Crazy Affair

What do you want?👍

I couldn't think of the last time I felt the tender touch of my father, it felt like years when in reality it was only a few months ago. I didn't remember my mother's face, her voice, her touch, I only remembered the dreaded feeling of my aunt going down on her knees in a fit of sobs when the police came to tell me my mother was no longer alive. 

I no longer had a grasp of time, the time my mother died was the first time my dad touched me. The first time I held a gun, the first time I learnt to sing, the last time I held my mom; these things no longer had a time period for when they happened, they were mixed up in one big memory where my mind had my mom and dad at the same time in one place. 

I was too young to understand what had happened, I only remembered crying because my aunt cried and even then it was fake tears; no clue what was happening but I cried to keep her happy. That was what I was feeling as Matthew held me in the cold water, his fingertips cold against my fever hot skin. He tried to comfort my numb state, bring me back to reality but I only cried more, senseless, heavy tears that made me look ugly but at that moment I didn't care. 

I cried for my father, my mother, Florde, my lack of freedom, my brothers, my niece and nephew. There was a pulling feeling that I had never felt before in my chest like my world had finally shattered and my mind went with it. At that moment I understood why people went mad and why others just leave. I screamed, trying to ease some of the pain I was feeling, but it didn't go long before my voice started squeaking and my willpower leaked.

My life wasn't supposed to be like this, I wasn't supposed to be in a bathtub crying to my killer, at my lowest. I was supposed to be with Lance taking care of our child and thinking about having more or back in Italy with my mom while we painted the Capri. I shouldn't have met Tony, Vee, Florde...Ryan. I wish on every star that I could unmeet them all and go back to my carefree life, I wish Alfonso was dead.

"Sonya, Catch your self." I heard Matthew say. 

I heard him but I didn't listen, my cries got louder as my pain got raw and stung. I heard myself mutter something along the lines "I'm done," and I was done, my next step was to jump off a bridge or cut my wrist and I was sure to get it over with.

"Sonny," Matthew's voice was soft - too soft to ignore. 

I was shutting down as tears stopped coming and I dry sobbed, an ugly sound for a girl to make. I wasn't finished crying but my body was. My eyes dropped as I pulled in and out of consciousness trying to stay awake and alert; my body wasn't having it. Matthew was calling my name, no emotion just called my name in a very monotoned way. 

I must have blacked out because next thing I knew I was being carried by someone to somewhere but I fell asleep only two minutes into the walk. 

Suddenly I'm standing and Ryan is walking in front of me with a glare. He watched me with hate too strong to understand, too real, I felt the disgust and heard the curse words as he thought them. 

"Fucking whore,"

"Killed my brother,"

"Should have died,"

"Should die,"

Ryan faded into nothing nothingness as an image of Florde's decaying corpse jumped into my mind and scaring me. Not because he was dead or because his flesh was falling off his body but because I couldn't look at it and not think that it was my fault, I was afraid that I killed an innocent friend.

I jolted up and Florde was gone. I couldn't help the sob that came after that realisation that a dream had that much power over me. I lay back down on the ground of a very office looking room with my head spinning of thoughts of murder and death. On the ground only a few feet away from me was a blade with my name etched into it. Not an inch of me hesitated as I got up from the ground and limped my way to the blade.