Secrets Not Lies

Chapter Twelve - the Guilt

I was pulled from my peaceful slumber all too soon. Even in my groggy state, having just woken up, my mind was already spinning about the realization I'd made the evening before. 

I didn't know what I was, but I wasn't straight, that I'd reluctantly accepted.

Phil was already awake, I could tell by the sudden sound of pots and pans from the kitchen. I assumed he was making breakfast, which my stomach responded to with a painful longing for food. I clutched my stomach as it rumbled, remembered I'd gone to bed without supper.

I rolled from the warmth of my covers, instantly wishing I could curl up and go back to sleep. My need for food urged me from my bedroom though.

As I paused in the doorway to the kitchen, I caught Phil's attention. He turned from the sink where he was scrubbing dishes with a cheerful greeting that I returned with a blank look. I was feeling so many emotions that I portrayed none at all. My mind couldn't pick just one to settle on.

"Why'd you go to bed so early last night?" he asked curiously. "You seemed upset about something."

I shrugged silently, folding my arms as I leaned against the doorframe.

Phil's brows furrowed as he seemed to grow slightly concerned at my behavior. "You feeling alright?" he inquired.

Once again, I simply shrugged.

He took a step toward me and something inside me told me to shift away, but I didn't. 

"Is your head starting to hurt again?" he asked worriedly, sweeping my fringe aside to look at the healing bump.

I pushed his hand away from me, not liking the way my skin tingled under his fingertips. It wasn't doing anything to help my struggling mind.

"I'm fine," I told him dryly.

He looked at me, unconvinced. "Are you sure?" he questioned.

Ignoring his question, I walked around him, into the kitchen. I was hoping something would be cooking on the stove but there wasn't anything. "What's for breakfast?" I asked blankly.

"Actually," he said as he returned to the sink, "I already ate. I was just doing the washing up."

I eyed the clock, noticing it was far earlier in the morning than I'd thought. "Why'd you eat so early?"

Phil started to scrub away at a pan in the sink. "Gabe's coming 'round soon," he informed me.

"Oh." Out of all the conflicted emotions inside me, I recognized jealousy as the most intense one.

I grabbed my box of cereal before fetching a bowl, spoon, and the milk from the fridge. I silently went and sat at the table. I made sure to eat quickly, not knowing when Gabe was due to show up. I didn't want to run into him since he was probably one of the last people I wanted to see. Hate was a strong word, but I definitely didn't have any reason to like him.

After I wolfed down my bowl of cereal, I left my dishes beside the sink where Phil was still washing others.

I went straight back to my room, flopping onto my bed. I hated Phil for having Gabe over again, as now I knew I couldn't leave my room. I didn't want to run in on them eating each other's faces again. I didn't think I could handle that.

I didn't understand what I was so jealous about. Maybe, I supposed, it was the fact he was spending time with someone other than me. I wanted to spend a whole day playing Crash Bandicoot with him again or doing something just the two of us.

Even as I told myself it was just his company I longed for, I found myself desiring something different from him. Something completely different. I wanted to pick up where we'd left off at Chris's house before Pj interrupted us.