Life Sucks, Then you Die. (Rick and Morty x reader [platonic])

Ricksy Business (Part 1)

QUICK THING: LOT'S OF DRUGS AND ALCOHOL IN THIS ONE, JSYK!

Mom and Jerry had tickets for this Titanic themed cruise for like, 3 months now and I had been planning for it. I was a week ahead in all my schoolwork. (Little update on that by the way, I was taking grade 12 Math, Science and English classes, and grade 9 History. I only needed the one History credit to pass, and it would be way more tolerable to take it with Morty so I stayed back in that one. I had to take special tests with supervision to get the credits that I was missing, so I only needed to do one course after these ones to get out of this cesspool. Which I fully intended to do as an online course anyways. So basically, one more year of highschool and then it's over.)
       Rick was dumb, he was smart, but he was dumb, so basically, what I knew was going to happen, was that he would throw a party and because I knew this was going to happen for 3 months, I stockpiled my shit. Got a bunch of illegal alcohol (and hid it from Rick), weed, and other assorted drugs that I stole from Rick and got from a dealer (a space dealer). Most of them I hoped wouldn't fuck me up too bad, but I deserved to let loose.
The four of us stood outside the garage and watched Mom and Jerry pack the car. I was excited. Rick and Morty were oxygenizing some eel things in the garage. (I had been working on math stuff.) Between working on classes and chilling with Morty, I was working on making my own portal gun of sorts. It was more of a teleportation gun that I would use to get around without needing to rely on someone else. So far I had figured out the general math, but it was the fluid I was worried about, I wanted it to kind of mirror Rick's in a way, with pink fluid. If it came down to it I could definitely deal with a different colour fluid, but pink would have been cool.
"Bye, mom! Bye, dad!" Summer said cheerily. I didn't really intend on saying anything to Mom and Jerry, but if I had to say something, it would be please Mother, leave Jerry on the ship. Leave him with the crew and let him rot on the deck, or something.
"Drive carefully!" Morty smiled as well, it seemed like all of us were excited to see them gone, I wanted to not invite anyone to a party, and get super wRECKED S O N.
"Have fun, you two." It was wild that Rick said anything to them. Normally when the family was saying stuff together Rick left that shit to Summer, Morty and I.
"Yes, we will have as much fun as possible on our..." Mom's tone changed from kind of unimpressed to super sarcastic and hella moody in zero seconds flat. "Titanic-themed getaway." She was honestly such a queen, I got a lot of my sarcasm from Mom, also Rick.
Jerry finished packing up the car and closed the door. "Let's lose the 'tude, please. It's supposed to be romantic." It's a titanic themed getaway. How romantic can it be, the titanic was a huge massacre of at least a thousand people. Also, a movie, I think, but I didn't watch rom-coms. Oh wait were they talking about the movie???? I totally thought that they were just recreating the actual sinking of the actual titanic.
"Speaking of disasters, dad, we are leaving you in charge, here." That, was what I was most thankful for. If Summer was left in charge the party would be meh at best, Rick threw some fucking bangers. Getting high was something I was good at, all the best epiphanies happened when I was inebriated.
"I know, c-can we wrap this up? Morty and I [belching] have some synthetic laser-eels oxidizing in the garage." Oh laser-eels! That's what it was that they were doing! I felt a little bad for ditching them the past little bit, but Morty understood my caseload was a little higher now that I was doing more, and harder work. Rick was annoyed with me, he gave me side-eye every time I walked past him, and made sure to catch me any time I tried to take shit from the garage. If he wasn't Rick, I would wonder if he missed my company.
"Hey, don't blow me off. I am drawing a line, okay? Any damage to this house or these children when we get back, and... no more adventures with my kids." My face scrunched up in disgust. As much as I hated hanging out with Rick, I loved hanging out with Rick. His adventures took a lot off of my mind, the endorphins, adrenaline, (stealing his drugs). The usual.
"Aw, geez! If mom's the one who's saying it, then you know it's pretty serious this time." It's true, once Jerry tried to ground me, but I stood up really tall and he ended up just telling me not do it again. He didn't even try and take my phone away. (Of course, as soon as Mom had heard about what I had done she stuck me in my bedroom for a straight week.)
"That's right." Mom and Jerry said it in unison. Even in his sub-conscience Jerry knew that he wasn't as good as Mom. He was sucky parent and a sucky husband.
