» Photographs | #michaeng

Photo #12

21 July 2015

"I'm home!"

Not even the sound of my girlfriend could make me move my ass away from my favorite spot. I hunched in front of my laptop, watching boring videos while munching away a packet of chips.

"What are you doing?" I heard Mina approached me from behind.

I ignored her.

"Are you deaf?" my body lurched forward as she gave me a slight push. I shrugged her away.

"I heard you. You're too loud," I clicked my tongue, not even sparing her a glance.

Suddenly, a hand appeared within my vision and before I knew it, the packet was snatched away from my hands.

"What the fuck?" I spun around to face Mina, "Give it back to me!"

"Have you been eating this for lunch?" She eyed the pile of empty packets on my desk, "It's unhealthy, Chaeyoung."

"You weren't here at lunch time. You said you would be here. Where were you? Sneaking away with your shit face colleague? So, don't tell me what to do," I spat at her.

"I told you, my boss called for an emergency meeting," she tried to reason with me.

I scoffed. I caught her talking with her male colleague the other day. To hell I would believe her.

"Lies," I shook my head. I turned my attention back to my laptop, not wanting to waste another second with that bitch.

"Did you clean the house?" she continued to push me but all she got was cold shoulder.

"You did not, didn't you?"

"Leave me alone," I flipped her the finger.

"Fine! Be that way. I'm sick of you," she stormed off.

I kicked back my chair and chased her down to our bedroom. She threw herself on the bed, her tears soaking the covers. The sight was supposed to be sad but I was too self-absorbed to care.

"You're sick of me, aren't you?" I pulled her up, her teary eyes facing me, dark ink of mascara trickled down her cheeks.

"Chaeyoung, please," she groaned, trying to free her wrists from my restraints.

"Answer me!"

"Don't be like this. You're really hurting me," Mina was on the verge of tears, but nothing could stop me when I was literally burning in anger and despair. 

"You're sick of me! I knew it! I'm sick of myself too! You know that, right?" 

"Stop it, Chaeyoung!" Mina's yell struck through my fuzzy brain. I looked at her, "Let go of me." 

I loosen my grip, a wave of guilt washed over me. 

"Go to sleep, Chaeyoung. You're tired," she climbed out of bed, avoiding my gaze. 

"Mi-Mina, I'm sorry," these days, I said my apologies almost like an automatic robot, a feeble attempt to mend things. I couldn't help how I feel. Sometimes I felt on top of the world; most of the time I felt empty, like I had limbs and a head but I was hallow. I couldn't help how I act. I wanted to jump off a cliff or bang myself onto the wall just to see if I can break. 

"Don't say sorry. You're not," still avoiding to look me in the eyes, Mina gently lowered me to the pillows, "I'm going to fetch your meds."

I protested, "Damn the meds. I don't want them. They make me feel tired." 

Mina sighed, "Chaeyoung, we've been through this many times. The doctor said-" 

I interrupted, sliding into the covers, "The doctor can go fuck herself. I'm hopeless. Nothing can help me."