stardust | ✔

'STARDUST'

if i could leave in peace i would, but there's still too much that needs to be said. i always wondered when this honesty would end,  i only now did realize that there never was any real hard opinions that haven't been twisted by the insecurities and fears of losing  those around me. i've never been completely honest before, because i don't know how without causing any pain. in front of my teeth there's a filter and around my mouth a nuzzle, there's a invisible chain locked across my neck. it's burning against the front and my nape, slowly scorch marks reveal underneath the thick coat of denial. my hands and feet have been tied with fishing rod. and it burns into my wrists, my ankles, they have red straining marks that drip scarlet. 

if i could leave with a smile i would, but i can't bring any kind of emotion resembling happiness up from the corners of my mouth to my eyes where light is supposed to shine. it's hard dealing with any kind of emotion, not just because i'd rather not but also because i don't know how. i'd rather not because i don't know how, i'd rather suffer then lose in a game that i don't understand. so here i stand. unsure of what or who i am. and i can't make up my mind; should i stay or should i go? should i leave it all behind or should i wander in my own soul and watch myself crumble apart farther and farther into own my misery and pain. you don't want the answer that'll give you, but you don't want to help me find a solution either. you want me to fix myself, but how i can fix something that never was broken. i can no longer tell scars and birthmarks apart; it's because there never was a difference between the two of them. 

if i could breath without feeling guilty i would, but i can't breath knowing that i am the failure that i am. isn't it sad how i can no longer smell or see the beauty that my eyes once did perceive. i wish i could take my soul back, i wish i could leave it all in my new past and skip through all of this right into a time where i do know how to appreciate life. i wish and wish and wish and wish and wish that my wishes would actually have some kind of effect or weight in what i will later become. if i will later even become something or someone else. maybe i am me, maybe i am not, how am i supposed to know whether what i put up in front of that group is as honest as the face i put up for the others, is the face i use for myself harsher or kinder? which one is right? which one is wrong? when do i know what i do is right and when do i know when something i do is wrong? living is supposed to be right, but it feels so wrong. so which should i trust, the voice in my head urging me for the knife or the voices of nameless faces telling my i'm committing sins by living the way i do. 

if i could explain this better i would, but i can't, i can't i can't, this is all i can say. or this all i know to put to words, there's not enough battery or energy or paper or ink or honesty within me to tell you and show you fully this excruciating pain. or is this really pain? i'm no longer sure. maybe this is just life. maybe we're all supposed to question our own existence, the breaths we take and the fucks we give, the smiles we fake and the eyes we hold in our hearts. maybe we're all supposed to question why our hearts beat the way they do and why god loves us all but needs to punish the other for not believing in what they cannot see...for having an opinion, a thought, a dream, a voice--wait, can't say that, people will be offended. people will sigh, roll their eyes, pry and pry at my skin & my bones for saying such unfortunate things. i cannot speak of my opinion if it means that i'd offend anyone. anyone. because words hurt. so better shut my mouth. better stay away. 

i guess that's how life works. you do, you think, you feel, you hope, you dream, you wish and then you realize that it's been all flipped. you think you can say it all, 'till you realize you can't.

this is not the end --

this is the beginning 

of something new , 

it's the start of something 

to be proud of . for real . 

FIN;

 ★