Elites of Eden: Yarrow Not Rowan

Chapter 4

"Really I did that?" I ask laughing. Lachlan is sitting across from me on his bed, we are both sitting cross legged. Lachlan just got finished telling me the story about when we first met each other.

"Yep," Lachlan says chuckling. Lachlan's laugh is nostalgic and makes me want to lean in closer. "I mean to be honest I can't blame you. You were trying to stay alive, you did the best you could."

"Ok, so what happened next?" I ask like I'm hearing the most interesting and suspenseful story of my life. In a way it is. I feel like the next thing to happen is right on the top of my tongue.

"Next, I took you to the Underground, you saw the tree-"

"What was my reaction?" I ask excitedly.

"You ran and hugged the tree, then you smeared dirt all over your lips," He says.

"Ahhh!" I say visibly cringing at the image.

"Don't worry, no one judged you," he said laughing, "anyway, you spent a day here and one morning Lark showed up."

"What?!" I yell. "Gees, Larks always here for me isn't she?" I ask. Lachlan just looks at me for a moment before moving on.

"Anyway, then we found out that your brother was at the Center, so we decided..." I start to zone out as Lachlan finishes his sentence because something doesn't feel right. I feel much more anxiety about Lark being at the Underground, it doesn't feel like she just showed up and everything was fine.

"Was..." I say cutting Lachlan off as he was in the middle of saying something about swimming in water. "Was Lark okay?" I ask. Lachlan looks at me confused.

"Well..." Lachlan starts looking tense. "It's just that...they didn't really allow first children in here before...so they kind of...wanted to kill her," He says tentatively. I'm immediately angry. I never realized I lived in such a barbaric place. To think I loved the Underground?

"What?" I whisper. "Why?"

"They only allowed second children here, we convinced them otherwise, we got you lenses and a few days later we swam to the the center-"

"I can't swim!" I say alarmed. Lachlan looks at me just as alarmed for a second before pulling himself together.

"Umm...yeah, I know, you didn't have to really swim though, because of the suites we wore, so anyway when we got to the center we got Ash using these gases in a necklace that made the guards pass out, and we had pens that turned into a sort of gas mask so they didn't effect us, but when we got in the car to leave..."

"What?" I ask. Lachlan looks like he's thinking hard about something.

"One of the guards caught you, there was nothing I could do, you made me promise to get Ash if you didn't make it, so I kept that promise...I had to leave without you... there was nothing I could do...I thought you were dead...you were gone," Lachlan says and I can see his eyes glistening in the light as his eyes water up. Something deep inside of me stirs, I don't feel like that's what happened. Is Lachlan lying about something? What would he have to hide? Does he think it's his fault? Lachlan didn't go into detail about anything that happens after we got to the Underground. I think Lachlan is leaving a lot out.

Either way, I can see the pain in Lachlan right now and I can't help it, I'm kissing him. I slowly lean in, Lachlan already knows it's coming, he takes my face in his hand and our lips touch. It's slow and soft but I feel something inside me. Rowan. There's no other way to describe what I'm feeling right now. Right now I feel like Rowan. I don't know who I used to be really, but somehow I know that this is what Rowan would be doing, somehow I know that this is what I want. I slowly pull away and open my eyes, when I do so it feels like waking up from a good dream. My body is still sore all over but I think I should leave.

"Umm...I still have some questions, but I think we can talk more tomorrow, in the mean time, I need you to help me to my room," I say.

"Of course," Lachlan responds grinning, but quickly Lachlan's grin fades and is replaced with a look of deep thought.

"Whatcha thinking about?" I ask as we reach my room.

"Nothing," He says although I know he's lying. It only takes him a moment to break and tell me the truth. "No...actually I'm thinking about something...Rowan I don't want to force feelings on you...not even friendly feelings...but I can't...I can't continue whatever this is...I can't kiss you and be around you all the time, without hurting...I want the pain to go away as much as possible, and if that means...earth I never thought I'd be saying this...if it means taking a step back from you then...again, I never thought being away from you would make me happy, and maybe it won't, but...look, all I know is I don't feel like what we're doing is right...I need to take a step back to collect my thoughts."

"You need to collect your thoughts, you think you're confused?" I ask growing suddenly angry at the injustice of this. For the first time I felt like myself, around him I feel like I'm being me, I feel like me around him. How could that possibly be wrong?

"Rowan, I know how that sounds, and it's not what I meant but-"

"No, please, have some time to collect your thoughts, yeah, just really find out who you are while you're at it!" I yell then storm into my room. Lachlan doesn't walk in or knock on the door, so I know he walked away. (Which was the best thing to do.) When I walk in my room someone else is in it though.

"Rowan!" Lark yells looking relieved. "We haven't been able to find you all day, you weren't at lunch or dinner! Where have you been?" She asks. I'm angry at Lachlan for confusing me, which is something Lark never does. I want to get revenge on Lachlan, but also a deep part of me wants to make Lark feel better, and I have a great solution for both of those. I take Larks face in my hands and kiss her, not surprisingly at all she kisses me back. When I kiss her I feel strange. I'm kissing my best friend.

Yes, sometimes I've had romantic thoughts about her but I'm not sure that this feels right. I am sure though that I've always wanted to make her happy and take care of her. I know kissing her is making her happy, so most of me feels justified. The rest of me feels like kissing her is like trying to fit into a skin of something that I'm not. Didn't I say it myself? It's ok if I'm not Rowan anymore. It's not ok if I'm living my life as a lie. Being with Lark is suffocating me.

So now I'm left with the question. Why am I suffocating?

Am I Yarrow trying to be Rowan or am I Rowan trapped inside of Yarrow?
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I just want to say that I know that the guard didn't 'catch Rowan' I know that Rowan chose to stay behind, but I don't think Lachlan would so willingly say that to her yet. Lachlan definitely spent the last six months blaming himself and thinking that he should have looked in the car, he thinks that she was worth a glance, and he thinks that he was selfish not to check.

Anyway, Lachlan will admit to lying later but right now he's still very ashamed and guilt ridden.

Also, the picture up there is SO Rowan! Especially when she dyed her hair blue.