I know one letter isn't a great title, but neither will be this story. This ones gonna hit deep from my heart. And it goes out to a special girl in my life who I wish I was closer with.
Years ago, when I was about 16, I got a message from a friend saying "dude, this girl is crazy and won't leave me alone, could you message her to get her away from me?". I thought sure why not I mean it's just a girl. But she wasn't no ordinary girl. She was a beautiful, smart, and such a sweet girl. I think she was the first girl I've ever messaged that actually replied back as much as she had. And everytime I saw her beautiful face in a photo or her cute little smile, I couldn't help but to stare and admire it for so long. She turned out to be the first girl I've ever gotten feelings for. She was the first girl I could honestly say after all these years that I loved. She has stuck by my side through all the bullshit I've done to her and I feel so bad for what I've done, but I had my reasons.
So I moved back to my hometown, which was about an hour away from where she lived. I didn't have a car, no job, could barely do anything with the way my parents were. So I felt like this was possibly the end for us. We sorta, just stopped talking. I don't remember how, but damn I sure wish it never happened. Because I feel like we'd be celebrating 5 years together now. My bestfriend messaged me saying he knows a girl who likes me. When he told me that I wasn't feeling it cause I had "K" waiting for me. I wanted her ever since I started talking to her. But honestly I was scared of someone like her actually liking me for me. All my life I was downgraded for overweight, horrible appearance, but she didn't care. She loved me for me. After a while of convincing I finally got with the girl my bestfriend kept telling me about. It didn't last long, mainly because I wasn't feeling it and when I got with her all I could think about was "K". I missed her messages I would get all the time when I was single and all the goofy selfies she would send. So I broke up with this girl. But "K" was talking to someone else. But they didn't last long. I feel like the reason they didn't work was the same for mine, we were thinking of each other the whole time we weren't with each other. This went on for years somehow (don't ask how I was and still am a dumb boy)
"K" to most people is just another girl, but to me I feel like she's my one and only. And that's why it never worked out for either of us with who we were with. Sad thing is now she's with another man. Someone who doesn't act the same way as I do. But he still shows love, even if it isn't as much as mine and I can tell she still sorta likes him. Which bums me the fuck out because I should be the one she's with. Everyone agrees. My friends, her friends, even her family agrees. She's just afraid of new changes I guess. I hope she's not afraid of thinking that I'd do the same thing over again to her. Because I swear up and down I would never make her cry ever again for all my dumbass mistakes. I regret it everyday and it keeps me up until 3am or even later until my body finally decides to shut down. I miss our late night convos we used to have.
I finally met her, "K". She was way more beautiful in person than any picture of her I've ever seen. I couldn't quite explain it, but she was a girl I couldn't stop staring even if I wanted to. She had my jaw drop to the floor at every single thing she did. Like I finally met her?!? We always helped each other through everything. I make her smile, she makes me smile, it was how we are and how we wanted to be. She was still with someone when we met though, but I could tell there were feelings by the way we were staring into each other's eyes. I was drinking, but before I got tipsy I still thought she was the most beautiful girl ever. Her friend that she was with and her wanted me to stay the night and not worry about driving home. I made some excuse up saying I'm staying at one of my bros house to my guardians. So we're still up at 4am just watching some chick flick and honestly I was just more amazed to watch her rather than any movie they put on. We all stayed on the same bed but I kept myself distant cause I knew it wasn't right being so close to her when she has a man. I fell asleep first. I wake up to her saying "wake up sleepy head" and playing with my hair. For a guy I love my hair to be messed with. I've never waken up with such a bigger smile waking up to see her gorgeous makeup-less face staring at mine. It felt like my heart was heavy with 1000 suns staring at her eyes. I knew my feelings for her were already back.
That day we did some errands, came back to some argument between her bestfriend and her bestfriends ex trying to take his stuff out of her apartment. That whine time I was trying to be protective to both of them for their safety. Afterwards I took her and her friend out for dinner. Came back with the food to watch the movie. I still couldn't stop looking over at "K" every chance I could trying to not get myself caught. She is literally the definition of beautiful in my book. After the movie we both left her friends house and gathered our stuff. I tried carrying her stuff down but she was being a pain in the ass about me being the gentleman I am, ha-ha. We stood outside and looked at each other and gave her the biggest hug I've ever given someone. I wanted to cry. Not being able to do that for 5 years took a lot out of me, and now I finally got to hold her in my arms. Felt like the whole world was in my reach, because I believe she is my world.
I love her, I really do. And I just can't get her off my mind. I wish there was a way, but I also don't. Because she's the reason I smile a lot, and I hope that the guy she's with messes up so I can finally have my chance to show her off to the world like she deserves. I want her to forget about my mistakes that I did to her. The reason that these 5 past years she's been with an abusive piece of shit and so many other men who didn't love her the way she should be loved. The reason why I will be her next and final guy she'll ever be with, and the same for me with her. I love you, "K".
-Elijah
