Oscar Glyde Won't Heal Your Pride

2: Oreos Taste Better Without Milk

Chapter 2: Oreos Taste Better Without Milk

[Humphries Avenue, The Suburbs, 3:58 PM, Worst Than Pete Wentz's Actual Fart]

OSCAR: "1997. Evander Holyfield and Mike Tyson ensue a boxing match for the masses. Guess what happened? Evander loses half an ear. Why? Tyson bit it off. Is this the fate you're asking for, Basil?"

BASIL: "Bitch, hell yes. I can't wait to see Ronny walking around with a bite-shaped hole in his ear. If I can claim a part of his flesh, I can die happy. I'll allow you to euthanize me."

OSCAR: (prancing to keep up with her as they walk) "That's not exactly... what I meant. Hey - look. Boxer Becky Zerlentes - "

BASIL: "Maybe if you stopped Googling these you wouldn't walk so slow."

OSCAR: " - she died in 2005 after being struck in the head by her opponent. No weapons, no cheating, just boxing. She died. Are you ready to die, Basil? Are you ready to make your parents crouch in scratched-up pews sobbing over your dead body?"

BASIL: "This is a question you should be asking Weasley, Oscar. God damn. You think I ain't fought anyone before?"

OSCAR: (scandalized) "Uh - yeah - I think you haven't fought anyone before. You're an infant when it comes to fighting, Basil. You're a virgin. A fight-virgin. If you lose your virginity to Ronny you'll get knocked up so hard you'll have to leave school for months." (awkward pause) "Okay, so, that didn't come out right. I really need to think these things through before I say them out loud. You - you know what I mean. Right?"

BASIL: (smiling pleasantly) "You know what you are?"

OSCAR: "What?"

BASIL: (abrupt frown) "A l'il bitch. Stop spreading your pussy flaps everywhere and grow a pair, fuck-wad."

OSCAR: "I have a pair: a pair of eyes, and I'm using them to see that this is probably a worst idea than that time we bottled your fart and advertised it on Craigslist as 'Pete Wentz's Actual Fart'. We all know how that story plays out."

BASIL: "You promised me we'd never speak about Pete Wentz's fart ever again."

OSCAR: "Basil, please. I'm already falling behind in English class and I don't want to have to write you a eulogy."

BASIL: "You asshole. It's like you have no faith in me whatsoever. Is it because I'm a girl? Is that it, bitch? I never took you for a sexist, you grass-eating punk bitch."

OSCAR: "I have all the faith in you! Well, maybe just... a quarter of faith. A fair percentage. Less than a small bit. Alright, I have no faith in you, I'm faithless, and you'll never convince me into repentance."

BASIL: "Wow. Wow. My first fight and my best friend thinks the tofu-face can beat me."

OSCAR: "Oh, come on. Don't do that. Ronny's brother is an Atenamal Turdstall legend. Twelve-time champion. Two ties. Zero losses. And so far, Ronny's been doing pretty good for himself too. He's already won two fights in the ring this year."

BASIL: "And he'll lose one tonight."

OSCAR: "How are you so... confident? Please don't tell me you plan on cheating."

BASIL: "I have two extreme advantages Ronny knows nothing about, Oscar."

OSCAR: (desperate) "Enlighten me, please, before I have a stroke."