Im anti jaebum

juu-hachi

There's a time in everyone's life where they regret one thing. For some, it was not staying with their first love. For others, its not asking for that job interview. For jaebum... it was youngjae.

Youngjae was Jaebum's greatest regret, with no hope of fixing it now. All the fun teasing times they had in between the short periods of hatred and loathing for one another were gone. The small notes that jaebum would leave in youngjae's swim locker just to see the reaction of his face when he read the anonymous notes. The way the two would look at each other from across the pool. All of it, gone. Possibly never to return again due to how traumatic it was.

The funny part is that jaebum never hated youngjae. Since the time they were younger, jaebum has always liked youngjae. He felt comfortable around him. But it all got twisted around 6th grade. 

------------------------------------ flash back : middle school -----------------------------------------------------

"Appa, How do you feel if i liked guys?" Jaebum looked up and nervously bit his lip, knowing fully well how his dad will answer. Mr. Im turned and gave his son a soulless stare before grabbing him by the wrist and almost throwing him onto the bed, getting out a ruler. "How dare you ask me such a vile repulsive question. You have three seconds to tell me WHO put these atrocious thoughts in your head. If you don't you'll be punished." Jaebum trembled on the bed as he stared at his dad. The hatred in his eyes said it all but jaebum knew better than to tell who it was. He only prayed that his mom would come home sooner. "N-no one appa.." Mr. Im stepped closer to the 11 year old, his patience wearing thin. "TELL ME Im jaebum or so help me god-" Mr. Im threatened the boy again but to no avail. "Is it that youngjae boy? is he the one turning you into a faggot?" Jaebum's eyes widened as he heard his own father use the derogatory term. It's almost as if time had slowed down, knowing fully well that youngjae was a goner if jaebum revealed his little crush on him. He stood up and gave his dad an empty stare, knowing fully well what he was preparing to do. Jaebum clenched his fists and without wavering, stood up straight and spoke with authority. "NO. DAD. Choi youngjae has NOTHING to do with ME liking boys. You just failed as a parent and now your shit parenting has turned your son gay." Jaebum knew he was going to get buried six feet under. He also knew that being gay was something you're born with but the thing was, jaebum wasn't actually gay. He had no idea what he was actually. He was romantically attracted to both boys and girls but sexually, he just likes guys. He just tried not to think about it but that only led to him being even more confused than before. 

"What the FUCK did you just say to me?" 

Jaebum snapped out of his thoughts to see his dad standing up closer to him. "Pull your pants down and get on the bed. You need to be punished." Jaebum's stare stayed, cemented on his face as he looked at his dad. 

"No."

Mr. Im dropped the ruled and immediately picked up his kid, throwing him against the wall, creating a massive hole in it. Jaebum  struggled to breathe as he tried to get up only to have his father on top of him, swinging and hitting him as hard as he could and jaebum sat there, taking it, not fighting back, counting down from 1000. "HONEY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO OUR CHILD!!!?!?!?!" Mrs. Im screamed as she ran to jaebum's aid. Getting the father off of her son, Mrs. Im grabbed a knife and began screaming at her husband, then chasing him off into wherever he went for 4 months. She ran to jaebum and held him close, trembling and sobbing as she saw her son nearly passing out and bloody. In that moment jaebum looked up at his mom through blurry vision and flashed her a soft smile, not a single tear leaving his eyes despite the pain that encapsulated his body. "It's okay mom," Jaebum began. "You always told me to stand up for what i care about no matter who disagrees." Mrs. Im looked at him quizzically. "H-Honeybum what do you mean?" Jaebum coughed and swallowed a mouthful of blood before reaching up to wipe her tears away. "Dad was gonna hurt youngjae. So i sacrificed myself to save youngjae." Mrs. Im's eyes widened, a small smile forming on her face. "Y-You mean?" Jaebum nodded as much as he could. "Oh jaebum... Honey i love you so much. I'm so proud to have you as my son." That was the last thing before jaebum lost consciousness. 

