What happened to Amanda? A Law & Order SVU Fanfic

Letter from a John

Hope you enjoyed the last chapter, I know it's a bit slow to get going but it should start to pick up as it goes along :) Also, I'm British so if I use a British spelling or word, that's why haha

The letter read:

'My dearest Amanda,
I know you've probably been thinking about me lately - due to some unforeseen circumstances I haven't been able to write daily like I have been. I wanted to see if you had changed your mind about us being together. I know I ask this every time, and with every day with no reply I realise you still say no, but I think it is only a matter of time before you realise that we are meant to be together. Forever. We are perfect for each other. I have watched you for so long now that I feel it is soon time for us to meet. Don't worry, it won't be at work, it will be a surprise. Just you and me, and we can really get to know each other. I chose pink paper as I saw you yesterday from your window in pink underwear, and thought you would admire the fact that I appreciated such a small detail. I know not every man does that for a woman, but I will be the only man you ever need. Oh and remember, this is our little secret! I can be quite unpredictable when someone disobeys me.
I will see you soon buttercup, love your dearest, John.'

Amanda felt her heart sink to her feet and she tried to steady herself as she felt a wave of nausea hit her like a ton of bricks. It seemed to make no difference though as she quickly stood, lifted the seat and began emptying the contents of her stomach into the toilet. Her breathing became irregular as her lungs cried for oxygen between the wretching, she finally stopped being sick and got up from her knees. She leaned against the cubicle wall before doubling over and putting her face to her knees as she suddenly felt light-headed.

"Shit..." She managed to let the word escape from her mouth, her breathing was now picking up and heart was racing, she began to panic. "No no no" she repeated as she shook her head, she knew exactly what a panic attack was - God knows she'd helped dozens of victims through them. It just seems that now it was happening to her, everything she knew about controlling them had been erased from her mind.

It was then that Amanda heard a knock on the cubicle door.

"Amanda? You alright in there?"

Amanda squeezed her eyes shut, she didn't want to speak to anyone about this right now, especially not to the person who's voice she recognised within an instant. She tried to slow her breathing, but to no success.

"Uh... Um... Yes... Lieu-lieutenant... I'm fine" she managed to put a word or two between each breath.

"Are you sure? You don't sound it." Liv had seen Amanda quietly go to the bathroom, and after 10 minutes she began to get worried about her younger detective. As soon as she opened the bathroom door she could hear Amanda's laboured breathing from inside one of the stalls. She had tried to stand quietly until Amanda had calmed herself and come out of the stall (she knew that Amanda would hate her interfering), but she just seemed to get worse.

"Yeah Liv!" She exclaimed, instantly regretting standing up straight as if to confront her as she did so, "I'm... Fi-".

Liv heard Amanda trail off and then a small thud from the other side of the door. She began using the palm of her hand to bang on the door.

"Rollins? Rollins?! Amanda can you open the door? Hello?" Liv was worried now, she could clearly hear Amanda was having a panic attack, but then there was silence. "Shit... Uh... Amanda? I'm coming in". She found some loose change in her pocket, and used one of the coins to move the lock so that she could enter the stall.

As she entered the small space, she was immediately met with the limp body of her detective. She quickly knelt down beside her and lifted her head so it was resting on her legs. She spoke to the blonde as she slowly stroked her hair in an attempt to soothe her. Liv could still see Amanda's chest rising and falling at an unsteady pace, and her forehead was beaded with sweat.

"Oh Amanda. It's okay honey, you're okay." She repeated these last two words for just under a minute, until Amanda slowly came back around into consciousness, her breathing seemed to be relatively normal now. Amanda opened her eyes slowly, the unbearably bright light above her made it hard for her to see, and it took a moment before she could focus on her surroundings.

She looked up to meet Lieutenant Benson's eyes, which remained fixated on hers, and she suddenly remembered where she was. She quickly sat up and pivoted round so she was facing Liv from the other side of the cubicle, her back to the wall.

"Liv... Uh... Um..." She didn't know what to say, she definitely wasn't going to tell Liv about the letters she'd been receiving for the past month. That now the mystery man had decided it was time for them to meet. We can really get to know each other. She suddenly felt more sickness, and had to rush to the toilet before heaving again, she had nothing left to throw up. She coughed uncontrollably as she tried to keep her blonde tresses out of her face, letting a few tears escape in the process. Liv looked on concerned.

"Amanda it's okay, what's going on?"

"Nothing." She said looking up from the toilet as she finally stopped coughing, making direct eye contact with her Lieutenant. "I'm fine."

"Well you definitely don't look fine." She returned the stern tone that Amanda was using. "Amanda, you can talk to me, I-",

Amanda cut her off, "No Liv. I'm fine" she said, slowly getting up from her place on the ground and moving towards the mirror opposite the cubicle. She was glad she had put the letter back in her pocket before she'd passed out or she might be having a whole other conversation right now. Liv walked over to the mirror and stood behind Amanda.

Amanda grabbed some tissues and began wiping away the sweat, make up and tears that had decorated her face. Shit. She thought to herself. How was she going to explain this one? She came out with the first thing that came to her mind.

"There's a bug going round the precinct at the moment, I must've caught it off Nick or something." She was right, Nick Amaro had come into work a couple of days ago looking like a dead man walking. Within an hour Liv had sent him home and he'd been off since.

Liv knew there was indeed a bug going round the office, but after seeing Nick the other day, she knew Amanda didn't have the same problem. She thought about pursuing the matter but decided that Amanda would be willing to tell her the problem when she was ready. Fin had been right.

"Well that's okay, if you're sure that's all it is?", Amanda didn't look away from her own reflection, "if that's all it is Amanda take the rest of the day off." Liv could see that she wasn't fit for work so used this opportunity to allow the blonde to go home and relax. She definitely looked like she needed it.

"Okay. Thanks." She said without arguing, she had cleaned her face and sorted out her disheveled hair and she swiftly made her way towards the bathroom door. She quickly made her way to her desk, picked up her coat and tossed her bag over her shoulder.

Fin looked up at her, "Where you off to?" He questioned.

"I.. Uh... I've got a thing." Realising how stupid she sounded, she picked up her keys from the desk and made her way to the elevator without another word. Once inside she let out a small sigh of relief, completely forgetting about the letter in her jeans.

Too slow? Let me know, idk what I'm doing honestly - I've only got a slight idea of where I'm going with this, any ideas would be great. :) LemonadeJo