Babysitter ♡ Yoonmin ♡

17.

He had so quickly closed the younger's door because if he heard Jimin talk one more time he was sure he would explode. He felt like every move he made around Jimin was done with a such a precise carefulness, like a surgeon performing an operation or a painter placing the tiniest details. How hard he found it to not take those scissors, and rip open the flesh or to not take that paintbrush and paint violent streaks all over the canvas when he touched Jimin. How hard he tried to not to kiss Jimin right then and there, on his lips and all over. He couldn't sleep that night, as he thought about all this. He laid in the double bed that didn't belong to him, held up with thoughts and feelings.

He couldn't control himself around Jimin, although to anyone viewing this from the outside, he knew that he would've looked like an unemotional, calm, easy going person. But in reality, he felt like he was tying up his own hands and placing tape over his mouth to control himself. To present these facades to Jimin. 

The usual lull of numbness that embodied him had been replaced by these colourful emotions. When he saw Jimin hurt and sad, he had wanted so much to sit there and begin to cry with him. But when Jimin was happy he felt such an overwhelming tenderness.

But this tenderness deepened into despair as the night progressed, and darkly, as if some demon had heard his wish of wanting to cry with Jimin earlier, Yoongi found it hard not to let the tears run down his face and pool onto his pillow.

He thought that maybe his lovestruck fondness earlier is why he fell into such a deep and dark hole hours later. Maybe his mind was just trying to balance things out; as how most nights were; a mixture of such emotions it all just mixed into a big messy numbness.

But no matter what feeling; all he could think about was to kiss the other. But as much as he saw the other one smile and blush and flirt he couldn't bring himself to do it.

Because he knew a guy like Jimin would not love him. He knew he was unloveable.

And for the judges of the jury; he had some witnesses and plenty of evidence to back up this statement. Jimin stood on a pedestal of perfection in his own world that Yoongi would never be able to reach. He knew this. And he knew how he would ruin Jimin. If Jimin actually knew him: he wouldn't want anything to do with him.

For those same reasons; he thought, was probably why Namjoon left their friendship for Jin, and how Hoseok had started to fade away with his new boyfriend. And this only left Yoongi feeling worse. Namjoon and Jin would probably be cuddling together in a 5-star hotel in the middle of Seoul. Hoseok and his boyfriend would be doing god knows what back at his own place.

It was strange to Yoongi, how he could be in his own bed right now, back at his own place, not knowing of Jimin, and not having a sliver of the happiness this boy brought him in the past few days; but he would be fairly content, probably sleeping. Numb. But now, only a wall away from this boy, who even this evening alone had made Yoongi feel all kinds of joy; now only felt colder than usual and lonelier than ever, knowing how close his source of happiness was, yet how impossibly far away.

So he did the one thing he knew would fix all his problems.

He got out of bed and went over to his duffle bag, fishing around it. He finally dug around all his clothes and got out what he needed from the bottom before quietly opening and closing his bedroom door and walking out onto the balcony. When he was out there and was sure Jimin wouldn't wake up, he rolled a joint, fumbling around his jumper pocket for the lighter, to which he lighted it, holding it in his mouth, before letting out a puff of smoke that was eaten up by the midnight winds.

He felt guilty about smoking at someone else's house, but really he was outside and any evidence would be long gone by the morning. So he rested against the brick wall and felt his eyelids get heavy, as he breathed in the 3 am air and some more weed; cold and sharp against his lips, waiting for it to kick in and calm him before he would eventually take himself back to bed. It was night's like these that this was the only warmth he could find to numb himself into slumber.

Kinda different to most of the cute chapters sorry !! But I hope you still liked it anyway, if you did remember to give it a vote and comment!! I'd love your feedback. And thank you so much for a thousand reads!!!!!! It's literally insane guys I love you all.

Also like I just need a minute because of the teaser for tomorrow's mv. Literally what IDOL sounds like so far is a whole goddamn meal and my wig is ready to be snatched. The colours are so bright and vivid and the mixture of modern and traditional I'm so in love. thanks for coming to my ted talk.