Her Greatest Salvation -Olivia Benson

Baby

A few days later at just under 2 months early. The baby was born. Currently, Olivia was sitting next to the incubator that held her tiny son. She knew that baby had a long road ahead of him and she wasn't sure she was ready for this. She didn't want to be sitting there right now. She wanted to be with Emma who was currently with Amanda.

Olivia thought it was honestly fucked up that she loved Emma more than her own biological son who she still had not named. She was trying, she really was but she felt nothing toward the little life she had brought into the world. She didn't hate him but she didn't love him either. It wasn't fair to him.

"Momma?" A small voice laced with tears came from behind her. Slowly Olivia turned around, still recovering from the c-section.

"Hey, baby-girl" Olivia cooed as she held her arms out.

"Is It alright if she sits on your lap Liv?" Amanda questioned

"Yes, she just has to be careful." Amanda carefully sat the little girl on Olivia's lap and watched as Emma turned and snuggled into her momma's chest.

"She's been crying for you. I finally broke down and brought her here."

"Thanks, Amanda" Olivia sincerely said.

"So how is he?"

"Pretty good I guess. Amanda, I don't know, I have no bond with him. Its been almost 5 days and I feel nothing towards him. I can barely look at him."

"Have they let you hold him yet?"

"No, he is way to fragile and I don't really want too...I'm such a bad mother" Olivia cried

Amanda got on her knees next to Olivia, running her fingers through the brunette's hair. "No, your not Liv, you didn't know you were pregnant for 6 months. After all, you have been through. Look how you sacrificed for Emma."

"Is it bad that I love her but I don't even love my own flesh and blood?"

"Honey, your overwhelmed, it's understandable."

"Can we go home, Amanda? I just need to get out of here right now."

"Alright, honey come on." Amanda took the sleeping toddler from Olivia's lap before helping Olivia up. She expected her to say goodbye to her son but she didn't say anything and that worried Amanda, to be honest.

Arriving home, Olivia took Emma into the bedroom, shutting the door behind her as Amanda placed her keys down on the counter. How was she to go about this? She was worried about Olivia a lot, how could she not? She was basically a sister to her.

The front door opened and Jesse came running in, Kim not following far behind.

"Hey, baby girl" Amanda cooed. It seemed like these days or ever since Olivia returned. Amanda didn't see her daughter much.

Olivia was in the bathroom, tears streaming down her cheeks as she looked at herself in the mirror. What had she become? Why didn't she stopped him? Why did she let it go so far?

Because you are worthless, a voice said inside her head.

"No, I'm not" Olivia growled

Yes, you would have gotten Emma out sooner if you weren't such a coward

Olivia breathe picked up, she was gasping for air trying to fight against the voices inside her head. They had started shortly after they had escaped but even now she couldn't escape them. She eyed her razor on the sink beside her and knew what she needed to do.

Kim sat on the couch watching Amanda play with her daughter on the floor in front of her when they heard the bedroom door open. Amanda thought that maybe Olivia was coming to grab something to eat, maybe a miracle had happened. But it was Emma, she had silent tears streaming down her face.

"M-Amanda" Emma cried

"What honey?"

"Momma" Emma pointed towards the bedroom. Amanda was very confused but followed the toddler into the bedroom and Emma led her to the bathroom. The first thing she saw was blood, a lot of it. She held her breath and opened the door the rest of the way. Olivia laid on the floor, blood flowing from the deep cuts on her arms.

"Emma honey, go get Kim alright? Go!" Amanda ordered, Kim threw up when she saw the blood, not able to stand the sight. Amanda ran and grabbed her walkie-talkie off the nightstand

"Yes, this is Amanda Rollins from the 1-6th. Badge number 1597635. I need an ambulance, we have a former lieutenant down." She threw the device aside and carefully wrapped Olivia's arms in towels before checking her pulse. Weak and thready she made note.

"Liv, why?" Amanda cried.

She knew Olivia was having a hard time, especially since the birth of her son but she didn't know it was this bad. Amanda watched as she was loaded into the back of the ambulance, torn between going with her or staying behind with the girls.

"Amanda, if you need to go, ill stay with the kids." Kim offered

Amanda was hesitant. She and Kim always had a strange relationship but since Kim had started medication for her bipolar disorder, she had turned her life around.

"Uh, sure Kim. I'll be back alright." As Amanda headed to the kitchen to get her keys, she couldn't help but notice Emma. Huddled in the corner crying, on the verge of hyperventilating.

"Emma honey," Amanda whispered as she gently pulled Emma's hands away from her face. "Your momma will be alright sweet girl alright? You and your momma have been through a lot and she's just not handling it well."

"Mommy" Emma whispered. Her voice cracking which broke Amanda's heart into a million pieces.

"It will be ok honey, you stay here with aunt Kimmy and ill bring you to see mommy later on alright?" Amanda whispered before kissing Emma's forehead and making her way out of the apartment.