LOVEHATE

21

After two days of phoneless torture, I arrived home from classes on Tuesday to find a box waiting for me on the counter. Lillian must have signed for the delivery.

I quickly unpackaged my shiny new iPhone and plugged it in to charge while I set it up. Once it was good to go, the alerts started rolling in. Most of them were either junk or texts from my project group. They knew my phone was wrecked, so they'd emailed me, too.

Five texts from Shawn appeared. One was from Sunday night, two were from yesterday, and the last two were from today.

Shawn: you're leaving me on read?

Shawn: I'm sorry if I made you mad at the party

Shawn: did you block me? my texts don't even say delivered.

Shawn: I guess it was a mistake to text you

Shawn: I won't bug you again.

Reading the progression of texts killed me. I hated that he thought I'd ignored him. Granted, I had ignored him initially, but if I'd received that second text, I would have caved and responded.

I went on Instagram to see if I could find out if he was back in Toronto. I didn't want to just text him; I wanted to actually talk to him face to face after seeing the hurt in his texts. Obviously I'd explain about my phone, but more importantly I'd find out what his first text from after the party meant.

I saw several posts that indicated he'd arrived at Pearson airport earlier today. I smiled at the pictures of him with his fans. It was incredible how open and accessible he was. He was possibly at home right now, but there was only one way to find out for sure.

I ran to my room and checked out my appearance. My mirror told me what I suspected; I looked like shit. I never put effort into how I looked for classes, so I was wearing leggings, a big sweatshirt, no make-up, and my hair was in a messy bun. I brushed on some mascara, sprayed a little perfume on my wrists, redid my bun, and called it a day.

It didn't take me long to get to Shawn's condo. Luckily, I found street parking within a block of his house. I went up to the keypad and entered the code he'd given me back when I visited him frequently. 'Invalid key sequence' popped up on the little screen. Thinking I'd hit a wrong number, I tried again. I got the same message. Fuck. He'd changed his guest passcode. As I stood there trying to decide what to do next, the door buzzed open. I looked over and saw Stanley wave me in.

"Thanks!" I said as I walked through the door.

"Haven't seen you in awhile," he said with a cocked eyebrow.

"Yeah, um, we had some issues," I said, feeling weird discussing this with the security guard who once threatened to call the police on me.

"Am I going to get in trouble for letting you in?" he asked with a scowl. "You aren't one of those crazy ex-girlfriend stalker types, are you?"

"No, sir. If he doesn't want to see me, I'll be back down here in less than five minutes."

"I'll be watching the video monitor for that floor just to be safe," he told me.

Okay, so that was a little creepy, but I knew it made sense from a security standpoint.

I got in the elevator and made my way up. As I exited, I took several deep breaths. I then stood across from the elevator doors to gather my thoughts. The last thing I needed was to show up at his door without a clear head. I ran through a couple scenarios to prepare myself.

What was the worst thing that could happen?

He could slam the door in my face. That would suck, and my feelings would be hurt, but ultimately I'd be where I was now with him. I wouldn't be that much worse off.

What was my dream outcome?

It would be lovely if he took me in his arms and kissed me and then carried me to his bedroom to make love to me for hours. That wasn't exactly prudent, though. We needed to talk. We'd avoided talking during our entire fucked up relationship. Sure he'd tried to engage me in conversation on our long drive, but I'd stupidly shut him down.

Ultimately, my hope was that he'd see me, smile, and that we'd sit down and open up to each other. I was finally willing to take a risk and let him know how I felt about him. If we went back to our old routine of arguing, I'd know I gave it a shot and wouldn't keep wondering 'what if.'

Okay. I was ready. I took one last deep breath in as I took a step towards his door. Shawn lived midway down the hall, so I was nowhere near it when I saw his door open. Out walked a gorgeous blonde. The door shut behind her and she walked towards the elevator. She gave me a sweet smile as she passed me. I noticed that her hair was messy, her cheeks were pink, and her face had the light sheen of sweat a person gets after sex. If you googled 'just fucked,' I was pretty sure this girl and how she looked right now would be the first image that popped up. I continued to walk down the hall so that I didn't look like a total idiot.

I heard the elevator open and close behind me, so I stopped and turned back around, hurrying to the elevator so I could escape. I'd die if Shawn left his condo and found me lurking in his corridor.

Holy shit. He had a woman over. A gorgeous woman. Sure I always figured I wasn't the only one in his life. And yeah, we'd been apart for four months. He'd moved on. Why wouldn't he? Maybe his text really was just about talking and being friends. Knocking on his door and thinking we might rekindle what we had, and perhaps have even more, was ridiculous. This was way too similar to the other time I'd shown up unexpectedly. When would I ever learn?

I got in the elevator and hit the button for the lobby three times in a row to hurry it along. When the doors reopened on the ground floor, I stepped out. Stanley gave me a sympathetic look.

"Sorry. I didn't know someone was there. She entered and left through the parking garage level, and I didn't notice she'd gone to his place," he said.

"It's not your fault," I told him. "But can you be honest with me? Has that woman been here to see him before?"

He hesitated before answering.

"Never mind," I said. "I had no right to ask you that."

"She lives in this building on another floor," he said.

I nodded. So that was that. He had a new girlfriend who conveniently lived in his building. I was a fool for thinking I had a shot at Shawn Mendes.

"Take care, Stanley," I said with a weak smile before leaving.

I got home and pulled a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream from the freezer. I carried it to my bed and sat there cramming the creamy delicious treat in my mouth until it was gone. As I ate, I blasted You Outta Know by Alanis Morissette. It was a good thing that was the last pint in the house, or I would have moved on to the next one.

Lillian came home and popped her head in my door.

"How's the new phone?" she asked.

"I hate it," I said glumly.

"What? Why?" Lil asked as she made her way into my room and sat down on my bed next to me.

"It ruined my day. Ugh. Why am I such an idiot?" I asked as tears started welling up in my eyes.

"Sadie, you aren't an idiot! You're the best! Tell me what's going on."

So I told her everything I hadn't told her over the summer, starting with Shawn's disastrous visit to Ottawa and ending with my even more disastrous visit to his condo today.

She held me as I cried and tried to offer me advice, but I knew it was useless. I hated Shawn for making me fall for him.