Afraid of Falling - Logince & Logicality

Chapter Seven

It has been a day since the fire. I didn't remember much, it was all a blur. I remembered someone taking me back to our home and I remembered going to sleep. I remembered my doorbell ringing and a cop outside my door, hat in hand. I remembered them informing me that what was left of Roman's body was recovered. I remembered them telling me that the fire was due to a stove not being turned off. I remembered that a cheesecloth had fallen into the flame when no one was watching and that it had caught on fire, quickly spreading it. But what I remembered most is the pain.

The heart-wrenching pain. A pain so strong it burns. The pain of knowing I could have stopped him going in. The pain knowing that I was so close. Close to happiness at last. The pain of knowing I would never see his smile again. See his eyes again. Hear his laugh again. Kiss his lips again. Rest in his arms again. Just be with him again. Roman. I would give everything to see him again. I would give the whole world. He was my whole world.

Three days after the fire

I took leave from work. Thomas moved in with me for the time being. He helped to feed me, bringing food in every day. The trays came in three times a day. Atop them, was always a balanced meal. Oatmeal, pizza, oranges, sandwiches. Sometimes I would eat. Most times I didn't.

The trays mostly signified the time. I spent my days in bed, unable to move. My blinds remained closed and my watch was ignored. So the trays told me that the sun was coming up and that the world still spun.

One day, I was brought a cup of hot chocolate. I stared at the drink with pain. Roman had liked hot chocolate. He liked the way the marshmallows bobbed at the top. He had liked the way the cocoa powder settled at the bottom, providing a sweet surprise. He had liked it when I ordered it for him and we sat in the little cafe in the mall the day I spilled it on him. The day it all started.

Roman... Roman...

I closed my eyes against the pain and fell asleep.

A week after the fire

The funeral was today. I dressed in black slacks and a black button down. Adding to my black theme were the bags beneath my eyes. I was unable to sleep, my dreams haunted by blazing infernos and blood-curdling screams. Haunted by the sight of my love disappearing into smoke.

As I led the funeral procession, Thomas by my side, I gently rubbed my engagement ring. I refused to take it off, my last real connection to Roman.

We arrived at the church and the coffin was placed on the altar. It was a brilliant white with gold accents. Everything Roman would have wanted. I was sat down in the pews as the priest gave a small speech. Person after person gave a speech, talking about how amazing Roman was, and what a great person he was. But I could barely hear it as I stared at the wall, tuning out the world around me. I was only cast back into reality when I heard my name being called.

Joan stood at the podium and they gestured for me to come up. I shook my head, but Virgil ushered me up, standing with me. I didn't know him that well, but he seemed receptive to my pain, perhaps he had gone through something similar. I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. How was I supposed to speak about Roman? He was the love of my life, and I had just lost him. And they wanted me to talk about him?

I couldn't speak, but the tears fell faster. With a sob, I broke down, my shirt stained with tears. Virgil led me away from the room and into the bathroom.

"Hey, just breathe. In and out. You're okay, it's all okay," Virgil said soothingly.

"No, it's not," I hissed. "Nothing is okay! I lost him all because..." I paused. I wanted to say because of Virgil. But it wasn't his fault. Virgil got stuck on accident. "Because of the fire," I finished. Virgil looked at me as if he knew that was what I was going to say originally.

"Shall we go back out?" I nodded reluctantly and trailed after Virgil. I sat through the rest the speeches and finally it's time to put Roman in the ground. I followed the white casket out into the warm air. We traversed through the cemetery, the blooming flowers of spring are far too cheery for me. We stopped at a freshly dug hole and the casket was gently lowered in.

A final prayer was said before it was covered and the soil was packed down. Several bouquets were lain on top, in front of his gravestone. I only had a single, red rose which I went to place. I balanced it on the top of his stone. A few drops fell from the sky and it began to rain. The other guests moved inside but I couldn't move. I wouldn't move.

I stared at his gravestone. Examined the polished granite, the indents of the scripture.

Here lies Roman Sanders

Born April 24th, 1989

Died December 16th, 2017

Actor, Fiance, Son

It was simply not fair. Roman was only twenty-eight! And he didn't deserve it. The only thing he did wrong was go back in, and that was to save someone else. He just couldn't stop the hero in himself. He sacrificed himself for someone's safety. But he gave himself up. He knew it was dangerous! And he still did it. He just left me. With a cry, I launched myself at the grave, hugging the cold, wet stone.

"Roman why would you do that? To save someone else? You left me! You knew, you knew you couldn't make it!" I spat, voice filled with venom. "So why would you do that? Huh? WHY?!" Pounding at the stone, I demanded answers. I grasped for something, anything, and found the flowers. Grabbing the delicate bundles, I tore them apart, needing some sort of control. My world was spiraling into nothingness, my only constancy being my own actions.

"ROMAN! YOU IDIOT. COME BACK. Y-YOU PROMISED! YOU TOLD ME YOU WOULDN'T GET HURT. YOU-" my voice shredded. "You promised," I whispered, the words cracking. I screamed and cried at the stone. I didn't care who saw me.

Let them stare. I couldn't care less.

I felt the arms that pulled me away from Roman. I felt the tears that rolled down my face. I felt the hoarseness in my throat that came with every sob. But I couldn't feel anything in my heart. I searched for some pang of hurt but found nothing. I just felt... numb.