Poker Face

Chapter 78 - Back and Forth

A/N - This is a weird little filler chapter to transition things. To help get my ideas out, it's in first person, present tense (the rest of the chapters will stay in third/past).

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Aven

How did it come to this and who the fuck am I anymore? Negan clearly has no respect for my autonomy and what's more, he insists on leading in a way that I'm sure will get him killed sooner or later. And yet I have no intention of leaving his side. This didn't used to be me. I used to be stronger, I didn't need anyone, I didn't want anyone. Now he's all I want, a brutal, violent tyrant.

I know I'm not above him. I've made my mistakes, taken lives that didn't deserve it, and at the end of the day it bothers me much less than it should. But it still bothers me. The consequences of Negan's ego bother me even more. His arrogance reminds me of my own, but at least I can turn it off. At least I can admit my mistakes and learn from them.

I don't know what I expected from him back there...Yes I do. I expected him to get angry and that's exactly what happened. I didn't expect to get so angry myself though. I don't think what I was suggesting was that outrageous, but now that I bitched him out there's no way he'll hear it. If I were more like him I'd say he made me bitch him out and piss him off, but again, I guess that's one of the differences between us: I know how the fuck to take responsibility.

Ugh, that's not fair, he's responsible. He managed to build this place up...he just isn't responsible enough to keep it going. No, that's not right either. I know he's capable of seeing past his own pride. He did it for me, so why won't he do it for himself and his people?

Negan

An inadequate leader. That's what she called me. I knew she could be a fucking bitch but that was un-fucking-called for. I can't see past my huge swinging dick? She's the one who jumped my bones the second I bashed those fuckers' brains in. She didn't put out until the day after we found the Alexandrians and I don't think that's a fucking coincidence. She knows what we're doing here and she supports it whether or not she's admitting it to herself right now. There's a little too much of the old world's humanity left in her and I can tell she struggles with it.

She told me just last fucking week that she wanted them all dead. We fucking faught about it when I was going to spare them, so she should be fucking happy now. I don't know why she's trying to redefine what's going on. I know she's not naïve, and she herself isn't exactly the most hesitant with the lives she takes either. So what the fuck was that all about?

At least I know what to do now. Hell, I think I had my mind made up from the beginning. I really would have liked to have her approval but I never needed anyone's fucking approval before and I don't need it now. She thinks I'm inadequate? I'll show her just how fucking adequate I am when I come home to her tomorrow with Rick's head, with everything there is to scavenge from the Hilltop, and maybe even a select few survivors if I'm feeling generous.

That should make her happy. She won't keep looking down on me after a victory like that. She won't be able to turn her nose up when I remind her how much power we have. She loves the power. She wouldn't have fallen for an asshole like me if I was a nobody.

Aven

I don't care what he says, I'm going tomorrow. I need to see it for myself, I need to see that nothing happens to him.