Autumn to summer in Penny Lane

April

That antiseptic smell lingered in the air as the low mumble of voices outside Caitlin's room woke her from her slumber. Caitlin opened her eyes with the sterile room and bed making her feel as though she was five thousand light years from home.

Cursing quietly to herself as Caitlin felt slightly disorientated she made her way to the toilet. After doing her business, Caitlin climbed wearily back into bed. Physical and mental emotions were swirling around her head as Caitlin went over the events of yesterday.

Something had been building up inside her. Caitlin at first just put it down to cramps but then the pain had become so intense that her body felt as though it was at war. Each wave didn't bring relief but then came the bleeding with Caitlin rooted to the spot in horror.

Everything was a bit of a blur after that as Caitlin fainted. She remembered the ambulance and feeling that she didn't want to die at John Lennon airport. Caitlin in a very long time prayed that the baby was okay. Just something that was more dramatic than it was.

She remembered crying out for Calam as that cold sweat engulfed that she may be having a miscarriage. Calam would know what to do. At one point she was yelling to ring Calam at St. Paul's Metropolitan hospital or to take her there.

Being wheeled in to St. Paul's, Caitlin was weakly calling for her Mum after demanding that Calam be told that she was there. All she wanted was to feel her Mum's hand and to tell her that everything would be okay.

It had been a while before Calam was told due to him being in theatre and performing a operation. That had been a surreal moment for Calam to be told Caitlin was in the hospital and to make his way to the gynaecology ward.

All of a sudden Calam was thrown into a role reversal where he was the panic stricken relative. Everything seemed strange and unfamiliar from his normal place of work. Nobody knew him up in the ward and worse still he was impotent. Dealing with miscarriages wasn't his expertise so he could hardly go wading in. Instead it was another Doctor and medical team that were responsible. Calam was just a concerned relative as he listened to the Doctor tell him what had happened.

Then there was seeing Caitlin looking so ill in the hospital bed and telling him that she was sorry.

'For what?'

''I've lost our baby.'

'Hey, don't be daft,' Calam smiled. 'There's nothing you could have done.'

'Maybe I shouldn't have gone on a run.'

'Nothing to do with it.'

Caitlin looked at Calam as if to say that he wasn't just saying that.

'Honestly. As a Doctor myself I know it wouldn't have had anything to do with it.'

'So what caused it?'

There was a pause. How could Calam explain that the first trimester miscarriages were sometimes caused by chromosome problems? It sounded so clinical, especially even at an early stage that Caitlin was thinking about a baby inside.

'It can be a number of things,' Calam stammered. 'At such an early stage of pregnancy these things can happen. Nobody can predict or prevent it.'

'Not really an answer, Cal. Just tell me. I need to know.'

Calam bit his lip in frustration. 'Sometimes it can be a chromosome problem that the foetus fails to develop properly but nobody really knows why this early. It's one of the risks of pregnancy.'

'Just a risk hey? You make it sound as though it's nothing. We had a baby inside me and I've lost...'

The lump in Caitlin's throat couldn't hold back the tears although she angrily pushed Calam away. He didn't know what it was like to feel like this and lose something precious. Yes it may have been a foetus but it was going to or so she thought into a healthy baby. Calam was just so clinical. Just biology and chemicals or whatever.

'I know it's not me that's lost the baby but I do feel bad about it too. It's just that, well I'm trying my best to reassure you that it's nothing that you've done or not done.'

Rubbing her face, Caitlin went over to hug a bemused Calam as she just wanted to be reassured. Sometimes words don't have to be said as they held each other closely that it felt comforting. Both knew that the other felt the loss and that they would get through it together.

'By the way your Mum and Dad are due to arrive this dinner time. I'm going to pick them up.'

A smile broke out on Caitlin's lips. It was good to feel the reassurance of home with her Mum and Dad there.

'Don't take any notice of my Da,' Caitlin said. 'He can be an eejit at times.'

'He's alright. I imagine I'll be the same when Coral gets older.'

'Maybe.'

A quick kiss and Calam was gone as Caitlin had a snooze before being woken for breakfast. Not that she was enthralled with the cornnflakes and toast. The coffee was pretty bland but it was still good to have something. Smiling she saw a few text messages from Collette and Vanessa.

For Calam it was a busy morning as a phone call from Caitlin meant that she was to be discharged later in the afternoon. After much debating, Calam went to pick up Caitlin first who told her Mum and Dad to wait in one of the coffee shops and that Calam would text when he got to the airport.

It was at times like this that Calam's head ached especially when his Mum rang to see how things were. Not that he minded and there was a warm glow inside him that reassured him that they were not on their own over this. Tina had been the same as she had suffered a couple of miscarriages amidst the problems of her husband Jamie's fertility problems. It was just that well it was always at the time when he was at his most busy in the sense of getting stuff for Caitlin, in the midst of texting Caitlin's Mum. Furthermore Calam knew that Caitlin just wanted to get the hell out of the hospital.

Walking up the ward, he could hear a loud cackle of laughter that would have sent a few shivers up a witches coven. Opening the door, Calam could see Vanessa turning her head around as she sat on the bed cross legged with Caitlin.

'Hola,'

'Hiya Vanessa. So all set to go?'

'Is the Pope a Catholic? I don't want to waste a second.'

'What did the Doctor have to say?'

'Oh, the usual. Take it easy and he gave me this leaflet with some numbers to contact.'

'What?' Caitlin asked as Calam gave a cynical smile. He knew it was all a bit of a front for Vanessa and that she would probably tell him more when they were alone.

'Your Mum and Dad should already have landed. Just waiting for a text.'

'They've already text me. I'll let them know when you're on your way to pick them up.'

Life is never fair. Some believe that God has a reason, others like Calam who is an atheist believe it is the way of the world and the way nature works. There are ups and there downs, sometimes it can be steady other times it can be a stormy sea that never seems to end.

Everybody though needs somebody for when you fall hard. Despite the brave face, Caitlin still felt raw at losing a baby even at an early stage. She had already been looking forward to bringing up a child that her love with Calam would have produced.

Nothing is ever easy and everybody reacts in different ways. That's why you can't tell someone to dust themselves down and get on with it. Time and help is all that you can do which is why Caitlin was so happy to see her Mum and Dad. It was why she went home to Belfast for a week to feel that comfort that only home can bring.

In some respects Caitlin and Calam's love became more stronger as they gave each other the love and support that they needed. Despite the ups and the downs such as April brought they stuck together no matter what.