LOVEHATE

10

I was well into the second semester of my junior year, and things were going pretty well.

Lillian told me that Shawn was back in town, and for some reason I couldn't get him off my mind. When he was touring, I could ignore any thoughts of him that popped into my head because I had my classes to focus on. Yeah, it had been hard to not think of him over Christmas, but that was because I had too much free time. Thank god my engineering classes kept me occupied. Plus, I chose not to follow him on social media, so I had the whole 'out of sight; out of mind' thing going on. But now that I knew he was in Toronto, I'd frequently find myself thinking about him, specifically about having sex with him.

It probably didn't help that I hadn't gotten laid since I'd hooked up with Shawn in December. That was 10 weeks ago. When I'd joked with Lil that he'd ruined me for other men, I didn't think it would be true. It kind of was.

When I went out partying these days, I still got hit on. Sometimes the guy was hot. Really hot. When I asked myself if I wanted to hook up, the answer was always no. I was craving someone else.

And that's where my mind was these days. I was aching to fuck that jerk who I could hardly stand to be around.

It was Friday night and I'd just come home from a bar. I hadn't been drinking, though. I wasn't in the mood. Maybe that was because I'd been hoping Shawn would show up like he had in the past. When he didn't, I gave up on having fun.

We'd never exchanged numbers. Why would we? We weren't friends. But as I plopped down in the couch in my empty apartment, I wished I could text him. I wondered how he'd respond to 'you up?'

"Ugh!" I said out loud, hating myself for even having these thoughts.

On a whim, I went on Instagram and searched him to see what he'd posted lately. I knew seeing pics of him would only make me want him more, but maybe I was a glutton for punishment. His most recent post was from just 30 minutes ago and was of that beautiful skyline view. So he was home. And probably still up.

I stared at the picture and tried to ignore the voice screaming in my head. You could just show up at his place! it told me. I knew he enjoyed our time in bed together as much as I did, so perhaps he'd be happy to see me.

I quickly threw on my coat and rushed out the door. Before long, I was parking my car down the street from his condo. I approached the double glasses doors of his building and pulled the handle. Locked.

Shit. I'd forgotten that this was a secure building. I could buzz up to his condo and he could let me in, but that ruined my plan. I wanted to knock on his door and see the look of surprise on his face when he saw me standing there. Plus, there was something kind of pathetic about asking him to buzz me in. It gave him control.

I stood there debating what to do for several minutes. Finally, another resident showed up and used his key card to unlock the security system. As he headed down the hall, I grabbed the door before it shut completely and let myself into the lobby.

"And what do you think you're doing?" a voice to the left asked me.

I turned and saw a guard sitting behind a station that had multiple security camera monitors.

"I'm going to see a friend," I said, smiling sweetly to convince him I wasn't an intruder.

"What's your friend's name?"

"Shawn."

He rolled his eyes and muttered, "Of course. Another one." He then stood up.

"I really do know him," I said, placing my hands on my hips.

"Yeah? Do you know how many times I've heard that?"

"I'm not some crazed fan."

"Then why didn't you have him buzz you in?" the guard asked.