"Listen, you have my word as a caregiver, everything's gonna be fine. And if not, like you say, no more adventures or whatever. It's like that old song "blomp blomp-a noop noop a-noop noop noop". You guys know that song?" Rick elbowed me in the side. "From Tiny Roger's? You never heard of it? You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s?" I shook my head, nobody had any idea what he was talking about, and honestly I felt a little bad.
"No-nobody?" Rick's temper clearly rang through his tone "A-all right, whatever. Look, who cares? Just go on your stupid trip."
"Bye, get in your car and leave please so I can go in my room and study." Morty, Summer and Rick all looked at me weirdly. "What... I wanna get ahead. If I get another couple days ahead I don't even have to go to school." I shrugged and shoved my hands in the front pocket of my hoodie. My old one got lost in that chair dimension, so I made Rick buy me a new one with the promise I would pay him back with interest. (I then went and stole 50 bucks from Jerry's wallet, which he never found out about.)
"Not one thing out of place." Jerry pointed... pointedly.
Finally they left, getting into the car and driving away. So I could go into the house and get stoned as fuck.
I gotta say about 3 seconds after they left, the laser-eels in the garage shot through the garage door, it fell off the hinges and the four of us flew through the giant gaping hole in the door. "It's been less than a minute and this has already gone to shit, a gobble-doopy-doo from dimension E-419 is totally going to owe me 20 fleebos." Morty looked at me, he didn't know that I had been stealing Rick's portal gun like 20x more than usual since I wasn't able to go out on their normal adventures with them. (Rick didn't know either, or he did and didn't care). "What, I get bored okay...?"
"I'm going to have a party." Summer says, walking into the house.
"Hah! They do owe me! Suck it Ghehrared!" (Pronounced Gerard, like Gerard Way).
"Morty, (Y/N), put the garage door back on. Grand-[burps]-Grandpa has to... has to get some fleebs from another dimension that isn't this one." Rick shot a portal underneath himself and went to get fleebs, which was really code for I'm leaving you to do my dirty work while I go literally anywhere else.
"Wanna play Uno after this." I gestured vaguely to the garage door. Morty smiled and nodded, I hadn't been playing with Morty as much as I should have been and I felt bad about it. He played Uno with Uno-bot most of the time while I worked on my laptop. It was kinda sad, actually.
We each grabbed one side of the garage door and slid it back on the hinges. It barely worked, but barely was still better than didn't. "Fuck it, good enough." I stretched my back and heard a couple pops. "What do you think of Summer's party? Gunna join her?" I asked, leading Morty up to our bedroom to play some cards, tugging on the sleeves of my sweater.
"I dunno man, it seems like a bad idea..." He said. I closed the door behind me and dealt me, Morty and Uno-bot 7 cards each. Yes! I got a +4 on the first deal. The worst thing about Uno-bot was that it didn't have a face to read. Morty, however, did. I could see from the way he shuffled on the floor and scrunched up his nose that he didn't have a good hand.
"Yeah maybe. But still, I'm harnessing this and getting super tanked, check it." I lunged on my belly to reach under my bed for the several bottles of alcohol, random crystals, and baggies of regular earth weed and purple space weed I had accumulated. Morty snatched the alien drugs out of my hands and shoved them back under the bed, kicking the vodka bottles with his feet.
"Wh-what! (Y/N)! I thought out-out-out of everyone here you'd be the last person to-to enable a party! How long have you-you been planning this!?" Morty slammed his cards down and Uno-bot played a red 7. I had a red 3 and a blue 3 in my hand which I played, making it Morty's turn.
"Like, three months I guess. I figured Rick would fuck something up in the first couple hours, him and Summer would try and throw some kind of party. So I've been stealing stuff from Rick's stash, and I paid Ghehrared, remember, from earlier, like 80 flurbos to get me some crystalized zanthonite and some of whatever that purple shit is. The human alcohol I just stole from that corner store across the street, and this shady kid hooked me up with the weed." Morty looked pretty stunned. "Look, Morty. I have a lot more work now then I had before. It's not harder necessarily, but it is... more. I think I deserve a break, y'know. I'm a couple weeks ahead in my classes and I have a surprise for us in the making." Referring to the teleportation gun I was making, obviously.
