Life Sucks, Then you Die. (Rick and Morty x reader [platonic])

Raising Gazorpazorp (Finale)

I was feeling a rising panic. Death, was I actually going to die today? Maybe I shouldn't've been such an asshole to Morty earlier. "This will be the first instance of capital punishment in our society in 500 years due to our awesomeness. So we are forced to improvise." Ms. Biggest Dick of Them All gestured towards a ledge. On top of it was the biggest fucking bolder I had ever seen. Like huge.

"We placed a large boulder on that ledge." She explained. But Rick cut her off. "Holy shit! You're gonna crush us with a boulder?!" He asked/yelled. I gotta admit that's a bit extreme... I always though I'd go out via gunfire. But I guess crushing is cool too.

"No! Stop interrupting!" Big Ol' Bag of Dicks said. "The boulder falls onto a lever that will launch... Knives." Are you fucking kidding me. Could this day get any worse. "Jesus Christ, just give me a fucking gun I'll kill myself." I said, really what's the point of holding back my anger if I'm just gunna die anyways.

"Stop interrupting!" *insert dick joke here* yelled, anger increasing. I'm going to annoy this giant woman if it's the last thing I do. Which it probably will be. "The knives will... Fine! You were right the first time, okay? The boulder crushes you. I just didn't want to admit you were right. Happy?!" I am happy. I smirked. She was all up in Rick's face.

Another giant women came up to comfort dick lady. "Just ignore them. Ignore them." She said. "Such an asshole." She glared directly at me, I stuck my tongue out at her. She started to storm over to me but the women held her back, I ran a little to be in front of Rick, didn't want to be murdered to quickly. And I could always use him as a human shield. Maybe something would happen and we'd escape.

"Look, I'm sorry, kids. I feel bad that I let you drag us into this. I wish could have been a better grandpa to you. And you know, for what it's worth, that is a really nice cute top, that you're wearing there Summer." I chuckled a little. And laid down, if I was gunna die I sure as hell wasn't doing it standing up. Summer looked like she was thinking about something, Rick looked at me like I was fucking crazy, which I was.

"Top? My top!" Summer yelled triumphantly. "My top! The same top you complimented earlier. Look! Look at the tag! Read it!" She yelled out. The giant women who held dickwad back earlier came up to read the tag. "It says... Mark Jacobs." She reads out. I honestly didn't know these psychos could read. I quickly stood up I might be able to see Morty after all.

"Mark... Jacobs... these are names of the penis." Dickbag says. I see where Summer is going with this, I smile a bit at her. Well more like beam, sure I've made peace with death but that doesn't mean I want to die. "An earth man made this top. Maybe on your planet separation of the genders is the right thing to do, but on earth, a certain percentage of males are born gay, which is why my clothes are better than all of yours." I snorted a little. Summer has a point there.

"And sometimes the truth hurts. But it must be accepted. Like if I told you that you're using a wrong color foundation for your skin, and it ends at your neck making you look like a party clown." Dickle the Giant Pickle said, side note, my new name for Marsha is Dickle the Giant Pickle. Summer looked a little hurt.

"Okay. Ouch. Noted. But the fact remains if you impose Gazorpazorp's laws on earth you're no better than the men whose farts shall remain unspoken And if you think my top is cute, you cannot execute." I gasped, that rhyme was fucking on point. I stole a quick high five from Summer. "Very well. Give the earth people spacecraft so they may head back to their weird planet where women are kind of equal, but not really." Dickle the Giant Pickle said. I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Good job, Summer, and thanks girls. You girls are really *burp* something, I tell you that. You know *burp* when we first got here *burp* I was like..." Rick burped through most every pause, I like to think he was doing it on purpose. I laughed into my hand at the expression everyone was making. "Give them a ship. Now." Dickle the Giant Pickle commanded, cutting Rick off.

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After the longest hour of my life we finally reached Earth. I was looking down and saw... Morty? Jerry? "Rick, land the spaceship!" I yelled. "It's Morty Jr!" Summer gasped. "Shitt." Rick burped out. He landed the craft and we jumped out of the vehicle, Rick wielded his gun and I jumped out in front of Morty, blocking him from the Gazorpian. "Out of the way, Morty!" Rick yelled, Morty jumped at Rick. "No!" He yelled. Did Morty actually become attached to this abomination?

"Morty, that's one of the most violently aggressive creatures in the universe!" Rick yelled gesturing at the Gazorpian. "He's my son!" Morty jumped on Rick, pushing him the the ground. "And if you hurt him, you have to kill me, Rick!" Morty got off of him and walked over to the Gazorpian. I helped Rick back up into his feet. Morty and his 'son' walked off and sat on the curb.

I rubbed my wrists, they were black and blue from where the handcuffs were on them. Another fun adventure where three people nearly get killed, ugh at this point I'm probably an adrenaline junky...

Rick, Summer and I walked into the street. "Isn't it interesting kids, that after all that stuff we just did nothing really mattered, there was no point to it.
Kind of makes you wonder, huh? About nothing." Rick said, always the nihilist. We started walking back towards the pink spaceship.

"Are you sure it doesn't make you re-evaluate your policy about taking girls on adventures?" Summer asked. "No I'd say given what we've been through, that I was right the whole time, and any epiphanies about gender politics were projection of your feminine insecurity." I slapped my palm against my head for what seemed like the thousandth time that day. We stopped in front of the spaceship.

"But hey, why don't you have pink spaceship? Go ride around, and have a jolly old time. Maybe that'll shut you up." Rick waved the keys in Summer's face before dropping them into her hands "Dad? Summer, (Y/N)? Where were you guys this whole time?" Mom asked, walking towards where we were standing.

"We were on a planet called Gazorpazorp. What were you up to?" I asked her. "I was reading a newspaper." Oh, fun... I hate the news it's all about wars and bad shit, least they could do is talk about the fun stuff every once and a while.

"I heard about a little bit of news, myself. Take a look. Take a listen." Rick prepared himself and let rip a fart that could rival the last one. Everyone laughed. "Wubba Lubba Dub Dub! This world... still got a... still got a chance! See you guys soon!" Rick says addressing you guys reading. "Yep see you all soon! Probably two days from now! Gotta prepare ourself for another adventure! Hell yeahhh!" I yelled.

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Word count: 1264

How's everyone's day going??