I'm in pain, I'm in misery. I can't sleep. Can't think straight. Cant see what's the point of anything when all that happens always downgrades me on a person. I don't believe there is a happiness for me, nothing I find nor do actually makes me happy anymore. I wake up in pain and tired and go to bed exactly the same.
I wish you would just message me, it would seriously just brighten my mood. Nothing you say could possibly make things worse or make me feel worse as a person, even if you take 6 years, 8 months, 29 days 5 hours and 32 minutes to reply I'd still wait for it. Wait for you, wait to see you, wait to hear from you, cause what's the point of knowing you for 25% of my life if it just ends up to not hearing from you again. To know if YOU are happy or smiling, cause I don't care about myself. I let myself go. Gaining weight, not shaving, not even physically helping myself. I just don't care about myself anymore. And if I could just finally hear from you then I know I could leave this place happily knowing you were smiling and happy the last time I heard from you. I miss you. These letters are pointless to me, but it seems to be the only way that you'll reply somewhat with a response without thinking I could hurt anymore. Cause the truth is I probably couldn't, but I don't want to find out what happens if I do. I know people want me to stay, but I wanna go. I wish I could tell you and only you rather than these little stories. We used to tell each other everything, and then from me dating around and pointing the blame on you, I should've just pointed it on myself. Even though I never did blame you for anything I knew it was always my fault. But then we connected and it just took a certain part of me that I'll never be able to get back. I don't even smile hardly anymore. I act like I'm okay online or in person but you of all people should tell the signs in my voice, my expressions, my eyes. I just really fucking miss you man. And you're gone. Maybe not gone but it feels like it. And I just wish I was everything you ever wanted or needed. Cause that's all I've ever tried to be.
I hope Life's treating you well.
-Eli.
