Elites of Eden: Yarrow Not Rowan

Chapter 9

Rowan POV
"I just felt something," I say as I pace back and forth.

"What do you mean you felt something," Flame asks as she rolls her eyes, impatient as ever. I retold the events of last night to Flame shakily as Lachlan stood in the corner with his head hung.

"I just...remembered...I mean nothing in particular but...I just feel like myself again-whoever that is," I say with a beaming smile on my face.

"That's amazing," Ash says from the corner of the room. "This might mean you're closer to remembering yourself."

"Not that we love you any less now," Lark chirps in her purple-haired beauty. This comment frustrates me, it does matter, they don't love me less because I'm not really me at all. At least Lachlan can be honest about this kind of thing. Can't they see they aren't protecting me from anything? I can see that Lachlan is thinking along the same lines because he looks at the roof and clenches his jaw, a nervous habit we share.

"Well, this is a promising sign that things will return to you eventually, but I still wouldn't get my hopes up. I think it's important to remember that Rowan will never fully come back." Her words hang heavily in the air. I already knew that but, I can't believe that, I just can't. I feel this other part of me, this other girl. She's so close, yet so far, yet she's me, here, real as ever, all at the same time. The same thing with my memories. They're right here, looming over me like a shadow. I can feel them looking at me, willing me to look back. I'm looking...I just haven't found them yet.

"What exactly does this mean?" Lachlan says straightening his stance. I can tell he fears the answer. Lachlan has done so well, avoiding the cruelty that is hope, but it still has to be hard for him. He's around me every day, kisses me, and holds me every day. Every day we spend together is a reminder of the time we spent together when I was truly me. Every day he sees me become more and more like the woman he originally fell in love with, every day is a reminder that he will never have her back. Rowan is dead, I think. I start to feel light headed and dizzy. The other girl inside of me, the real girl inside of me, is furious that I can't remember. I feel like I'm constantly in a war with myself, a war I will never escape. Oh, earth, how I wish I could escape it! The two opposing forces in me is too much to bear. The constant headache I've had since I got here needs to stop...but it never will, will it?

I'm vaguely aware of Flame explaining things about neurons, and wires, and false memories, but I'm not listening. All I can hear is this ringing in my head, I realize it's the pulsing of my blood on the back of my eyes in time to the rapid beating of my heart. This feels like a constant nightmare I can't wake up from.

"Rowan, are you alright," Lachlan's voice finally cuts through the chaos in my head. I quickly snap my head in his direction. I swallow. My mouth is dangerously dry.

"What?" I say softly as if I didn't hear him, I'm not entirely sure I did. Flame looks at me quizzically.

"You need some rest. These last few days have been exhausting, I'm sure," Flame says then rummages through a black bag in the corner. She nods towards the bed in the corner for me to lay down, I do as I'm told. As soon as I'm under the crisp white sheets I feel at ease. I feel an uproaring fear as I see her come closer with the needle. I look at my brothers innocent, wide, trusting eyes, then at Lark and see how carefree she is, last I look at Lachlan. How I wish I could look into those memorizing golden orbs for longer. All I have time for is a glance. I glance at Lachlan and he's looking back at me fiercely.  I remember Rainbows words, 'Lach would never let anything bad happen to you.' I look at the ceiling and let my head sink into the pillow.

Suddenly I'm being lifted up in the direction of the ceiling and going into an irresistible rest I don't want to fight.

------------------------------
When I wake up I'm alone with Benjamin's Bananas in the infirmary. No ones here, I'm utterly alone. My head still feels so clouded that I don't dare call out to anyone. I'm enjoying the natural bliss of being alone, happy, and complete without anyone's help.

The world slowly comes back to me and I realize that there is nothing blissful about this. I shakily stand. To my surprise I don't fall down, I move in slow circles, I don't fall down. I know I should call for someone. Flame, Lachlan, Iris, anyone. But I don't.

Instead, I step out of the infirmary and go to the main cavern. I see the usual sight. Happy faces doing happy things. Old people sharing stories, middle-aged women patting teenagers heads as if they are still children, and small children huddled around Iris. Most dominant of all I see the great camphor tree. The hope and growth it symbolizes. I walk over the edge and skim the dirt with my finger. So rich, so dark, so real! Now I understand the anger I felt at Oaks when I saw their small bowl of dirt. It was infuriating compared to this. I look up at the great tree. I remember Lachlan telling me it keeps the Underground smelling fresh. Me and Lachlan had just met them. How much our relationship has changed since.

Suddenly I feel something like a punch to the gut. Lachlan had never told Yarrow that. He told Rowan.

I'm remembering. I'm remembering things from when I was Rowan!