Demons in my mind every damn day and night. I try to calm them down but they seem to wanna fight. My brains rushing and wants to see some light. Everything's clear, and it's cause she's in my sight. Calm me Calm me CALM ME!!! Drinking alcohol just to slow my thoughts, they can't run when they're not sober. Turning into someone I don't want to be. What the hell is wrong with me?
Why can't I feel anything. Why can't I feel you?... You're feeling distant, your walls are up. I'm locked out here with the weird creatures. They're all staring at me. I'm scared. Please let me in. I don't know where else to go because I always come back to you.
Feels like a lost dog. Can't find my way, I do the same thing. I work, go home, and contemplate.
I can't read your eyes. I don't know what you're thinking. This is unusual. You act different. You seem far but you're right here. Why does this keep happening? I know times have been heavy. I need a sign. A straight forward answer. I'm tired. I'm confused. I'm lost.
Wanders a few more feet. You're standing there, looking at me. Not smiling...is it cause of my depression? Is it because I'm trying to be funny or talkative so you can't see that I'm hurting? I'm so close to you but we don't feel close. I wish there was an easy way to just let things work. I'm so scared to lose you. If I lost you I'd probably die. I just keep getting mixed signals of what is going on.
Maybe I'm not everything you thought I was.
Maybe I'm not everything I thought I'd ever be.
Maybe I'll never be any more than what I am.
Maybe it's time to change?
Changing to make someone like you? You shouldn't have to do that. You're perfect the way you are.
My perfection is all you see physically, but do you connect to me mentally to see what I deal with when I'm alone every night?
I wish I could just hold you. I just want someone to be excited and happy to see me and never have to wonder if I'm good enough. I know that there's better than me but I hope you see the better in myself. Just please comfort me, men deserve the comfort as much as the women. I don't know what I did to deserve this much pain. And I only type it in here so that not everyone knows I'm much more weaker now than I ever been.
Rough draft...to be continued.
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