Why did you message me again?
Why are you telling me all your issues?
Why is it that I'm too nice to avoid talking to you, even after how bad you did me?
None of this makes sense.
You keep me up at night talking about how your man cheated on you, and yells at you making your anxiety go through the roof.
I told you I'd be there for you, but I didn't know you'd take me seriously, since you didn't take our relationship seriously.
Why am I too nice?
I can't just see someone be sad when I know how that feels every single damn day.
Fuck.
Why can't everyone just leave me alone?
I really only would love to talk to one person and I don't even get a response from them. Seeing them hurt and I can't do a god damn thing. I don't know where they live or anyway else to reach out to them. Maybe they don't want me to see them. To see them torn apart worse than last time. When that person knows I never judge nor care about your problems, in a bad way. Of course I care about you.
Of course I care about everyone.
But it seems no one cares about me or my issues. So I have to write them in a story in an attempt that someone will read it and find out who I am to make sure I'm okay. to let me know I'm loved as well. That no matter what they won't change who they are because someone else has entered their life.
Consistency is key. And being inconsistent can cause permanent damage to someone. And no one realizes that. No one realizes how something that may seem small to them is making a huge impact on someone else.
I work, I have a job just like everyone else, I have days where it could be a 5 hour shift, and then there's days where it's an 11 hour shift from open to close. I just hate going home to nothing. To no one. To my phone having so many notifications but they're all irrelevant to the importance that I'm searching.
I'm trying to find love
I'm trying to find happiness
I'm trying to find myself.
But I've already seen what myself can be. And it just doesn't feel like anything when you have no one to tell it to.
I thought I found love. But all I found was heartbreaks and headaches.
I lost myself, trying to love you.
But I never switched who I was to someone. I never changed how I treated everybody. I just changed my perspective on everyone around me and that no one is really going to be there for you more than yourself. Unless it's me, then I know even when you want to give up on yourself I'm the first person to change your mood and make you think otherwise.
This just doesn't feel right.
The way we are.
The way we were.
And the way we'll never be.
Because you're losing yourself everyday staying stuck to a human, and not a person.
I played games. But it wasn't my intention. I was a boy who played games and had to move in between an abusive father and a bipolar aunt who treated me like shit. Everyday I put you above them as my first thought but the physical and emotional pain they brought me everyday brought me down. So far down. And I didn't realize that this had an impact on my social life with the people I wanted in my life.
The past is in the past, and it doesn't last forever. Thank god. I wish it would already end. Everyone deserves a fresh start in life. Even if it takes everything in someone to say yes to it.
My stories are so blank and bland on who they're directed towards. But there's only one person I know in real life who actually reads these and they know what I want and I'm not one to force upon anything on anyone if it makes them uncomfortable. I just want my old life back. So bad. Where I was somewhat happy and seeing these amazing selfies and these new faces from people. Especially the ones I saved each and every one from a single person on my old phone. I'd die to have that old phone of those photos. They may seem embarrassing to you, but it's who you were, who you are. I remember each and every detail about you.
This just don't feel right to me man.
I don't know. Maybe it's just me.
I need to sleep. But sleep just is a temporary gate for me to think on the future.
My future isn't as bright as I thought it would be, because the light I saw isn't even shining themself. Stop being sad please. I know it's hard to but there's people who're out there to help no matter how much it'll destroy them. And I'm one of those people.