"Yes, of course you deserve a break, but like, I thought you meant playing cards! Not getting high and throwing a bender!" Morty yelled at me for the first time since we were kids (by that I mean, yelling at me because I had done something. He yells at me all the time when we're going on adventures and stuff, but I hadn't actually upset him in a long time). I wasn't sure if he was actually mad, or just annoyed at me.
"You... you remind me more of Rick every day." He said, a sense of finality in his voice. That wasn't a good thing. It was never a good thing to be compared to someone like that. I stood up and walked out of the room, leaving the cards abandoned on the floor. Pushing back tears I took a deep breath and walked down the stairs two at a time.
In the kitchen Summer was rifling through the cubboards and throwing stuff onto the counter. Rick was going through our fridge, I shoved him to the side and gabbed a can of Pepsi.
"What's got your panties in a [burps] twist." He grumbled, grabbing a plate of mini crackers and cheese and shit out of the fridge.
"Shut the fuck up, Rick." Morty walked down the steps and into the kitchen.
"Rick, tell Summer she can't have a party!" Morty said with his annoyingly high pitched, pip-squeaky voice. Christ, why can't we just jam out, Morty's gotta come in and ruin everything. Rick put the food tray onto our kitchen island.
"Uh, Summer, you can't have a party." Oh dip, am I gonna need to give Ghehrared 20 fleebos, I made this bet since I was flat out of fleebos and I know how Summer and Rick work. So either I've totally forgotten how the people in my family function, or I was missing something. "Because [burp] I'm having a party, b-I-I-I-itch! [burp]" Oh dip, that's what I was missing, the end of the sentence.
"Hell yeah, Rick! Let's get tanked! Like Olive Garden tanked! Like so tanked that the next day you're still slightly drunk and the hangover still hasn't quite set in yet!" Rick and I high-fived. Morty looked like he wanted to yell at me, if he wanted to he could, I wasn't gonna be coherent in a couple hours anyways.
"What do you mean you're having a party? Are some glip glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something?" Summer said sarcastically waving her hands and shaking her head to... do something, she just looked stupid.
"'Glip glop?' You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that." Rick introduced me to a Traflorkian once, they were pretty cute actually I quite enjoyed their company. Little green bastards with tiny legs and huge mouths. Unfortunately they didn't speak English, but they played Crazy Eights like mad men.
"Is that like their n-word?" Summer's arms were crossed over her chest. I reached down to the tray of crackers and tried to take one. Rick slapped it out of my hand and scowled. I mocked him by putting my index finger between my two eyebrows and mimicking his expression.
Rick shoved me and snatch my drink, taking a long and loud sip. It lasted at least 2 seconds and when he finished he burped and sighed loudly, slamming the now empty can back on the kitchen island. Asshole. "It's like the n-word and the c-word had a baby, and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews." I went back to the fridge and took another Pepsi out of the fridge.
"Listen, I think the three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and-"
"Screw that. This is my chance to gain some footing with the cool kids." Summer took this can out of my hands and I pressed my fingertips to my temples and dragged it down my face.
"This, Morty. This is why I've been stockpiling." I leaned over and whispered, and for the third time today I was violently pushed away from the person I was talking to. Why did everyone in this stupid family have to be so mean. Or logical. Or whatever, fuck.
"That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17"
"Why do you party?" Summer snarked, seriously, I don't know where she gets it because Jerry just rolled over at any vague insult, and mom wasn't snarky, more sarcastic or maybe sardonic.
"To get (burp) wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!"
"Hell yeah! Let's get Olive Graden tanked!" I threw up a fist and Rick and I fistbumped.
"Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones." Oh yeah, Summer's awesome friend's, like Tammy, who wore low rise jeans and a shirt that was too short. Because I go into my English class looking to see down the ass-crack of strangers everyday.
"Yeah, and you keep your awesome friends away from my canapes." OH. That's what they were called! I just called them little cracker dudes, Rick spent the next couple seconds putting another piece of food onto his canapes. For a super genius, he was super fixated on getting these stupid snacks perfect.
I went upstairs and Morty followed on my heels, thankfully, he was behind me so I had all the time in the world to shut the door on his face and twist the lock. He knocked and complained for about a minute before giving up. "U-Uno-bot, set to hard mode." I kept it mostly on medium when I played with Morty, not because he was dumb, but because I liked winning.
