow
Numb was worse."

~ Atticus

▫▫▫

Thirty one hours.

I had isolated myself from the world for thirty one. I had been staring at the cracks in the wall for thirty one horrible pain-filled hours. I already had the cracks memorized.

I was huddled on the cold tile floor, my knees pulled to my chest with my lean arms wrapped tightly around them. It was a wonder how the blood hadn't stopped flowing through my veins when I felt so lifeless already.

Over and over and over again, everything that happened in Shawn's room replayed in my mind and it seemed as if I was watching a movie. A heartbreaking movie.

I remembered our kiss. Our long, mind-numbing kiss. The feel of his lips against mine, the touch of his hands on my body. But then, I remembered the what had happened after the kiss.

The way he ruthlessly crushed my heart by asking me to get out, the look of pure hatred on his face when I slapped him, and how heartbroken I'd felt as I walked out of his room.

It was the exact reason why I was sitting here alone in my room, a heartbroken mess. He did this to me, he broke my feelings, he broke my heart.

Shawn Mendes broke me.

I tried to cry but it seemed as if I'd run out of tears to shed. Thirty one hours of crying and reminiscing had left me drained of all feelings. My parents had been to my room twice to check up on me, and they had thought that I was sad because of what Shawn had said to me at the dinner, but I wasn't feeling chatty enough to tell them that he'd done worse. Much worse.

They had tried to get me down for breakfast, but it was hopeless. There wasn't really a point of eating because I couldn't feel anything. What was the assurance that I could taste? The would taste just like cardboard if I tried.

When the ground became too cold and hard for my already sore butt, I stretched my curled up self out and I swear I could hear every disturbing sound my bones made. I tried to stand but my legs were as limp as noodles and I fell back down to the cold floor. My legs had been folded for way too long.

I grabbed hold of the edge of my bed, slowly pulling myself up and once I was on two feet, the whole world seemed to spin around me. I quickly steadied myself by resting on the wall.

My heart pounded against my chest and I managed to get myself to the bathroom, feeling like a nightmare itself.

I stared at myself in the mirror and I didn't recognize the stranger staring back at me. Her once beautiful eyes were bloodshot and swollen from hours of crying and her hair was a tangled mess. Dried tears stained her cheeks, leaving their salty trail behind.

She could not be me.

I would have given anything to be assured that this ruined girl the mirror reflected as me, was anything but me.

I slowly backed away from the mirror to resist the fighting urge to smash it into a thousand pieces. I discarded my clothes clothes - a large gray t-shirt that stopped halfway down my thighs and black panties - instead and tossed them in the hamper before I stepped into the shower.
The hot water that hit me, eased my nerves a little. I sat in the tub, knowing that I was going to be in there for hours. My hair became heavier as the water poured down on it.