LOVEHATE

24

The following Friday night, Mark and I were back in the same position we'd finished in (or rather, that he'd finished in) the week before, though we ended up on the floor this time. I was taking it easier with my gyrations because I didn't want a repeat of our last date. He'd left in a hurry after that and hadn't called or texted me for a couple days, presumably out of embarrassment.

We'd gone out to eat again. I'd insisted on paying since he'd bought at the Lebanese restaurant. This time we went out for sushi at my suggestion. Mark should have told me he didn't like fish, though. I felt bad that he was limited to what he could eat while I pigged out on several pieces of salmon nigiri and a spicy tuna roll. He didn't like sake, either. Japanese food was probably off the menu for future dates.

As I straddled him, I was thinking that I'd have sex with Mark. I was supposed to be moving on, right? He was smart and funny and handsome. And he adored me like I'd never been adored before, though sometimes it was almost too much. Did he really think I was the most beautiful woman in the entire world? The world is a big place.

I broke away from kissing him. We both had our shirts off and his hands were on my breasts. I still had on a tank top because we were taking things at a snail's pace. Again.

"Do you want to stay over?" I asked as I stared into his beautiful blue eyes.

"You want me to?" he asked, sounding surprised.

"I just asked, didn't I?" I said with a smile, though his question bugged me a bit since I didn't like having to ask the same question twice.

He nodded. "I'd love that. But...just to clarify, are you talking about sex?"

I just stared at him. Was he really this naive? Shawn and I could be across a room from each other, make brief eye contact, and convey without words that it was time to leave so we could fuck. Mark apparently needed this spelled out. I couldn't do it though. I just waited for him to get it on his own.

"Oh. Right," he said. "I don't have condoms on me. Want me to go buy some?"

Was it sweet or stupid for a guy to show up to his fourth date without protection? I chose to believe it was sweet.

"I think have some," I said as I climbed off his lap.

He got a weird look on his face, kind of like he'd just tasted something bitter.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing."

"No really, what was that look for?"

He sighed. "It just crossed my mind that they are probably leftover from when you were with Mendes."

Oh god. This was not good. It flashed through my mind that maybe I should just send him home.

"So what if they are? It's not like he used them."

Mark made another face at that comment. Maybe it was a bit gross and snarky, but he brought Shawn up, not me.

I walked to my bedroom and Mark followed. I sat on the end of the bed and he sat down next to me. I waited for him to make a move. Instead of kissing me or even taking my hand in his, he stared at his shoes.

"I need to tell you something," he said anxiously.

"Okay. I'm all ears."

He started to wring his hands nervously. "I've never done this before."

I thought he was going to bring up Shawn again. I wasn't expecting this.

"Never?" I asked.

"Until last spring, I'd been dating my high school girlfriend. She was against premarital sex, so we never did it."

I knew he'd been in a long-term relationship because I remembered he'd taken the break-up pretty hard. There had been a couple weekends in a row where he'd started crying about it after drinking too many beers.

"That's okay," I said, though honestly, I wasn't particularly happy with his news.

I'd wanted a night of incredible sex to help erase Shawn from my brain. Would he even know what he was doing? I'd never been with a virgin and the idea didn't exactly appeal to me.

"Are you sure?"

"You know I'm not a virgin, obviously. I've been with half a dozen guys. Does that bug you?" I asked.

He hesitated before answering. "I don't really care about your total count, but it does bother me that you and Shawn had something going on. I don't know if I can compare to a celebrity."

I reached behind me and grabbed my gray fuzzy fleece throw blanket, wrapping it around my body. I suddenly felt oddly exposed.

I wanted to tell Mark I would never compare him to anyone else, but I knew that would be a lie. Shawn Mendes was on my mind a lot, often when I was with Mark. Yes, that was horrible, but I couldn't help it.

"You knew about me and Shawn when you and I started dating," I said.

Nodding, he said, "I know. But now that we're about to have sex, I'm feeling insecure."

I was touched by how honest he was. He was one of the sweetest people I'd ever met. I wondered if he was too good for me.

"I don't want you to feel that way," I told him.

"Can you just assure me that it's really over between the two of you?"

"I haven't been with Shawn in that sense since June," I said truthfully.

"And you're happy about that? You're not with me because you can't have him, are you?"

Fuck. Wasn't that exactly why I was with him? I was using him to move on from Shawn. But I did like Mark. I wouldn't have gone on this many dates if I didn't.

"Mark, I still think about Shawn a lot. I was hoping that if you and I got involved, I'd stop. I like you a lot."

He stood up and smiled at me. "I really appreciate that you told me the truth. I like you a lot, too. I've had a crush on you for months. I don't know if I can do this, though."

A flood of relief washed over me. As we'd talked, I'd realized that I didn't want this, either. It didn't feel right. It was ironic that having sex with the nicest guy in the world, who was totally crazy about me, felt wrong, yet having hate-sex with someone I never got along with had felt oh so right.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"No need to be. It's all good. I'm glad we talked before we had sex rather than after."

"Me, too."

Holy crap was that ever true. If I'd deflowered him and then we'd split up, things would have been so awkward.

I walked him to the living room where he put his shirt back on. I still had my blanket around me.

"I know we're going to see each other around, and I suspect that Mendes will be there sometimes, too. I don't want things to be weird between us, you know?"

"Are you going out tomorrow?" I asked him, knowing everyone was planning to go out drinking.

"I'll sit tomorrow out, I think."

"I can stay home. You don't have to be the one to not go out," I said. I really wouldn't mind, either. I was good at being anti-social.

"Naw. I don't like that shitty bar anyway," he said with a smile as he opened the door. "And Sadie, if he's on your mind, why don't you try to make things work? Don't settle for someone else."