A Secretary's Job (Story 1, 2.0)

Chapter 15: Kyle

A/N: Picture is of Jon Kortajarena, my idea of Derrick and the picture Kyle 'took' of him. 

=＾● ⋏ ●＾= MEOW

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Though the haze from sleep was slipping away it was replaced by the strong pounding in my head. My skin shivered in disgust as I tried to open my eyes and crust fell off. "Arghh." Rubbing my eyes with my fingers, I squinted at the light coming from the window I was facing. Pulling the covers over me, Hade stirred under the blanket by my legs, so I wiggled my feet under him. 

Everything was slowly starting to come back despite the ache in my head. "Arghh why am I like this?" I was so weak and pathetic, how could I put Sage through that? I pressed the palms of my hands to my eyes to suppress the tears. How was I supposed to prove myself to Sage after yesterday?

Getting the urge to pee, I sighed and forced myself out of bed. I looked around a bit dazed, realizing that I was in Sage's room. I groaned remembering that my closet was packed with my things from my apartment so I used Sage's to have my mental breakdown.

Great, so what I did was make a scene and take his bed. I was a complete waste of life, why did Sage even bother putting up with me? Trudging over to the bathroom I peed. I was washing my hands while I tried to avoid my reflection when I caught a peek of my face.

I winced, my eyes were swollen, and I looked ghostly pale. I don't know what it was, maybe it was because I looked similar to how I looked like to back then, but bile rose up my throat. Hunching over the toilet I heaved but nothing came out but green goo. The sour taste in my mouth just brought back even more memories I'd buried along with the day of their accident.

Sage appeared at the doorway and the way he looked at me, made me hate myself even more. But a small part of me resented him. If he had just left me alone, I wouldn't be like this now. I'd be in my tiny apartment, alone, yes but with these memories far from me.

"Kyle?" He sounded so worried, but I saw the love in his eyes that always made me feel grounded. I pressed my hands to my eyes as I started to cry.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," I repeated over and over. I knew that it wasn't Sages fault. Yesterday was happening all ever again, crying from fear and self-hatred. It was my fault, I brought all this mess on myself. Even if Sage didn't come into my life, I would eventually find myself where I am now. Drowning in my memories, in my mistakes, and in the hideous person, I truly was.

I tensed up when I felt Sage hug me. He always waited for me to let him know it was okay before he touched me in any way. I must really look weak to him now. I pursed my lips and worked hard to hold the tears back as I hugged him. When I was down to just trembling gasps, he pulled back.

"Wash up and change your clothes okay?" he said pushing my hair back. "Take your time, okay." He pulled back from kissing my forehead when I tugged at his wrist.

"T-take a shower with me?" I asked looking at our laps. There was silence, and I was about to say it was okay when he pulled me up with him.

He undressed us both and checked the temperature of the water before we stepped in. I couldn't look at him knowing I guilted him into doing it.

"Kyle, look at me." My chin was quivering, and I blinked through the water falling on my face. Why couldn't I be better then what I was? "I'm doing this because I want too." He held my hand to his chest. "You're more special to me than you even know."

I nodded because it was the same for me. I closed my eyes, I knew from the start, from our first kiss that no matter how much I loved this man we weren't right together. It wasn't about working through a relationship, it was like something in us knew that no matter what we did we would never be enough.