Cheater (Complete)

Chapter Forty: Moving on a Bad Leg

Memory (I haven't written one in a while and there's too much that I need to put in the past for you to understand some things that are coming in later)

Rosie's POV

I had never really thought about children before this. I never thought I'd want children, based off of how horrible my own upbringing had been.

And then the lurking fear that I might turn into my mother. It was a fear that some abused children have. Because we didn't have anyone else to take example from, no matter how many examples we have when we're grown up, we still have a fear of being horrible like our parents were to us. Is it contagious? That thing in them that's broken to be able to harm a child? To just not care? To have such apathy?

Is it in our genes?

But when I learned that I would have a near impossible chance of having children (and if I ever did conceive, it would be dangerous to both me and the child. Survival would be unlikely for us both), I felt such a heavy sense of loss. It didn't matter if I wanted children. To suddenly learn that Ricky had nearly broken my ability to have them had devastated me.

I would probably never have children.

Dean held my hand when the doctor told me and he nearly crushed my hand when we got the news. It affected him more than it did me, I think, because he had always known that he wanted a huge family. He wanted a wife with a womanly figure that was made solely to bear children. Lots of them. But he was willing to sacrifice that for my tiny frame that already looked like it would be lucky to bear one child. After all, what he really wanted were the kids. As long as I gave him that, what did my body's appearance have to matter?

Now we were learning that I'd likely never have any.

It practically ended our relationship before it properly begun.

I expected him to let my hand go. I expected instant distance between us.

But that didn't happen. Instead, he held my hand tightly, his face stark white, his eyes teary with broken dreams. He held tight and didn't let go. After the doctor let himself out, Dean got up on my bed and held me while I cried.

I felt like I didn't deserve those tears. If anyone deserved to cry about my sudden barrenness, it was him. Staying with me meant that he would have to give up his dream of a huge family.

He had to make one more sacrifice for our relationship.

It wasn't fair to him. He deserved everything he wanted out of life. From what I gather, his wants were simple. He wanted to make a fair living off of being a mechanic, wanted a wife who could have a huge family, and that huge family was near essential.

He wouldn't get any of that with me.

We should break up. He didn't have to let go of his dream. Not for me.

After all, I was damaged goods. What good was I?

“I'm sorry” I whispered into his chest. His arms tightened up around me and I felt his anger in the air. Anger at Ricky, anger at the circumstances; anger at me.

Irrational but there.

Because he needed me as badly as I needed him. He wouldn't leave.

Not fair. Not fair to him.

I just cried harder.

 *****

We were released shortly after that. I think we were both repulsed by the hospital now. Besides, we needed to get our heads back in school. We had such precious little time to make sure we could graduate.