Part 30.

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"I feel like shit" Miller muttered to himself as he looked into the bathroom mirror.

Its been two days since then and Carl has locked himself in his room along with Miller. He was reluctant at first but Miller forced himself in. He needed someone with him. For the last two days neither said nothing to each other.

Every seconds that goes by didn't pass without Miller thinking about what he did. He broke Carl, he used Cameron and made his best friend mad at him. Mostly he broke Carl. Every passing day that sat at his bedside looking at how tormented he was.

Miller wasn't going to put the blame on anyone but himself. He pushed Carl so far without knowing what he was using to push him over. When he heard it was his deceased mother. A flood of guilt washed over Miller. That somehow connected the two giving a hint to the reason why Carl despised Cameron. Miller might've just touched a rough patch. 

After washing his face he exited the bathroom. Carl was still in bed, upset and not ready to face the world-- to face Miller or Cameron. He was broken like a mirror, his shattered pieces lying on the floor. Pricking Miller every time he tried to pick up the pieces.

He took his usual seat at his bedside. Guilty wouldn't begin to describe how Miller felt. He imagined himself in Carl's shoe, how would he feel if someone used his mother against him.

A broken hearted Miller couldn't compare. No matter how many times he said to himself he that it wasn't intentional, the damage was already done. It was done the moment Miller found Cameron. The moment he invited him over and the moment he let him inside.

"Carl" Miller said as he rested his head on the bed. "You must be so damn mad--sad" that was a stupid thing to say. Undeniably he was going to feel angry and sad. "But you know I'm so damn sorry" it wasn't the best apologizes in the history of apologies.

"I didn't know about your mother. I didn't know anything yet I still bought Cameron here" Miller gripped the bed sheets hard. "I just wanted to piss you off" He admitted.

Silence washed the room. Miller wasn't hoping for reply he knew Carl was asleep. He'll have to apologize for real when he decided to open his eyes.

"She killed herself" Miller heard Carl said. He bolted from the bed and looked at him, his hand thrown over his eyes. "Right in front of me. I was so useless" Miller could hear the sadness in his voice.

Carl bit back the tears. He promised himself he wouldn't cry. The memories that flooded his mind, the gruesome scene of his mother falling into the pool of her own blood. All of it had him feeling like life was meaningless. He didn't know why he was telling Miller. As he stayed with him for the past few days, silently watching him as he battled with past memories that haunted him. 

Carl just wanted to be alone like he always does. Each year he would try drink away the nightmares. Screaming and his demons and crying at his own pitifulness and loneliness. Mostly crying for his mother who had an unfairly end. This year he thought it would be different, going back to the office regularly, even proposing to Paris. All to distract himself.

The biggest distraction was Miller. The constant arguments made him forget. The sense of comfort he got these past few days making him want to keep Miller close. He thought these past few days were going great. He was enjoying himself. Not having to be the perfect image he had to show everyone. The good, the bad he showed Miller all of it.

When he heard a simple I'll bear with you a while longer. He knew that Miller was different. Carl knew Miller might just be able to understand him. Whether it was because of guilt that he stayed with Carl for these two days. Carl found it in himself to pour out his feelings. The ones he's kept inside for years.

"Do you think I'm crazy" Carl asked. "Violent?" His actions tell otherwise but his reason played a huge role. He stayed away from people during these times. His emotions would get out of hand. He's heard them call him crazy before. He didn't care but for some odd reason he cared what Miller thought of him. This was the man who stuck with him through his good and bad moments.

"You aren't crazy" Miller replied. "You have your reasons, you can be rude though. As for violent, you throw things about due to anger. You never aim to hurt anyone just letting your anger out"

Carl felt a sense of relief. Miller understood. For once he valued someone's opinion of him. "Also you're not useless" he heard Miller said.

"I couldn't do anything to save her" A tear fell from the corner of Carl's eye. "I knew what she was going through yet I left her alone" Carl needed to know, he needed to know that he could've avoided his mothers death. That she could be with him right now. "That day as I walked through the door, the echoing sound of a gunshot resonated through the house. I knew she did it. Miller I--"

The memories of his mother holding a gun to her temple. Her body falling to ground before him. He was too late. He saw himself holding her lifeless body in his hands begging her to wake up. The scene kept repeating over and over, so much that it almost felt like it was happening to him all over again.

"I'm not going to say that you could've prevented her death. If you were a minute earlier or if you didn't leave that day. It was her choice, it was out of your hands Carl. You don't have to blame yourself, your mother wouldn't want that" Miller had no clue what he was but he spoke anyways. "If she saw you now she would surely be proud. And most of all she would want you to be happy" Miller knew because that's all his mother wanted for him. Mothers think alike right?

Carl's damp broke. The tears streaming down his cheeks. His muffled sobs in his arm could be heard. Miller got up from his seat and sat next to Carl on the bed. Prying his arms from his face, revealing a crying Carl. Miller cupped his cheeks.

"Whenever you feel cornered or feel that you can't take the pressure anymore" Miller said, tears flowing down his cheeks and falling onto Carl. "Just look at me"

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