What happened to Amanda? A Law & Order SVU Fanfic

Denial and Blame

Warning: descriptions of physical and sexual violence.

"Amanda?... Amanda, hey listen," Liv was initially shocked that Amanda blamed herself for what happened, before remembering how she beats herself up about practically anything, "it's not your fault."

Amanda was still looking down at her hands, desperately avoiding Liv's gaze. "How?" She exhaled through her steady stream of tears. "How is it not my fault? I-I-I'm the one who didn't tell anyone about the letters, about the threats. I'm the one who let that guy take my gun and phone. I'm the one that put myself in that situation... I'm the one who answered back. If I hadn't... He might not have raped me. God Liv, I'm the one that suggested going to the coffee shop. I put all those people in danger when they didn't ask for any of this. It's on me..." Amanda trailed off as she brought her hands to her chin to stop her lip from trembling.

Liv didn't know what to say. She knew what she wanted to say, that she wanted to argue right back with all the reasons why she felt it was her own fault, but she knew that wouldn't help the situation.

"Amanda... Do you remember that case last year with the woman in the navy?"

"Uh... Yeah I think so... The gang rape by her fellow officers?" Amanda was slightly confused with where Liv was taking the conversation.

"Yeah that's the one. You remember how she blamed herself? Said that she was the one who got drunk, was in the bar at the wrong time, wore the wrong clothes?"

"Yeah?"

Liv wanted Amanda to come to the realisation herself, "What did you tell her?"

"Well, uh... I said to her that she couldn't control other people's actions... That the guys that did it were planning to for a long while... That her dressing the way she did, or doing the things she did had no affect on them. They were going to do it either way... And-and it wasn't her fault." Amanda began to realise her words, Liv was trying to make her think it wasn't her actions that put her in this position.

"Maybe you should take your own advice?" Liv tried to suggest lightly.

Just as Amanda was about to reply, Jen came wheeling a trolley into the room, smiling contently. "Hello Miss Rollins, I've got some more pain meds here for you."

"It's detective." Amanda said quickly, she didn't want to be another 'miss'. Being a detective made her feel more in control.

"Oh... I'm sorry detective. Do you need some more painkillers?" Jen replied, slightly surprised at Amanda's care to detail.

"It's no problem," Amanda replied shakily, not wanting to upset another person's feelings, silently afraid of what they might do. "But yeah I would like some more painkillers please."

"That's fine, give me a second..." Jen trailed off as she selected the syringe she was looking for, inserting the liquid inside into the IV line in her arm.

After she finished, she saw how attentively Amanda was watching her every action. "Is everything ok detective?" She asked, slightly nervous for the reply.

"Yeah... Uh... Do you know when I can get out of here?" She asked quietly, not wanting to object to other's opinions.

Jen looked to Liv, who returned a concerned expression. "Um, well... Not for another day or two... You've suffered multiple rib fractures, a punctured lung, a concussion, burns of varying degrees and some internal trauma... We can't let you leave yet. I'm sorry." Jen's initial smile was now no where to be seen.

"No-no that's fine... I, uh... I'll stay here as long as you need." Amanda winced slightly at the nurses words... Internal trauma... She had no idea how bad John and his guys had hurt her until now. She desperately wanted to be at home, by herself, crying into her pillows, but she also didn't want to upset anyone else - not if they had a hidden temper like John did, so she didn't object.

Her sudden thoughts of home made her eyes widen, she quickly turned to Liv. "Has anyone been to the flat to check on Frannie? Is she ok? I didn't get chance to feed her that night and-"

She was cut off by Liv, "Amanda, Frannie's fine. I went over this morning and this afternoon and fed her, Fin said he would go over to yours and take her back to his until you're home. Okay?"

"Okay..." She looked to the ceiling again and breathed a sigh of relief, "thanks Liv."

"I'll leave you two to it." Jen said quietly, sensing she had overstayed her already questionable welcome, taking the trolley and heading towards the door.

Amanda's eyes darted back to Liv as soon as the door closed behind Jen, the tremble completely gone from her lip now. "I'm not a victim, Liv." She stated.

"Amanda-"

"No Liv. I don't want to be the person that needs help from everyone else. I don't want to have a rape kit done. I just want to pretend none of this ever happened and go back to how things were before." She wasn't able to hold her emotions in for much longer than a sentence, her eyes reverting back to that familiar position on her lap, tears welling in her eyes.

Liv reached out her hand and stroked Amanda's, willing her to let her in. "Amanda, there's no problem with asking for help. Everyone needs someone at some point - especially anyone who's been through what you have. And with regard to the rape kit... You don't need it done, you know that, but it would help massively if you did - the guys that are going to court could be convicted much quicker with evidence like that."

Amanda began to consider, but was still sceptical. "But they didn't rape me. John did."

Liv could see in Amanda's eyes that she was holding back. There was no question about it, she knew John had raped her, but Amanda still seemed terrified of the guys who were going to court. "What did they do?" Liv asked.

Not wanting to anger yet another person, Amanda answered, "Well the uh... The first time he raped me... I was... I was blocking it out, he could see it. He knew I was just going to another place in my mind... you know? He stopped, and uh... got three of the guys to come in, and made them take turns holding me down and touching me in different places."

Liv stayed silent, she simply gave an expression as if to allow Amanda to continue.

"They uh... They first used their hands... Then their-their mouths... Then they held my head still and uh... One of them put it in my mouth... Then John made a whistle, like-like he was getting jealous, and they left, and he-he carried on raping me." She was now heavily crying once again, gripping onto Olivia's hand.

"Have you had a shower since then?" Liv asked, trying to change the focus of the conversation slightly.

"No." Amanda replied, she knew that she'd have to preserve evidence. "But he raped me again afterwards... And he burned me with cigarette butts..." She looked at her scarred arms as she said so.

"If you do a rape kit, there's a higher chance you won't have to testify, you know that." Liv took one last go at winning her round.

Amanda was silent for a moment. She'd never done a rape kit. Sure, she'd gone through every other part of the ordeal with Patton before, but never a rape kit.

"Will you uh... Will you stay with me?" She asked Liv, almost pleading with the Lieutenant with her eyes.

"Of course I will honey."

Amanda sighed, "Okay... Well... Let's get this over with..."

Sorry for the gap between parts, been sooooo busy recently. Give a rate and comment, maybe a cheeky follow?? Thanks:) LemonadeJo