This is just an update, I went on a social media cleanse (started one) a couple days ago. I was tired of being on my phone and living my life through a screen. I didn't really tell anyone until today why I did but the main reason was because I was tired of seeing other people's happiness. I know it sounds selfish or dumb but it is what it is. It sucks it happened on the same night when something else happened but it wasn't just from that. I've been building a lot of pressure and pain upon myself and self inflicting harm upon my body and mind that I felt this was the best way to do it. I hate being in the slightest of a good mood because I know when I am something bad is about to happen, and sure enough it did. I've tried the whole dating thing and I shit you not the last two fucking girls I tried talking to both moved to Texas. I'm like what the fuck dude. The first one was a friend I went to school with, she had a beautiful smile and had such a kind heart, her ex-husband told her while they were together he got another girl pregnant so she went crazy and moved down there with her brother and blocking me on all social media platforms (a reason I hate social media). This other girl was fairly recent. I wouldn't even consider us a thing, we went on like a couple dates and I came to her house and gave her back rubs and shoulder rubs while we were watching movies and shit, nothing sexual, and she tells me while I was on vacation that she had to tell me something and says she's moving to Texas, I'm like bitch what in the actual fuck I try moving on and all these fucking girls move away. Is this a sign? Like what the fuck do I need to do to find some sort of commitment or someone's time. Then the main girl I've ever liked went single (sorta) again recently and I was like "holy shit this is a fucking sign maybe this is it" and it turns out that her love for someone else was still there. Which I understand like you spent hella time together even if it wasn't all happy memories. You wouldn't want to lose all that time for someone like me who's probably not the best choice anyways. I can't offer you anything more than the next guy and I'll admit it. I tell every girl I start to talk to that I have depression and probably anxiety. I have numerous thoughts daily going in my head and it's especially worse at night time. But like after all this and seeing that i am just here and get shat on in every thing that happens in my life I decided that I'm getting rid of social media, but I'm not fully getting rid of it I'll still have it but not check on it. Just let the messages, snaps, the "I miss you's" build up overtime. I've gone through so much shit that I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I've been through. I lived with an abusive druggy/alcoholic father. I got obliterated by him all the time and no one ever got hit by him except my step mom once or twice. I was fucking humiliated by him and anyone that knew him. He abused me in public, locked me in rooms or a garage in the middle of summer with no water to drink. He beat the shit out of me to where I'm bleeding from my face in front of dozens if not maybe a hundred or so people. They all never did anything. Just fucking stood there. I killed someone, not intentionally, he actually killed himself in front of me but I had to experience that pain and going and seeing everyone just staring into me as I feel more awful than I already am from the situation. And it always goes through my head cause I'm always fucking alone and no one is here to let me unload my pain into their shoulder ever. I lost my fucking will and state of mind because I can't ever feel like what love is when no one truly shows me what it is without having to leave. What is it? Is it something nice? Does it make you feel alive again? Do you ever want to lose it if you get it? I wish I knew. I don't even know if I ever loved anyone. Like I said how do I fucking know what it is? I'm so fucking hurt right now and this is the only place I'll place it so no one will see me weak and down on my knees begging for someone to either end it or fix it. You can't see the tears in my eyes behind the screen typing this out. You can't feel my exhausting eyes falling slowly but never able to sleep. You can't hear my pleas to help me when all I've ever done was help everyone else. Everyone deals with the pain, but not everyone gets to experience the love.
Thank you for your time.
