Afraid of Falling - Logince & Logicality

Chapter Nine

I trudged out of my bed, rubbing my eyes. I clomped tiredly down my stairs, greeted with a messy kitchen. Dust floated through the musty air past dirty dishes and blinds that hadn't been opened in days. With a sigh, I went to get something to eat, treading carefully through my living room. I opened the fridge, the pale yellow light being the only bright thing in the room. I blindly reached in, my hand flailing around, looking for some sort of food. When I didn't find any, I crouched down and looked in.

I was out of food. When I thought about it, I couldn't remember the last time I had actually gone and bought any. Thomas and Virgil had always made sure I got enough food but I hadn't spoken to them since the fight. I rubbed my eyes tiredly, and stood up, cracking my back in the process. I suppose I would have to face the world today.

Changing into navy blue sweatpants and a random tee shirt I left my house for the first time in several days. I ran a hand through my askew hair as I got into my car. I completed the mundane drive to the grocery store, the world seemingly too cheery for my current mood. I entered the store, the air conditioning providing relief from the Florida air.

I strolled down the aisles, tossing random things into my cart, not particularly caring over the healthiness of the food.

Ice cream? Check.

Cake? Check.

Ice cream cake? Why the hell not? I made my way to the cash register, the tires squeaking over the linoleum floor. As I waited in line, I mindlessly browsed the glossy magazines.

Whaddya know? Kylie Jenner had another baby. I was greeted by a peppy cashier. She rung me up and I handed her my card. She swiped it, looked at the screen, and swiped it again. She repeated this process again before handing back my card, frowning.

"Sorry sir, the card has been declined."

Declined? That can't be right.

"Surely not."

"Sir, I tried three times." I huffed. I knew why my card had been declined. I hadn't been to work in four months and rent was expensive. I didn't think that I had enough money to buy the food I needed. With a grunt of dissatisfaction, I left the grocery store, leaving my groceries and a very confused cashier with them. I quickly drove home, forming a plan in my head. I had to go back to work, it was the only solution.

Arriving home, I quickly dressed in a black polo, blue tie, and brown khakis. I looked at myself in the mirror. I deemed myself presentable and left for work. I drove my usual route, the directions ingrained in my brain from years of driving the same way over and over again. I walked into the school, the smell of Expo marker drifting through the air. I made my way through the locker-lined halls, revelling in the familiarity of the school I had worked at for years upon years. I finally arrived at the principal's office, knocking gingerly on the worn, wooden door. He answered and his face morphed from one of confusion to surprise to confusion again upon seeing me.

"Mr. Sanders! I thought you were on leave?"

"Yes, well, I thought it was best to come back to work sooner rather than later."

"Right. Well, the kids are in class. However, there is some paperwork and such on your desk."

"Thank you, sir." I nodded curtly and shook his hand. His eyes flashed with concern but he let me go. I walked to my office, past the broken water fountain and the dent in the wall where two kids had gotten into a fight. I entered my office, the neat and tidy desk welcoming me once again. I sat down and started working again. As it got to lunchtime, I reached for my phone but was confused when I saw a blank home screen.

Where is Roman's afternoon text? I thought to myself. And suddenly, it all came rushing back. The fire, the smoke, the screams. The funeral, the rain, the tears. I relived the death on repeat. All I could see, hear, and feel was the inferno that swallowed my fiancé. Someone burst into my office. It was the Principal. I couldn't hear much, but I felt him drag me away from my desk, and I found myself in a cab, following a road that led home. When I made it to my house, I collapsed onto the couch and heaved out the last of my sobs. And I fell into a fitful sleep.

By the next morning, I had formed a plan. I needed to work. It was the only solution to survive. But I can't have another episode like I did yesterday. No, it did not do to dwell on the past, on Roman. My only solution is to move on. And to do that, I needed to rid myself of Roman.

I started with simple stuff. Removed his clothes from our drawers, his belongings going into a box. And after that, I went through my things, trying to rid myself of anything that could trigger a memory. Red was Roman's favorite color, mostly because he looked so good in it. Because of this, I stayed away from anything red. Instead, I appealed to blue, finding it a calm opposite. When I had finished cleaning my house, my head felt a tad bit clearer. Removing Roman was the only way to start my life again. I spotted my phone on my table near the Crofter's jam that Thomas had brought me a few days ago. Hesitantly, I picked up the phone and typed out a message.

Logan: Hello Thomas. Would you like to watch a movie later today?

His reply was almost instantaneous.

Thomas: Hi Logan! That sounds fun! Do you wanna watch The Lion King? Or, oh, what about Into the Woods?

Seeing one of Roman's favorite Disney movies and musicals, though he could hardly pick a favorite, come up on screen brought a fresh wave of grief crashing upon my already drowned heart.

Logan: No, not any of those. Can we watch something else? Maybe not Disney, or a musical?

Thomas: What? You always loved Disney before?

Logan: They simply don't have any common sense and I find them aggravating. Please respect my decision.

Thomas: Alright... Why don't we watch a James Bond?

Logan: Thank you, that sounds fine.

I clicked off my phone with a sigh. If I told Thomas that the real reason I didn't want to watch Disney was because I wanted to remove Roman from my life, he would never agree with me. I couldn't tell him the truth because he would just try to stop me. But this is what is best for me. Removing Roman is the only way I can ever start my life again.