Serendipity is for Suckers | h.s. *EDITING*

50 // ❀350 days before❀

*2 weeks later*

Dear Diary,

Okay, no, that sounds so stupid. To my future self, who is probably reading this to reminisce on the past of her glory days, hello. This is my first diary entry... like ever. I always thought these were stupid because it basically gives people full access to my thoughts. But then I discovered fancy shoe boxes with locks on them. I'm only starting this now because it's Lani's birthday today and this is the journal she gave me as a going away gift last summer. She gave it to me to document my adventures since she wouldn't be able to be right by my side during them.

Anyways, Lani, if you're around here as a ghost or some shit snooping through my stuff and come across this journal, I already know you're going to be reading this. So let me just make this a little letter to you.

Lani,

Happy Birthday!! I miss you and I miss how our parents would combine our birthday parties in the middle to May to save money and because our birthdays were so close together anyways.

I have great news! I finally applied to a college in New York and I have a few ideas about what I'd like to pursue...

My hand is cramping and my handwriting already looks so awful so I'll talk to you again when I have something more juicy to spill ;)

♩♫♪♬

*5 days later*

Lani, I'm writing this to avoid talking to Harry right now. I think he's staring at me and I'm too scared to look up.

Yep, he's staring.

We had a really big fight this morning and I left and have been giving him the silent treatment since then.

During breakfast, Ruth congratulated Harry on the "#HarRia" hashtag trending more in the media right now than any other couple in Hollywood because of the awards show and all of the public dates we've been going on recently. She joked around and said something like "Looks like you'll be getting that tour now!"

Like what does that even mean?!

Well it turns out that they promised Harry another leg of the tour if he keeps his appearance in the media high.

He's only been fucking using me this entire time, Lani! How could he? I really thought that what we had was real... It's true that you probably shouldn't trust everyone you meet in the business.

I really don't know what to feel... when I left after breakfast I just broke down in the bathroom.

Harry obviously came swooping in denying everything that's happened.

We yelled back and forth for a good five minutes and I don't even remember what he was trying to argue about. It's probably some bullshit excuse anyways.

It hurts being with someone only to find out they're not who they say they are and that it's all just a facade.

But you know what's the most fucked up thing about that?

I'm used to it.

I've already been through it before but it doesn't make it hurt any less that I'm so in fucking love with Harry. More than I've ever been with Justin.

I seriously thought it was all real. And I honestly would've given Harry more time to explain himself if he tried, but he didn't. He just complained about how I'm stubborn and how I don't listen rather than explaining the problem in the first place.

And I would've forgiven him but he didn't even try to fight.

I don't know what's going on with him. Just a few days ago we were acting all head over heels for each other and now we can't stand each other because of our flaws in disagreement. We're both too stubborn to fight.

Maybe this was his plan all along.

He wanted us to fight so that he could avoid me and we'd eventually break up.

It was too good to be true anyways.

Just another disappointment flying by in my life.

♩♫♪♬

*5 days later*

Lani, it's been almost five days since Harry and I last talked and I don't know what that means for us. Is this really over? This stupid little argument is what's the cause of our splitting up?

Whether or not we stay together or split, I do feel a little guilty for not even listening to what Harry had to say or trying to reconcile with him first.

At first, Harry said that he always thought we were gonna end up together anyways and that he didn't make that deal with Graham and Ruth just for the attention.

And now the fact that Harry won't even talk to me anymore, I feel like the tables have turned.

I still don't appreciate Harry's untruthfulness and I would've forgiven him by now if he at least tried to talk to me.

It's three in the morning right now and I'm sitting on the top of our hotel's roof here in Switzerland.

It would've been lovely to go visit the Swiss Alps with Harry or something. Instead, I visited it with the whole crew and even though Harry was there it didn't feel the same.

This is also the first time Harry and I didn't sleep in the same bed for a while. The past five days we would just sleep on the bed facing away from each other. But when I got to the room after a meeting with Graham, I found Harry passed out on the couch.

I couldn't sleep and even though he wasn't acknowledging my existence anymore, I still found comfort in him being in the same bed as me.

I really miss him and a small part of me finds myself disgusting for turning into some codependent hopeless romantic who starts to feel unnecessary emotions because she's oh so hurt.

Is this it for me? I mean, I was right about my beliefs the whole time.

Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to being with Harry in the first place, no matter how charming he was. I should've gone with my gut because now I feel a stinging in my chest.

♩♫♪♬

*10 days later*

Lani, it's your one month death anniversary today and I'm missing you extra today. Especially in this time of my life where I just really need you.

It's very exhausting having to hold in all of my emotions and not have anybody in person to talk to.

I don't want to burden Lou and Amelia with my problems in which they'd probably side with Harry since they've known him the longest.

It seems like the only time my chest doesn't hurt from the pain, is when I'm asleep.

The worst part is that Harry and I aren't even fighting anymore. We're not fighting but we're still not talking to each other.

We don't completely ignore each other either and only talk to each other when we need to.

At this point, none of our problems are being solved and I just really want to find out if we're still together or not.

I'm too much of a coward to start the conversation.

A/N: was i too lazy to write this all in actual chapters? yes, yes i was.

plus, this is already the 50th chapter (WOOHOOO) and i felt like everything was dragging but really it's all just a setup

i also enjoyed just writing these cute moments and putting them together sooo yea there's an ending i swear lmfao