[Kitchen Table, His House, 3:12 AM, Stop Being Dumb?]
OSCAR: "People ask me why I'm vegan as if they expect some profound answer. 'Oh, yeah no, it's because cow farms are punting down this world's nine lives with each slaughtered steak. I'm part of a movement, you see, a movement of intellectual hipster goddesses who chant Lana Del Rey songs around a campfire of burning penises. Not to mention those poor Australians - the hole in the ozone layer above them is almost as big as the vagina of your fucking meat-eating mother. Fuck you and your doomed carnivorous tendencies!'
"I wish an answer like that wouldn't have taken me three months to prepare. I wouldn't use it, anyways. The truth it, I just don't really like meat. It all started with milk, really. I stopped drinking the devil's cum after the school librarian handed out cartons of the ghostly beverage to all the kids of my second grade class - only for the principal to eventually find out that the concoction she had given us was her own breast-milk. I had diarrhea for six days - and nightmares for six years. Things escalated from there: hot dogs were ruined for me as soon as a rumour spread about Abdul being hospitalized after a certain incident regarding a butt-hole and an edible oblong meat stick. Steak just doesn't taste good, no matter how much ketchup you put on it. And cheese, well, you would have thought I could never let that one go. One terribly-timed photograph of Ying Ying barfing out a perfectly-shaped cylinder of chewed-up cheese mix later and you'd think differently.
"You know, people focus on everything that doesn't matter. Saving the world is a side-effect of being vegan - it's not like I'm on some self-healing mission to single-handedly eradicate pollution. I'm just doing the best I can as a person who's had raw sausages stuffed in his gym bag at least once a month in ninth grade. But sometimes the best you do isn't enough for everyone else. Sometimes people have this expectation in their heads that people should naturally be profound, that people should have a mind-blowing reason behind every little life decision they make. And they dwell on these things, God do they dwell on them. I can't live a day of my life without someone asking me how the diet's going, or without someone cracking a joke about vegan people in my near vicinity because they're uncomfortable with the fact that people can - (holy shit, you won't believe this) - actually live without needing certain things.
"And you know what? The problem with people isn't just that they have nothing creative to say about you. It's also that they have this aversion to being different that stems from the Jurassic era or some shit like that and they can't get over themselves. You can make up the lame excuse that being scared of differences is only a natural reaction - we are animals after all, and we've been afraid of each other since we were eating each other's poop in dark caves. Hey, guess what? Thinking we haven't mentally progressed since the cave-men stages of humanhood only shows that you haven't, you goblin dipshit. Quit eating your friends' poop and live a little.
"I'm so sick of people forcing me into a box. I'm so sick of dumbasses who think how you eat defines you as a person. It's like they think that's all I care about. It's like they think that's all I have to offer. Yes, I get it, I'm a freaking role model. I'm a freaking class speaker, I'm a freaking lunch lady, I'm a freaking vegan, I'm a freaking everything-under-the-rainbow-rainbow-fucked-sprinkle-shitting-Babadook-bitch. Nobody thinks that maybe... I'm Oscar."
Oscar Ybarra Glyde
2003 - literally forever and ever
"Quit eating your friends' poop and live a little."
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Oscar Glyde Won't Heal Your Pride
HumorHe won't get his class under control. He won't make friends apart from the shamelessly unique school misfit. He won't serve sandwiches to the student body without lacing them with laxatives, at least once (maybe twice). Oscar Glyde won't do anything...
