LOVEHATE

17

I woke up early and went down to the kitchen for coffee. I was finishing my second cup when Shawn joined me. He nodded at me before helping himself to a cup.

I went to the fridge and pulled out some leftover breakfast casserole from yesterday and heated us each up a serving. I set it on the kitchen table. He sat across from me and we both ate in silence.

I wasn't sure if I preferred the silent treatment to fighting.

He did the dishes, and I went upstairs to shower after wrapping my cast in several plastic bags. He showered right after me. A tiny part of me hoped he'd join me, but things were clearly not good between us. It was becoming glaringly obvious that we were going to have a miserable ride home.

Shawn loaded up the Jeep with his bag and my two suitcases, and we hit the road before noon. For the first half hour, the ride was silent. Finally I decided I'd suck it up and be the one to crack.

"Can we listen to music?" I asked.

"Feel free to plug your phone into the aux cord," he said.

I got it hooked up. "What do you want to listen to?"

"You pick."

"What if you don't like the music I like?" I asked.

"What do you like?"

"I mostly listen to stuff from the 90's and early 2000's. I've been on a Nirvana kick lately."

He smiled. "I know Dave Grohl."

Okay, so this impressed me.

I chose In Utero because Heart-Shaped Box was one of my favorites.

We rode for a bit just listening to the music.

"I've learned more about you in the last 24 hours than I've learned about you since we met, which was almost a year ago," Shawn said.

"Really?" I asked, though I knew it was true. It had been bothering me since he'd arrived.

"I learned that you are Italian and that you have an awesome little brother who is deaf. I also learned that you can't cook, you get anxious during serial killer documentaries, you just turned 21, and you like older music."

"That's funny," I said.

"No, Sadie, it's not funny. It's actually kind of sad. You and I have been intimate in pretty much every way possible, yet I had no fucking idea what your last name was until yesterday. It's fucked up."

I stared out the window and watched the scenery whiz by me.

"Am I supposed to apologize?" I said after a minute had passed.

He sighed loudly. "It's not your fault, but can you acknowledge that this isn't right?"

"I've been saying it's fucked up since day one."

"So we agree. What now?" he said.

I just stared at him. What now? I had no answer to that question.

He glanced over at me before looking back at the highway. "I mean it. What do we do now?"

"What do you want to do?" I asked.

"We could try to get to know each other. Become friends, maybe? I dunno. But I can't do the sex-only thing anymore. Now that I've met your family, it feels wrong."

I felt a knot forming in my stomach. I'd been feeling the same way. This weekend had shifted things. We'd crossed a line that couldn't be uncrossed.

"Sadie?"

"Can we not talk about this anymore?" I asked.

"We need to talk! Jesus, do you not see that?" he said, his voice bordering on yelling.

I felt tears welling up in my eyes. "Please? Can we stop?" I pleaded.

Shawn looked over and saw how upset I was. "Shit, honey...don't cry."

He then pulled off at the next exit and drove until he found a parking lot where he could stop the car.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you," he said softly as he turned in his seat to face me.

I shook my head. "It's not that. I'm used to us yelling at each other."

"What is it?"

"I just knew we'd get to this point eventually and I'm sad about it. Which is ridiculous given how little of a relationship we have."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I can't do it anymore, Shawn. The sex is incredible, but we're not good together. We can't get along. I appreciate that you want to be friends, but I think that will make things worse, not better. It worked before because there were no feelings involved. What you're trying to do makes it more real. It makes it more meaningful. It makes it more...I don't know, just more."

He looked at me for a long time, his expression impossible to read. Finally he spoke.

"So that's it then? We just say goodbye?"

"I'm sure we'll still see each other, but maybe we should try not to," I said. "For awhile at least."

"I'm going back to LA, so you'll be rid of me for several weeks."

I nodded.

He started the car and soon we were back on the highway. For the rest of the long drive we just listened to music without exchanging any words.

Shawn pulled up at my apartment and got out of the car. He grabbed both of my suitcases and carried them to the elevator, down the hall, and to my door.

I reached in my purse and pulled out a wad of cash that I'd counted out earlier while he'd gassed up the car. "Thanks so much for the ride. You really were a lifesaver."

He stared at the money in my extended hand.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" he said loudly.

"I told you I would pay whomever drove me. That was the deal. I should probably add another $50 for gas," I said as I dug into my wallet for more cash.

He shook his head at me and just walked away.

I took my suitcases inside one at a time and carried them to my room. I unpacked my clothes and put the luggage in the hall closet. We hadn't stopped to eat on the ride, so I was starving. I made myself some mac and cheese and ate it standing in the kitchen. I washed everything using my one good hand and went to my room. It was far too early for bed, but I changed into my jammies and crawled under my covers.

And then I started to cry.

The thing was, I wanted more with Shawn. I'd wanted it for awhile. I knew that wasn't a possibility for us and I knew I'd end up getting hurt.

He wanted to progress to being friends with benefits, but that wouldn't work for me. The second we had a relationship, even if it was just as friends, I'd be lost. There was no doubt in my mind that once the door opened, even if it was just a crack, I'd fall madly in love with him. He didn't love me, and I couldn't stand having my heart broken. I was one of many to him. I'd joked before about other women and he never denied it. Hell, I'd met Allie, so I knew I wasn't the only person he fucked.

The whole reason I fought to keep things so impersonal was to protect myself. He wanted a fuck buddy and could keep things casual if we became friends, but I couldn't. If we started relating to each other in a more personal level, I'd be in trouble. His head was obviously not in the same place mine was if he could switch gears on our relationship without a second thought.

It had killed me to spend the weekend with him and to get a glimpse of the real Shawn Mendes. He was so kind and considerate and caring and for fuck's sake he'd won my brother over immediately. And my parents? He'd impressed them so much with his charm and helpfulness.

Things were simpler when we were consistently obnoxious to each other. That's what worked for us, no matter how fucked up it was. He had to go and change everything by trying to get to know me and becoming my friend. I wanted so badly to hate him for ruining a good thing.

But I couldn't.