Secrets Not Lies

Chapter Eleven - Angry

I was pushing pasta around on my plate mindlessly, the dimly lit restaurant making Brooklyn's features softer. She was rambling happily about something I'd stopped paying attention to after only a minute.

It was hard to ignore the guilt that stirred in my stomach as I stared at her absentmindedly, pretending to be listening. My eyes wandered to her lips, but instead of thinking about kissing her, I thought about Phil's face only inches away from mine.

There was another stab of guilt.

I still couldn't process the fact he and I had almost kissed and was trying my best to forget. It was awfully hard though, especially considering how terrible it made me feel when I thought about Brooklyn. Why was I thinking about that moment more than kissing her? The fact that it'd happened at all was already enough, but not being able to shake it from my mind was something else.

Phil pretended it hadn't happened, so I'd done the same. We didn't bring it up and I was dreading that one day he would. Saying out loud what had happened was bound to make me feel even worse.

"Dan?" Brooklyn said, her vaguely nervous tone snapping me from my thoughts. I realized she had stopped talking a couple minutes ago.

"Yeah?" I asked, her expression making my gut twist anxiously. She was avoiding my eyes, fiddling with a ring wrapped around her finger.

"I was sort of hoping you'd be the only to bring this up but..." She trailed off, clearly searching for words.

I urged her to continue, hoping my face didn't give away the pure feeling of dread I was experiencing.

"Well, we've been going on dates for a while but...what are we?" he asked in a soft voice. It was the first time I'd seen her as anything other than energetic and joyful.

That was the question I'd secretly been dreading for a while. We'd been going out for a couple weeks, which meant it was only a matter of time before it was brought up. I was slightly surprised she hadn't asked sooner.

My eyes shifted back to my nearly empty plate, feeling her gaze pinned to me. "I'm not sure," I supposed slowly.

I really hoped she didn't ask if we could become an official couple. I didn't want to hurt her feelings but something was holding me back from wanting a real relationship with her.

"Can we maybe, I don't know, make it official?" she proposed.

I desperately scrambled for an answer, not sure if I wanted to upset her by saying no. I knew I didn't want her to be my proper girlfriend quite yet, but I debated doing so just to make her happy. She did have the most beautiful smile and I loved seeing it.

"Brooklyn," I started, giving myself time to figure out the right words, "I don't want to hurt your feelings but—"

"So, that's a no," she stated. Her dull tone made my eyes dart back up to her, the expression on her face making my stomach drop regretfully.

We were both silent for a long minute as I racked my brain for anything to say. I wanted to make her feel better but didn't know what reassurance I could give her. I supposed I would want a relationship with her in the future, but I didn't know for sure.

I heard her sniffle which made me say the first thing that came to my mind. "I don't want to end things with you," I assured her. "We'll make it official sometime in the near feature, alright?"

Brooklyn looked at me through her eyelashes, her green eyes glossy as she gazed at me sorrowfully. "Why not now? Have I done something?"

"Of course not," I told her quickly, praying she didn't start crying. "It's just that we've only recently met and I want us to know each other a good amount before I start calling you my girlfriend."