Drifting through the world

Chapter Ten- Coping Mechanism

Adrian

No matter how far I run they always catch up. They'll be there to tear everything I care about away and they wouldn't stop until I was left with nothing.

Even though I am already left with nothing.

I am left with the void within me that is slowly consuming every ember of my being. This gaping hole that just stays there. It can't be fixed by anything and that makes their blackened hearts swell with pride. That they were able to break some one who put on this show of being unbreakable.

I glanced at Hazel. Her eyes still closed as she rested against the cracked wall of the abandoned warehouse. Light breaths the only thing that could be heard in the still night. Her small fingers clutching the deep blue material of the  hoodie I had wrapped around her.

It was the only place I could think  of taking her when she collapsed just beyond the clearing of the forest. I doubted that we could stay here long.

You see once you get involved with the wrong people they will hunt you down and dig up hidden secrets just to bury you.

I used to come here to forget. Forget all the terrible things I had done but it would never work. How could I forget the pain I caused to others just to numb my own pain? How could I look myself in the mirror knowing that I was a fuse waiting to be burnt? A fire that grew full of rage and contempt for everyone and everything until I was just a small flicker of light on the verge of being extinguished after the destruction it had caused.

People always thought that I never regreted anything.That's the thing with a mask if you wear it long enough all people will know is the mask. This plastic painted mask that reflected everything you didn't want to be. It becomes so convincing that you begin to believe it yourself. That this is who you are a malicious monster who regretted nothing and didn't give a second glance to its victims. This terrible thing who didn't have an ounce of humanity within them who was a sadist driven by the pain of others.

I exhale slowly trying to control my breathing and trembling hand. Clenching my fists tightly and resisting the urge to slam them into the concrete floor. I didn't though I had already caused enough damage to Hazel she deserved to sleep in peace. She didn't deserve any of this. She didn't deserve all the pain I caused her and now I was going to be the cause of even more pain  by dragging her into this mess.

The people who had come back to haunt me were a constant reminder of what I had done. The pain they inflicted on me made me numb to everything. The guilt that they made me feel gnawed at my dying conscience  every second. For what they had done could never be reversed and they were planning on doing it again.

I was tired.

Tired of it all, walking through school with a smirk on my face flanked by my 'friends' if I could even call them that. Playing the part I had created for myself. The school my stage and like a struggling actor I had to take the part I got.

It was surprising how good of an actor I had become over the years of recovery.

That's what my therapist had said this was: my recovery. My coping mechanism was pretending that I didn't care about anything. She said that it was me trying to get rid of the person I was and carving myself into a person that no one could ever truly like or even love so I wouldn't ever lose someone again.

When she said that my heart started to pound louder and louder and everything was happening all over again. I could hear their taunting voices repeating over and over again.

'If you can't save her. How can you save yourself?'

'If you can't save her. How can you save yourself?'

"Adrian," her voice was calm and compelling in way; it was one of those voices that even when you didn't want to listen you listened to. "You have been through a lot. I know you are feeling a lot of pain, pain that you feel no one else could possibly understand and you're right because everyone is different and pain affects people in different ways. It has made you push people away and has resulted in heightening your anger. You are now more easily susceptible to aggressive outbursts because you blame the world for what has happened and most of all you blame yourself,"

I sat silently my heart rate slowly lowered back to its original pace. She looked at me before quickly scribbling something down and shutting her leather bound note book.

"I blame myself because it's my fault and nothing you say is going to be able to change that," I finally said in a monotone voice refusing to show the emotions that were raging beneath my skin.

She smiled sadly. "I know. I won't try to convince you of that even though  you are not at fault. I just want you to understand that though you may blame yourself nobody else does,"

A thick silence stretched out after that. I didn't believe her because she wasn't there when it happened she wasn't the one who had to live through it and everyone already blamed me before it even happened.

After realising I wasn't going to respond nor did I want to talk about it any further,she promtly changed the subject, "Tell me about that girl again, the one from your school, Hazel,"

Note to reader:

I hope you enjoyed that and it wants too short. If it wasn't clear enough the second part was a flash back of a therapy session.

I was trying to build the plot without giving too much away don't worry if your a little confused all will be revealed in good time.

But the main thing is that something happened to Adrian before he met Hazel and it and something to do with the people that are chasing them.

Please let me know what you think and any predictions you have because is love to know what you think happened.

Oh and this chapter is dedicated to AshtongreigXD you should really check out her work its great. I also loved the feed back she gave about the character development in this story.

Anyway have a lovely summer!

Lavender❤