No Pain: Book 1

Chapter 28: Star

        I sit as Keller wets my hair with a towel, she's got her trusty hair cutting scissors and her comb but not her clippers. Keller is humming frère Jacques as she takes the comb and flips sections of my hair back and forth. She takes the first section and starts at it. The hair falls to the ground, I already feel lighter.

"So," Keller says as she works through the back of my head. "Najee, huh?" She's trying not to laugh or at least trying to stay neutral but it's so ridiculous.

"Don't get me wrong, he's a fine piece of eye candy and all but, are you sure?" She asks, "I don't think he can handle you, honestly." She clips more hair away.

"No, I-we..." how do I answer that. "John started it." I growl flustered "he had to go and tell Najee that we were soul mates and then we were alone and then... stuff happened." I want to dig my nails into myself. I want to draw blood and watch it trail down my arm and spill onto the floor just like theirs did my chest squeezes on the thought. I've gone so long without thinking about it, the act, the details. I think of the fact of what I did every day but never the details, they're too much.

The red is bad this time, there's so much of it and it's not going away. I shake my head and I rub my eyes but I see more red. The red is everywhere. "Go away." My fist plows into the wall and there's more red. "I can see." It takes me too long to realize it. "why can I see?" I look around there's blood on the walls, on my hands, I can feel it in my hair now, it's sticky.

"Mom!" I call as I make my way through the hall. Why is there so much blood? I can't help but think. There's a pit in my stomach, I know I've done something bad. I don't even look down at myself because I know there must be a hole in my stomach or my thigh. I lost it and I hurt myself again and they're all finished with me.

"I'm not seeing red anymore." I call as I walk down the steps. The third from the bottom step creaks and I peak around the corner.

"Dad?" The red hits me again. I can only see the red. It's blinding but I'm not angry. I shouldn't be seeing red.

"Star?" Keller shakes me back to the present, to the hair falling around me, to the bruises on my arms, the seared flesh from shocking myself.

"Yeah, I'm here." I take a breath and let myself back.

"What are you going to do about Najee?" Keller asks. combing my hair over to get the top layer out of the way.

"Nothing." I shrug it off "I still have to leave."

"Star..." Keller's hands keep moving but I know she's struggling for words.

"I know it's bad if you can't find words." I laugh to myself, or at myself, I don't know and I don't particularly care either.

"Star." Keller says with more force "this is for your own good." Keller's voice has a hitch in it but she doesn't acknowledge it and neither do I.

"I know it doesn't feel like it now and I understand if you hate us for leaving you before-"

"I don't hate you guys." I whirl around to face her "I just wanted a little more time." I sigh "I knew it was only a matter of time before I messed up bad enough to get booted."

"No." Keller snaps grabbing a clump of my hair. She yanks me up to her so close I can feel the heat from her breath. "We aren't doing this because you messed up, Star." Keller's eyes are sharp as she looks at me.

"We're doing it, because we did." I see the break in her armor, the guilt in her eyes. She lets me go.

"Now turn around so that I can finish." Keller's voice is tight, her eyes are glassing over as I turn around. She can't get another word out, not without letting me know she's crying but I feel a tear splatter against the back of my neck.