Afraid of Falling - Logince & Logicality

Chapter Sixteen

It's funny how something that seemed so insignificant can leave a gaping change when it's gone. Like a pebble that gives way to a flood of ocean and all it takes is for one person to kick it out of place.

The world without Patton seems darker, I decide as I slide into my car. I don't know where I want to go, but I know want to go. Somewhere, anywhere that isn't here.

As I drive along a familiar road that I can't quite place, my mind whirls.

What is the point of the bees buzzing and flowers dancing in the wind if there is no Patton to revel in their simple beauty?

What is the point of adorable babies that toddle around without Patton to coo over them?

What is the point of a cute dog if there is no Patton to smack your arm wildly to make sure you don't miss it?

I recognize where I am, where I'm going, but I don't stop. I keep driving.

What is the point?

What is the point of meeting Patton to only have him taken away?

What is the point of meeting Patton to only push him away?

I stop the car and walk through the wrought-iron gates, shuffling along the gravelly path. So many have walked this, it's odd how the ground of a cemetery is dry when surely it should be damp with tears.

What is the point of falling in love only to fall too far?

What is the point of falling in love only to get hurt?

What is the point of falling in love to be forced to fall out of it?

I'm here, the gravestone, barely worn by the weather, the words still clear. The only thing adorning it is a wilted red rose.

What is the point of falling in love if each time, your heart gets broken and smashed and then buried beneath a cold hard gravestone labeled with the haunting words of "Here lies Roman Sanders" and you can't do a thing?

What's the point?

What's the point?

What's the point, Logan?

WHAT'S THE POINT?!

My thoughts have built into a storm. What's. I can't see anything else. The. Why did I come back? POINT?

"I DON'T KNOW! OKAY? I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S THE POINT. I DON'T KNOW. I don't know... I don't know..." I mutter, collapsing against the cold gravestone, trying to imagine the granite as comforting arms that would hold me.

"Roman... why did you go?" I choke out. "Why did you leave me?" I ask. Several questions spill from my mouth, questions that will never be answered. "Why did that fire start? Why did you have to propose? Why did we go out to dinner? Why did-" I stop, tears are falling faster and I can barely focus. My head is pounding, the world is spinning, it's spinning too fast. It's just a blur of greens and browns and blues but no red, never anymore red.

"Why did I fall in love with you," I whisper, broken. "Because I did, you know. I loved you so much. You meant the world to me... no, more than the world. You meant an entire galaxy, an entire space full of stars that sparkled like your eyes at night." I gently spin a ring on my hand, silver with a blue and red sapphire set in the middle, the very same one Roman proposed with.

"I don't deserve you Roman, I never did. When you-" I wipe a stray tear away, and force myself to say it. "When you died, I promised myself not to fall in love. How could I? You were my everything, my forever. That's why I kept the ring, I think. Even if I scrapped everything else from you, I couldn't take off the ring, I couldn't let go of you. I still haven't," I admit. "Suppressing memories isn't the same as forgetting, is it?" I ask with a broken laugh.

"Roman, I'm a horrible person, do you know why? I broke my promise. I fell in love. His name is Patton, he's amazing and wonderful, you would like him, he likes Disney too," I say, reminding myself of late nights with Roman watching movies that tell a tale of a forlorn princess battling hardships.

"I... love him, Roman. And that is so utterly unfair to you. Why can't it just be you? Why can't I ever be satisfied with you?

"I'm so pathetic to ask this, but... would you be okay? If I... if I tried again?" I ask into silence. I wait and nothing happens.

"Gosh, this is stupid. But, if there is any way you can... I don't even know... send a sign? Please, Roman. I need confirmation... I can't do this without you," I say, feeling guilty by even trying.

I sit in silence and wait to see.

Nothing happens.

I get up and sigh, but just as I go to say goodbye, something in the bushes rustle. I turn to see a doe. She's brown with white spots along her back and her eyes shine with wonder.

I'm hit with a sense of déjà vu, and I'm taken back to a specific night.

A night where I, confused by feelings, lay in the grass outside my house. A doe had come up to me that night and I like to think that that doe had been there for a reason. Like if she wasn't, none of this would have happened.

"Are you my sign?" I ask, looking at it. Pleading eyes meet wonderous, and for a split second, a moment of understanding passes. And then the doe bows her head and prances off.

I nod to myself and make up my mind. I crawl over to Roman's gravestone and behind it, I dig a small hole. When I finish, I do something I never thought I would. Carefully, I remove my engagement ring and gently place it in the hole, patting dirt on top of it.

Standing up, I brush myself off.

"I love you, Roman. No amount of love for someone else could change that. I will love you eternally because love is eternal, regardless of whether you're still with me. I love you."

I walk away. Along the too dry gravel path and through the wrought iron gates. A breeze sweeps across the cemetery as I pass through. It feels like a hand slipping into mine, encouraging and reassuring. Closing my eyes, I give the phantom hand a gentle squeeze before I let go.

I've let go.