Afraid of Falling - Logince & Logicality

Chapter Fifteen

My choice?

Monday

I head to the library Monday afternoon and, as usual, I see Patton, already there, his glasses slightly askew, his hair messy, and his overall appearance distressed.

"Afternoon, Patton," I greet cordially, going to sit in my usual seat. He looks up, and instantly smiles the moment he sees me.

"Logan! Hey!" Suddenly noticing his appearance, he quickly fixes his glasses and hair. I shake my head fondly, he doesn't need to be so worried in front of me. In all honesty, though I hate myself for thinking it, he looked absolutely adorable with him being so invested in the book, he barely took time to address his appearance.

We sit and read, and when the sun set, we head out together and say goodbye.

Tuesday

Tuesday comes, and as per usual, I drive to the library. This time, however, when I park, something inside me tells me not to go. Not to get out, not to go read, and especially, not to see Patton.

And I drive home.

Wednesday

Wednesday comes, and I decide to go back to the library. When Patton asks me why I wasn't at the library the day before, I find myself lying before I could stop it. "I was busy grading some tests."

"Oh cool! Well, I hope you got everything done," Patton smiled. He was completely okay with me missing our daily meetups. He was too good for this world. Too good for me.

Thursday

Thursday I manage to convince myself to stay home, resigning to a world of Crofter's Jam and a book from home.

Friday

Friday I can't help myself but go back and return to Patton's caring smile. That smile that every time it's directed at me, all I feel is guilt.

* * *

Over the next weeks, I discreetly stop showing up.

Originally, I had planned to simply stop showing up abruptly. But something kept me coming back. Call it what you will - fate, destiny, a car. I didn't think I could be able to stay away from Patton.

However, the next week, I only show up twice.

The next, I come once.

The next, I manage to stay home for the whole week.

At first, Patton was worried. I could tell that he wanted to bring it up, but every time he opened his mouth to speak, he decided against it and closed his mouth again.

* * *

I sat in my chair one night at precisely seven o'clock. back straight, sitting prim and proper as usual. I nearly jump out of the seat when I suddenly hear the shrill ring of my ringtone. Looking at it, it reads "Patton".

Why is Patton calling me? Should I pick up? It wouldn't hurt would it?

With a sigh, I press "answer" and hear the bubbly voice of Patton through the phone.

"Logan! Hey what's up?"

"Evening, Patton. How are you?"

"I'm..." he pauses and I think I hear the rustle of pages flipping, "sat-is-fac-tory," he says, choppily.

"Satisfactory?" I question.

"Mhm!"

"But, you rarely use words so lengthy."

"Oh well I wanted to try doing something..." another pause, another page flip, "contemporary."

Oh, I see what's happening.

"Patton, you don't have to use large words to impress me."

"But I want to! Cause then you'll see me as more... knowledgeable?" he states, the last part more of a question than a statement.

Oh Patton... You don't have to change yourself for me, I'll love you anyways, I think, heart pounding at my own thoughts. But I can't say them. If I do, I can never take them back.

Why would you want to?

I shake my head as if that would expel the thoughts from it.

"-so all these dogs were so floofy!" Patton says, dragging out the "o". I blink in confusion, not realizing I tuned out the conversation, let alone realized we were having a conversation at all. Patton continues, talking enough for both of us, and never seeming to mind that I don't chime in that much. It's nice and calm. I can deal with this, I can control my feelings like this.

* * *

How wrong I am.

Patton consistently calls me at seven each night, just to tell me about his day and listen to mine and then tell me about new things he heard about.

I thought I was okay if we were just over the phone, I always thought it was his inviting chocolate eyes or his sparkling warm smile that caused butterflies to soar, figuratively of course, about in my stomach.

But it turns out, as my predictions for feelings often do, that I was wrong. Very much so.

It's not just Patton's looks that has me falling so hard for him. It's the fact that he giggles whenever he sees something cute. Or that when he pauses on the phone to remember something, I can almost picture him scrunching up his nose in concentration.

No, it's, to put it simply, everything about Patton that makes me fall in love with him.

And that's the worst part of all.

Because I simply can't fall in love with Patton.

* * *

The clock strikes seven and I only wait a few seconds before the inevitable ring fills the room. The light from my phone being the only light in my room. I have been sitting in my room staring at the wall only thinking one thing over and over: "P.S. P.S. P.S. P.S."

I stared and thought until the sun went down and then continued to stare and think, not moving to turn the lights on.

The phone continues ringing. All I can hear is "P.S. P.S. P.S." over and over again. Like a tick of a clock, counting down, endlessly steady and calm.

Tick. Ring.

Patton.

Tick. Ring.

Sanders.

Tick. Ring.

Patton.

Tick. Ring.

Sanders.

Tick. Ring.

Pick up.

Tick. Ring.

Pick Up.

Tick. Ring.

PICK. UP.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Too late.

My phone stops ringing, the call rung out, and my only light is extinguished.

Risk Patton's heart.