Elites of Eden: Yarrow Not Rowan

Chapter 3

Walking up the steps to Lachlan's rooms is like running a marathon. My legs and rib cage scream for me to stop. Halfway up the staircase I stop and take a deep breath with my hands on my knees.

"Take it slow. You'll be okay," Lachlan says. I straighten up and put my damp hair in a low ponytail then keep walking. When I finally get into Lachlan's room I immediately lay down on his bed, not thinking twice about how awkward it must be.

"Are you hungry?" Lachlan asks, sitting down on the edge of the bed. I shake my head just before my stomach grumbles loudly. I hide my face with my hands (which I can feel turn bright red) while Lachlan laughs.

"They're still cleaning up from dinner but I'm sure they wouldn't mind me grabbing you something to eat," He says. I shake my head again. Both of us sit there saying nothing. I purse my lips as the silence sets in. I have to say something.

"It happened before," I whisper. Lachlan looks at me confused.

"What was that?" He asks like he hadn't quite heard me. I can't find the right words to ask him so I try to slowly sit up but fail as my rib cage protests.

"Hey, Hey take it easy," Lachlan whispers still at the edge of the bed. I lay on his bed useless and defenseless as tears fill my eyes. I feel so angry at my own pain. Suddenly, I'm sobbing at all of the pain and disappointment I've experienced in the past two days. Lachlan slowly crawls next to me and puts his arms around me. The feeling of Lachlan's arms around me and his breath tickling my ear seems to calms me down. I let out a sigh as I breathe in the smell of him.

"It's happens before hasn't it?" I whisper.

"What's happened before?" He asks patiently. I pull back from his embrace and look in his eyes.

"The torture," I state simply. The tears I just wiped away start creeping in my eyes again. Lachlan looks conflicted.

"And not at the Center...I'm not crazy, I just know...I know that this has happened before," I say. I try to ignore the pain it causes when Lachlan holds me tighter.

"You're right...it has happened before," Lachlan breathes into my ear, giving me goosebumps. "Rowan, this is hard for me," He says and the quivering in his voice is evidence.

"What do you mean?" I ask. When I look at him it looks like he's in physical pain.

"Being around you...it's still so bikking hard," He says.

"Hey," I say putting my hand on his cheek. "Let's just try to be friends, okay?...I'm sure this sucks but..."

How do I say it? I feel an attraction to him, a longing that I can't explain, he makes me feel safe. I just don't want him to push me away. I suddenly remember Lark. I've kissed her twice. I've never kissed Lachlan. What would it feel like to put his lips on mine?

I look down at Lachlan's lips, imagining them coming closer. Only one way to settle this.

I lean forward and kiss him. The feeling of his lips on mine send an electric spark through me. If I wasn't so bruised that it hurt to move I would be all over him right now. Lachlan's lips feel like a far away memory that I'm desperate to reach so I continue to grasp for it by kissing Lachlan harder.

Lachlan kisses me back. He puts his hands in my hair and sighs into my lips. I can feel by the desperate way he kisses me he's been craving this for a while.

Suddenly he pulls away. He looked furious. He jumps to his feet and leans on the wall across the room. He looks down at the floor.

"What's wrong?" I ask. Lachlan shakes his head continuing to look at the floor.

"I just..." He starts but seems to think better of it. 

"What?" I say angrily. I'm only so angry because I felt like I was myself for just a second. I'm scared of living a life that I'm not comfortable living. I'm scared that Ash and Lark are trying to shove me into the box of who I used to be. They just assume that telling me about who I used to be will make me Rowan again, but worst of all they assume that will make me happy. But what if I can't be that girl? What if I don't meet there expectations for Rowan? When I kissed Lachlan for a second I felt like I was doing something natural and for myself. I felt like I want letting anyone down.

"I said I wouldn't force feelings on you," Lachlan says looking up at me for just a second.

"Then don't. Don't force feelings on me. I have very strong feelings about you and I want to know where they come from. I want to know why. I want to feel why...so don't force friendly feelings on me. Just don't. Because I want to feel what I naturally feel," I say. Lachlan looks like this speech physically pains him.

"Besides it's too painful to look at you and know you don't remember anything about who you used to be. Who we used to be," He says like he didn't just hear me, finally looking up at me and holding my gaze. This personal confession may only be a small fact but it means a lot. Just like Iris said, Lachlan doesn't seem like the type to talk about his feelings. I get the same feeling I felt before the surgery, like I would do anything just to make him happy.

I know that being told about who I used to be won't make me her again. I know that being Rowan won't necessarily make me happy. Maybe the old me has died and will never come back and that's okay. But around this boy if nobody else, I want to know. I want to know what we had. Although it goes against everything I stand for the words flow out of my mouth.

"Then remind me."