---------------------------------------------- end of flashback ---------------------------------------------------------

Jaebum took a hit for youngjae every time his father came home. His father tried to go after youngjae only to go back to jaebum. Jaebum never talked about this with anyone and it was getting too much to bare, even for him. It started with hitting, and then using his suitcase, and then to empty soju bottles, and then to knives and various heavy yet deadly objects. Of course jaebum never told youngjae any of this. He didn't want the younger to think that jaebum was being abused and it was all his fault. No. It was never youngjae's fault. It was his own fault. For bullying youngjae because he had so much built up anger for his father. For making him cry because he himself couldn't shed a single tear unless it was 3 am and he knew he was the only one awake. For almost killing him because he imagined youngjae as his father....

It was his fault that his father had hurt him. It wasn't because of youngjae being the reason to hurt him, but because he knew that if he didn't provoke his father, jaebum's only reason to be strong would be dead in a ditch in another country. So he kept provoking and provoking and provoking until one day during junior year, his dad died from alcohol poisoning, ridding him and his mom of more trips to the hospital. 

The time is now 1:31 am and jaebum is staring up at the ceiling, the younger boy cuddled up against his chest as if it was a natural position. Jaebum let his mind take over as the seconds continued to tick by and suddenly he felt tears threaten to fall. He tried his best to subdue them but to no avail. The tears slowly fell down his face and neck as he remembered all of the bad things he's done to the poor boy all at once. All the horrid things his own father did to him all because he simply loved this boy so much. All the pain flooded him, causing him to let out a silent but choked sob, pulling youngjae closer to him. The psychological pain in his heart was too much to bear and since it was getting closer to 2 am, his mind became his biggest enemy, creating phantom pains and making jaebum feel all choked up around the neck, scars of where his father's nails used to dig into. It was all getting too much of jaebum so he just cried it out. "Fuck... Youngjae... i'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I don't deserve to know someone as amazing as you. I'm sorry for all the pain i caused you. I'm sorry i made you feel like shit. I'm sorry i got you hospitalized. I'm sorry i made you feel like being happy wasn't going to happen for you. I'm so so so so fucking sorry." Jaebum cried out silently. "I was so fucking stupid and i didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to cope with anything. I had to let out my aggression and i hate myself for letting it be you. God fuck i just i hate myself youngjae. I hate myself so fucking much because all i did was hurt one of the only people i cared about." Jaebum's tears were drowning him as he let them all out. "I just wanted to keep you safe. My dad was going to kill you if he ever had the time to. He would always have time to when he came home so i had to distract him from going to find you. I just let him beat me. I know it sounds so stupid an i sound so fucking pathetic and i should just stop talking but i just... i'm so fucking in love with you choi youngjae. I don't understand how i ever got a second chance with you when we found out we were in the same dorm for college. I'm so fucking lucky but i didn't take that chance and i ended up losing you to matthew.... I lost you. I lost you and now im never going to get that second chance again. All because i was a fucking idiot. Youngjae... god forbid if you're listening to this.... i don't blame you if you never forgive me for what i've done to you. I beat myself up about it everyday and i know i can't turn back time to change any of it.... but just know im so fucking sorry. That it should've been me in that hospital bed, not you. You deserved so much more happiness and light and love and just..... I'm sorry." Jaebum slowly stopped crying, his sobs quieting down to sniffles and a few tears. He closed his eyes to try and sleep before he felt hands reach up to wipe his tears away. Petrified he looked down to see that youngjae was not only awake, but he was crying too. Jaebum reached down and wiped away youngjae's tears before the younger flicked him lightly on the chin. "Don't be strong anymore. I may not know what happened to me but let me at least take care of you." Jaebum's eyes widened as he looked at youngjae in the rays of moonlight "but youngj-" Youngjae shook his head and placed a finger on jaebum's lips. "Jaebum hyung... Let me take care of you." Jaebum didn't argue and nodded silently. Giving him a soft, loving smile, youngjae pulled his hyung close, massaging his head until he saw that the elder was asleep. Youngjae gave a small sigh before slowly drifting off, jaebum nuzzling his chest.

"Sleep well hyung. I love you."