taekook - window

33

The day of the talent show

"I can't do this." Taehyung breathes, pacing around in the hallway.

The talent show is in two hours, and the redhead is all alone to think to himself. He adjusts his sweater sleeves, looking at his brittle fingernails and breathing sharply through his teeth.

"No, shut up, I'm with Jungkook I can do this." He assures himself, trying to convince his brain that everything will go smoothly.

"Who am I kidding he just loves me out of pity."

Taehyung slams his back against the lockers, feeling his spine collide with the cold blue metal. He slides down to the white floor, leaning his head back in exhaustion.

"There's no signs against smoking here." He mutters to himself, looking across the walls that showcase multiple championship leagues and sports teams, big bright smiles shown on their faces.

He reaches down the the pocket of his dark sweater, his finger tips feeling the warm cardboard of the cigarette pack. He pulls it out, flipping the little box open. He uses his pointer and middle finger to pull out one of the sticks, placing it between his soft lips in satisfaction.

Just the feeling of the unlit cigarette placed idly between his lips brings slight comfort in his system. Like having a weapon at your fingertips, about to kill, but not allowing it to pierce the fragile flesh. He remembers a movie he once knew, where the cigarette was a metaphor. 'You place the thing that kills you right between your teeth, but don't give it the power to kill you.'

Too bad, I kinda want to die anyway.

Finally, he takes out the small blue lighter he bought two years ago. Written on the small device a small inscription in Hangul, saying '기다리는'.

He flicks it on with his thumb, seeing the small orange flame burst from the top like a Christmas candle, nostalgic memories flooding into the boy's wrecked mind. He brings the warmth near the tip of the unlit stick, watching as it burns and the familiar feeling fills his mouth.

He closes the lighter, taking the stick out of his mouth and blowing the smoke upwards with a small smile placed on his lips.

He hears laughing from the other end of the hall, as he blows another puff of smoke from his lips sorrowfully.

"Taehyung?"

Taehyung turns his head in an unamused manner, looking for the familiar voice. His eyes lock with Jungkook's.

"Hey kook." Taehyung says, taking another drag of the cigarette as he tries to ignore any thoughts coming to his mind, not bothering to look at his boyfriend's shocked expression.

"Taehyung what are you doing?" Jungkook asks, his stomach filling up with guilt and worry as he stares at the distraught boy with his concerned doe eyes.

Then and there, Taehyung decides, he's done. He knows he loves Jungkook with all his heart, but can't help but feel worthless and a burden to be loved by him. He feels like he's loved, he loves the feeling, but isn't strong enough to accept it.

The older stands up, scuffing his black converse on the ground as he takes the cigarette out of his lips once again. "Jungkook... I just.."

Taehyung breathes heavily, looking into the younger's eyes. "I'm sorry, really sorry."

He feels a grip on his wrist, and notices the sudden close proximity between him and Jungkook.

The younger looks into Taehyung's eyes, not being able to read his expression. "Tell me, tell me what's wrong."

The warm cigarette feels deadly now in between the boy's fingers, his body shaking as he holds back any tears from falling. He doesn't want to break down. He doesn't want to tell Jungkook his problems.

He doesn't want to make things worse for him, he doesn't want pity love, he doesn't want to abuse Jungkook's emotions by forcing him to love him. He will just hurt the boy more, and he's too precious to Taehyung to get hurt. It's like being too afraid to cover yourself with the red umbrella, because what if the rain is acid?

But he can't say any of this. He just can't.

Taehyung pulls his wrist out from the younger's grasp, looking away as it's the only way he can hide what he's feeling. "I'm sorry... I just can't tell you."

Taehyung runs away.

And Jungkook chases after him.

The roof.

It's the only place Taehyung can even think to go to, try to get himself away from himself. Try to save Jungkook from himself.

He reaches the roof, feeling the cold breath of wind shatter his thoughts and bring him back to reality. He rushes out, hearing the taps of his shoes against the rough concrete standing solid below him.

"Stop! Stop following me!" Taehyung shouts, turning around to see the love of his life standing helplessly in front of his shaking figure. "I love you, and I don't want to burden you!"

"Taehyung," Jungkook breathes, feeling the familiar rush of adrenaline spark his senses as his eyes meet Taehyung's now gray ones. "loving you isn't a burden! I love you for a reason!"

Taehyung's glossy eyes well up with tears, knowing exactly what he has to get out.

"Jungkook! This stupid fantasy is just a sugar coated reality!" Taehyung shouts, feeling warm waterworks start to stream down his scarlet cheeks. "These stupid dreams, this connection, it shouldn't be a reason to love eachother! Being connected is just a need, 'if one of us dies the other dies', well guess what? If you need me, that doesn't mean you love me, it just means you feel like you have to love me because you need me!"

Jungkook's heart clenches, feeling the cold air nip at his skin like the winds on an evening balcony. Hearing those words, emptying emotions in a verbal communication making him feel many things he doesn't understand. He just knows, he just knows what Taehyung is feeling now. He feels loved, but only because he's needed.

Taehyung's eyes sting, as he inhales sharply. "You don't actually love me! You just need me for some stupid idea of a connection! It's not reality! I don't even deserve to be loved in the first place, so why do you still stay by me?!"

Without having to think, Jungkook can feel his heels lifting off the ground and into a fast sprint. In the blink of an eye, Taehyung is held in the younger's embrace. A familiar, warm clasp of protectiveness.

"Taehyung..

I don't love you because I need you.

I need you because I love you."

Taehyung burrows his face into Jungkook's chest, inhaling the familiar scent of caramel as the other is calmed by winds of invisible lavender. Jungkook clasps Taehyung's hand in his own, their heartbeats in sync once again.

"Taehyung, you know it. You can't love someone else before loving yourself." Jungkook speaks, knowing that he has to bring the truth, now or never. "You can't be ready to be loved, before you learn to love yourself."

"Kookie... are you..."

"Tae, let's go sing together.

For one last time."

-</3-

A/N

Don't worry, this definitely is not the last chapter.

You can't hate me yet, cuz I luv u too much.

Tell me if u cry <3
-Scott