Kehlani
"Do you still have the dreams?" Dr. Rhodes asks me. I shake my head at her while looking at the coffee table. I tap the side of the cup in my hand before taking a sip of my tea then I set it on the table.
"Not really. And it was just one reoccurring dream. Same thing every time." She writes something down in the notepad on her lap then looks back up at me.
"Explain the dream."
"I've already explained it." I say irately.
"Explain it again."
I let out a deep sigh then start to explain the dream. "I'm feeding the baby, then J comes in and holds us. He tells us he loves us then right when I'm about to say it back the baby is gone and so is he. Then the scene of me pushing out my miscarried child plays and the loud sound of crying wakes me up."
Chills run down my spine as I tell this same dream that I've explained over and over. No matter how much I tell it I still get a sick feeling in my stomach. The shrink points her pen at my stomach and nods.
"Nauseous?" She asks. I nod. "What do you think that feeling is?"
"Guilt."
"About?"
"I don't know, maybe killing my baby!" I raise my voice at her. We've had a few sessions already but each time it gets harder to talk about. Telling my life story to a stranger and feeling all of those emotions from the past, eats at me.
"Don't get irritated, just feel what you're feeling and tell what you know."
"I feel and know that I'm irritated." I say under my breath."
"So what do you feel guilty about?" She ignores my comment.
I take a deep breath and sit back on the couch. "I guess for not being able to keep my baby away from my hell of a life. I know that it's my fault. I'm taking responsibility."
"But it's not your responsibility." I give her a questioning look. "Did you want to sell drugs? Did you want to be apart of their organization? Did you want to put the baby or even your husband in danger?"
"Of course not."
"Then what do you have to feel guilty about? Wasn't Ron the one who found you and brought you into that life? Ron and Ben had power over you. Ron had the power to put a bullet in your head or leave you out to be poor. Ben had the power to break your heart. You had no power until you took that money and left. When you did that they knew that they needed to regain control. So Ben worked to get you back but you saw his true colors, making him not have any power over you at all. So he went after what did have power, your family. None of that is your fault. You were a child when they took you, there's nothing you could have done."
I stare at the coffee table in front of me and take in what she said. I reach forward and pick up the cup of tea and take a sip. It's now cold but I won't waste it.
"Okay well that's our time. Take time to think but not too much, connect with Jermaine and express how you feel, and use your crystals if they still help."
"They do, and thank you Dr.Rhodes. Also I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier." I say with sincerity.
"It's alright I've had much worse. But I understand, healing is a very rough process."
"It sure is. Ok we'll see you next time. Have a nice day." I say while walking out.
I close the door behind me and walk by her row of other patients. It feels weird having people watch me walking out of that office. Knowing that I paid to just spilled my guts to the same woman they spill to. But it's also somewhat comforting, seeing how in demand she is gives me promise that she's good.
I get into my car and drive down the road. I stop by my favorite shop, a spiritual shop, to pick up a crystal for patience and some other things . I pick up the black box from my passenger seat and take it in with me.
As soon as I get in I go to grab sage then I go to the crystals. While looking at the many crystals I decide the best way is to feel them. I pick up each one and close my eyes. The second to last one I pick up fits perfectly in my hand. It's cool but it's not an uncomfortable temperature. It feels right so I go to the cash register. The fairly elderly man, Carlo, sits in the crisscross position on a cushion on top of a stool. He gives me a warm smile and asks what I've picked.
"These. This crystal really spoke to me." I set my items on the counter.
"I can sense a tension in your spirit child. Did talk to your guide today?" He calls Dr.Rhodes my 'guide'.
"Yes, in my session I realized I needed patience. So I came here. Also I had to bring you this." I set the box on the counter and open it. He reaches in and takes out the dream catcher.
"Ah yes, you are due for a new one. Here I've been holding it for you." He drops my old dream catcher in a pile with others in a bin. He gives people in need dream catchers to capture their bad dreams, then gives them a new one each month and burns their old ones. This is my third month and my third dream catcher.
"Hang this in the same spot as your old one." I take it hen take out my wallet.
"Here's for the crystal, sage, and dream catcher." I pay him.
"Kehlani you know you do not pay for he dream catchers." He tries to remove the extra money but I close his hands over it.
"But I want to, you've really been helping me. Please take it. And keep the change. I'll see you later." I walk out of the store before he has the chance to object again. I get into my car and drive home.
I walk into the house and immediately smell food and hear music. After slipping off my shoes I follow the smell into the kitchen. Jermaine stands at the stove stirring a large pot and humming along to Erykah Badu. The sight makes me smile internally and externally.
"Hello my love." I say sweetly. Jermaine looks at me in shock then sucks his teeth.
"You're not supposed to be here yet." He rolls his eyes. I put my hand to my chest and fake like my feelings are hurt.
"You don't want me here?" I ask in a sad voice.
"Of course I do, you're just early. I was almost done now. I just need to make plates but knowing you, you gone try to help."
"Nope I'll stay out of your way. I gotta go hang up my new dream catcher." I walk over and hug his waist. He hugs me back and kisses my forehead.
"That bag looks like it's holding more than just a dream catcher." He chuckles.
"Oh yeah I got a new crystal and some more sage." He nods. I let go of him and grab the bag. I go upstairs and into our bedroom. I take the same push-pin and put the dream catcher above the bed on the wall.
I go to the bathroom and wipe off the little bit of makeup I had on today. I stare at my reflection and examine my skin. I shake my head then go on to do my facial routine then go back downstairs to join Jermaine. Usually I would do my routine later but I wanted to give him time to prepare whatever he was trying to get done before I got home.
I call out his name and he lets me know he's in the dining room. I walk in and smile when I see what he's done. There's a bouquet of sunflowers in the middle of the table, there's two bowls of pasta, and two glasses of wine with the bottle for refills.
"What's this for?" I ask. Jermaine grabs my hand and leads me to the table. He pulls out my chair and pushes it in as I sit. He sits beside me and looks me into my eyes.
"I just really wanted to do something special for you because this spiritual journey you're on along with your therapy sessions is hard. And I'm just really proud of you for being persistent and sticking with it. And even though you know I'm here for you, you've done an amazing job by yourself baby. Keep doing you." We touch glasses in a sort of toast. I sip the delicious wine and let it flow over my tongue.
"Can I taste this delicious looking food now?" I ask. He chuckles and lets me eat. I put a fork-full of pasta, chicken, shrimp, sausage, tomato, and mushroom in my mouth. I moan at how great the combination tastes.
"That good huh?" Jermaine laughs at me. I nod and stuff my face.
