Poker Face

Chapter 61 - Away From You

Aven stormed up the stairs towards her and Negan's room, fuming at his nerve. He never talked to her like that, or at least he hadn't in the weeks since they'd grown inseparable; she wasn't subordinate like everyone else and she refused to be treated that way. When she reached the bedroom door she tensed thinking about how much time she'd had to spend in that room in the previous days. It was too early to turn in for the night and she still needed more time not confined. She opened the door and slipped inside for a moment only to get her sweatshirt before heading back out the door and up towards the roof.

Once outside, she put her hood up and dragged her tired body over to a large vent protruding from the roof. She leaned back against the cold metal and slid down so she was sitting with her knees pulled up to her chest. The sun had set over an hour ago and the air cooled in the darkness, the brisk autumn wind making it even colder, but Aven didn't mind. It just felt good to be outside, and it felt good to be alone in the vast, open space. She didn't realize how much she'd missed the peaceful solitude, even though she now couldn't bear the thought of being away from Negan.

It was completely quiet except for the occasional pop of gunfire or an indistinguishable call from the Saviors clearing walkers and preparing to move out. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the vent, savoring the chilly wind on her skin and momentarily clearing her mind for the first time in weeks. She still had vague, tight aches in her stomach and her head felt balloon-light, not to mention the stitches in the crook of her neck weren't difficult to agitate. She felt like a useless mess and she just wanted to be back on her feet for good.

Her peaceful moment was shattered by her own thoughts racing back and she could feel herself getting angrier and angrier at Negan. She knew he treated her better than anyone else at the Sanctuary (possibly better than anyone else ever) but she wasn't about to settle for allowing him to order her around unconditionally. He hadn't said much to offend her, but what he did say and the tone in which he said it wasn't something she cared to be subjected to. Yes, she told him she belonged to him, but she didn't belong to him...and if he thought she did, then they had a problem. Negan was the type of person who did the extent of what he could get away with; that's what he'd done when he cheated on Lucille and it's what he was doing now as a tyrannical leader. She needed to make it clear what he couldn't get away with like she'd done when he'd blamed her for Daryl's escape.

She was growing angrier at herself too because Negan was right: she apparently couldn't be trusted not to make stupid decisions that could get her killed. She thought she was smarter than to run out into a fight she couldn't handle, and at one time she definitely was, but that day proved to her she'd lost her touch. Ever since the day Negan found her in the woods, the day she left her bag by the road and gave away her position, she'd been making questionable decisions based on emotions towards Negan, the worst arguably being shooting one of his wives in the head without a second thought (although she found that incident concerned her very little in the grand scheme of things).

Her pride was getting in the way and it made her ineffective. She felt she personally needed to help Negan all the time but, unlike in the past, had to force herself to remember what she logically could and couldn't accomplish as one particularly small person, especially now in her weak condition. She was furious at herself for doing something that made Negan's concerns completely justified; he was right to want her somewhere else but she wasn't interested in being anywhere unless he was there. Or at least she hadn't been interested until she'd had time to stew over his attitude.

She began to realize maybe she could use some time away, time to come back to herself without Negan coddling her or ordering her around. She was becoming complacent and she didn't like it. The thought of being away from Negan terrified her, partially because she worried he'd be killed before she could ever see him again, but as she calmed down, she realized he was right. The outpost was the better place for her to be at the moment. It was safer and it's where the doctor would be. But it didn't have Negan and if she lost him while she was away, she'd never forgive herself.