Her Greatest Salvation -Olivia Benson

Your all I have

The fear Olivia felt as she was placed on a bed in the emergency room was indescribable. Nurses and doctors were poking at her and she just wanted to be left alone with her baby girl. One of them had tried to take Emma out of her arms but Olivia held her tight as low growls erupted from within her.

"Liv, what if I go with her?" Amanda offered knowing it was not going to be easy to get the two girls separated.

"NO! please Amanda, she needs me. My baby needs me."

It took a while, but they all had finally come to a compromise. Emma would be examined in the same room as Olivia and would also be sedated in order to minimize trauma. Emma had significant vaginal tearing, along with multiple fractured ribs and cuts all over her body. Olivia, on the other hand, had the worst of the both of them. 40lb underweight, she had multiple healing fractures, vaginal tearing, patches of her hair were missing and she had restraint marks on almost every limb. It was honestly a mystery to everyone how she was still alive.

She laid there on the bed waiting for the doctor to come back with Emma still sedated on her chest. She needed the closeness of her daughter. It was the only way to protect her in Olivia's mind. She hates feeling like this, she hated feeling like she couldn't trust the people that were trying to help her. The only thing she knew was she needed to protect Emma with everything she was.

The doctor returned to the room a few minutes later, clipboard in hand. "Olivia, I would like to discuss some test results with you."

Olivia slowly nodded her head, tightening her grip on Emma.

"Were you aware that you are pregnant?" The doctor gently said, watching as Olivia breathing became frantic.

The doctor's words echoed in her mind. Pregnant? That meant, that she too was carrying her rapists baby. Just like her mother.

"No, I wasn't" she squeaked.

"I would like to do an ultrasound alright? See how far along you are and how the baby is doing. I am very concerned because you are so underweight."

"I want an abortion!" Olivia blurted out.

The doctor gave her a small smile before starting the ultrasound. He knew the next thing he would say would not please Olivia in the slightest.

"Olivia, I know you don't want to hear this, but you are way farther along than I had originally thought. You are about 6 months along and that means you will not be able to have the abortion"

"Can I get a late-term abortion? I cannot carry his baby" Olivia said, each word cracking until she broke down crying. She placed her hand over her mouth as the room filled with sobs. She knew she could not have this baby, every time she would look at it, it would be another reminder of him. How her mother did it was beyond her. She cried, she cried for everything that had happened and everything that would happen.

It was a little while later when both she and Emma were moved upstairs. The nurses left her alone finally and Olivia curled up in bed clutching Emma to her chest, wanting to protect the one thing in life she still had. Amanda had gone home, wanting to give liv some alone time to comprehend everything.

Emma was discharged from the hospital the next day but Olivia had to stay. Amanda volunteered to move into the hospital with Jesse so Emma could stay with her momma. It took some pulling strings but they were able to get moved to a bigger room so the two women and toddlers could stay together.

Olivia had an NG feeding tube placed through her nose and down into her stomach, gently feeding her high-calorie formula to pack on the weight until she could actually eat. Slowly they would introduce meals but not too much at one time because of refeeding syndrome. Basically, her body had gotten so used to not having food for so long, that going from barely any food to three meals a day would make her body reject it and would end up killing her. So they alternated days, formula and Tpn and lipids.

Almost a month later, Olivia was released from the hospital. She and Emma were set up in the guest bedroom of Amandas apartment and it took her a bit to get used to new surroundings. The day they got home, she downed a bottle of vodka just wanting to feel normal, before all this happened. Back when Emma was just a baby and they were happy. The nights were filled with nightmares and if it wasn't her having a nightmare, it was Emma. Olivia would pull her daughter close trying to keep the tears at bay.

She kept herself shut in the room most of the time with Emma, she was used to having to work with small spaces. Amanda tried every once in a while to get her out into the living room to eat or do anything really.

Olivia was coming on 7 months pregnant and she hated every second of it. She tried so hard to forget she was even pregnant but slowly over the last few weeks she has started to look somewhat pregnant. If you saw her now you would guess she was maybe 2 months if that.

"Liv, we need to talk." Amanda's voice traveled into the room as Olivia was sitting on her bed, staring out the window as Emma slept beside her on the bed.

"What about?"

"Honey, have you thought about whats going to happen to this baby?"

"You mean, what I'm going to do with it?"

Amanda sighed, "yes."

"I don't know, I cant do this Amanda. It's his child. The same person that raped me over and over. Who raped Emma among other things. He took us from everything we had and now, we have nothing."

"You have us, Olivia."

"Can I tell you something?"

"Anything honey"

"I'm the product of rape myself and now I'm turning into my mother." Olivia cried the last part

"Your mother kept you."

"Yes but she didn't love me, she was a drunk. She made my childhood hell and now I'm like her."

"No your not! You are Olivia Margaret Benson, a fighter. You got yourself and Emma out of that situation and yes you are carrying his baby but don't hold that against the baby." Amanda carefully placed her hand on Olivia's Abdomen. "Because if this baby is anything like its mother, it will turn out great. I know you have wanted a baby, so try and make the best of this."

Olivia slowly nodded her head as Amanda left the room. She didn't know what she was going to do, Amanda made some great points but still, she wasn't sure. She had so many things to think about but for now, she wanted to just forget.