I pulled out one of 2 bottles of vodka from under my bed. (There was 5 different types in total, 2 vodka, 2 cotton candy schnappes and a single bottle of some orange bubbly wine thing, I like shit that tastes good ok, shut up). I took a drink and it burned. I mean, I knew it was going to burn but like it really burned. My face scrunched up involuntarily and I stuck my tongue out. I didn't get drunk a lot, but from what I recalled, the more I drank the less it hurt.
"Your cards." Uno-bot held out its single little claw/hand thing and I stuck seven cards in it's hand. It organized them by colour, that's how I programmed hard more to play because that's how I played and I was fucking good at Uno. "Dealer goes first." I dealt myself 7 cards and flipped over the top card.
After half an hour, I had beaten Uno-bot once and they had gotten me twice, I had gone through half the bottle. The anxiety I had over Morty being mad at me had completely gone I thought about it, but the feelings behind it weren't there. When I walked downstairs I had a kind of tunnel-vision that I hadn't noticed before, it made walking harder and I stumbled down the stairs awkwardly.
People filled the halls and someone I recognized from my math class swung their arm over my shoulder. "This little dude's in my class! They're like some kinda genius or somethin'!" Rick walked into the room and crossed his arms. I snapped and threw some finger guns at him, doing a duck face. "Watch this, watch this, if 3x−y=12, what is the value of 8x/2y?" The dude I couldn't remember the name of put me up on his shoulders. It took me a little longer than it probably should have.
"Oh, uhm," I sniffed. "2 to the power of 12." The room of kids whooped and hollered. The kid that was holding me up handed me a cup of something that smelled kinda sweet and I drank hard. I had never really been called cool for my quick calculations, mostly just 'nerd', or 'dweeb'.
"Ok ok, 18 x 2459." I scoffed, baby shit.
"Oh c-c-c'mon dude, you gotta-you gotta give me something harder y'know. It's uh, like 44,262." The kid boosted me up again and I threw the cup on the floor.
"See! They're like a little genius in a kids body!" The kid let me down with no warning and I fell on my back with a wheeze. A (sweaty) hand helped me up and I laughed.
"Th-th-thanks."
"No problem, (Y/N). You're hammered, aren't you?" I looked up and realized it was Morty. The crowd of people dispersed again. I rubbed the back of my neck and coughed, trying to get air into my lungs.
"N-No, fuck off M-Morty you're just boring." Morty picked up the cup that I had discarded on the floor and put it into a giant black garbage bag he was lugging around the house.
"I'm just worried..." Morty muttered before wandering back through the house dragging the bag behind him.
"Hey, Rick, squanchy party, bro!" A walking, talking cat with what I could only assume was a bottle of vodka asked. I would ask for some, but he looked like the kind of sentient cat that would carry STD's. I slinked back upstairs to my room, grabbing another bottle from underneath my bed. This one was the carbonated orange drink thing it was the one I was most excited for. It tasted slightly fruity and I couldn't even tell that I was getting drunk until it actually hit me full on.
It was a lot easier to drink and honestly, it would probably only take me 15 minutes to drink the whole thing. I stumbled down the stairs and drank out of the bottle. Summer took it out of my hand. "Hey! I-I bro-broke at least 2 laws for-for that, you bitch!" I burped loudly, maybe I was acting more like Rick...
"It's not fair that everyone else gets to get tanked at my party! Lighten up!" I grumbled and lunged up for the drink, it didn't work and instead of getting my property back, I just fell down the stairs. Like really fell down the stairs. Like I hit my head on the banister and I'm now bleeding from the forehead.
"(Y/N)!" Morty yelled, dropping his garbage bag and ran over. I groaned in pain, my head pulsed and throbbed.
"Whoo!! Hell yeah! Feel the burn!" I jumped up and pounded Morty on the back he rolled his eyes and picked his bag back up.
I met up with Rick and Summer in the living room. By this point I was heavily intoxicated and about to pass out. I didn't have any alcohol on me, and the room was absolutely spinning, whether from the booze or the bleeding cut on my forehead, I couldn't tell you. Actually I totally could, it's both, definitely both.
"Well at least one of my Grandkids knows how to [burps] fuckin'-fuckin' party." Rick punched my arm and I punched him back a solid 3 seconds after.
And then the living room exploded.
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Word Count: 3632

I went so off script here that it isn't even recognizable as an episode anymore lmao. Let me know if you hate it and I'll absolutely re-write it!