the lives of butterflies

year 1 - buttonholes (winter)

How long has it been since Master and I became bonded? The trees have lost their leaves, now, and the wind is colder than before. The sky is grayer each morning, and it is harder to persuade Master to leave his bed.

Tonight, though, he is restless, pacing around the room. At his tiny gesture, a simple bend of the finger - I leave my covers and stand before him. There is a pile of clothing on his bed. I supposed it was time to see which of his clothing would fit me for winter.

He lifts up a shirt. "Try this on."

I stare at the moon as I slip out of my own thin shirt and into his. The fabric is quite soft. I feel a slight breeze, and when I look down I notice how open the neckline is.

Master watches me. "Hm, this looks fine. I can see your collar now. You look like... a rocker." He bends his arms like he is playing Mother and Father's guitar, but jerks back and forth violently while making buzzing sound effects.

I twitch my ears, amused. "It feels good, Master."

"Good. Put on the pants."

"My tail cannot fit in it, Master."

"Uh... can't you do something about it? Like, make it invisible?"

"No. The pants are unable get up all the way."

"So that's why you never wear pants?"

"Yes."

"What about your... underwear?" He sounds uncomfortable.

"Mother cuts a special hole in the back so that my tail will fit." Suddenly, my entire body heats up, like I've stepped into the sun. "There is a button to seal the waistband. Like for these pants, but on the opposite side. My face is on fire. "With that, I can slip my tail through."

He laughs, but it sounds guarded. "You can't get away from this that easily. Maybe I'll ask Mother to make some real pants for you."

"She said she will make changes to your old pants so that I can fit my tail through."

"What?! How'd she get ahead of me?!"

"I asked that she not bother herself, because I do not feel bitter cold easily. She said she will think about it."

"Okay, fine. She wins. Put on this shirt."

I slip out of the open-neckline shirt, fold it, and place it in Master's waiting hands. I hold the new shirt out, which hangs open with a line of buttons down the front. I look up at him. "I may need assistance, Master."

"Dumb dog! It's a button-up shirt. You wear them for fancy events. Like the school dance. In the spring. Put the sleeves on first. With the open part facing me. Like you're wearing a jacket."

I slide my arms into the sleeves, then look down at the buttons. I look up at him, wanting help, but he is staring down at my bare front. When I catch him, he jumps and looks straight into my eyes. I look just below his gaze, careful to not make eye contact.

He sighs. "Here, I'll show you. I'll do the bottom up, and you do the top down. Actually, just sit on the bed. It'll be easier."

I sit and his hands hover over the bottom of the shirt.

"Mm, actually, you start from the bottom. I don't wanna touch your dick."

I watch as he slips a button into the slot across from it. The fabric and his fingertips tickle my skin. I start buttoning at the bottom, copying the movements. He buttons a few more before letting his hands drop, but not before our hands brush slightly as he pulls away. He freezes. I stare at him, watching his face.

He sighs. "Just keep going." When I finish, he tilts his head, crosses his arms, and frowns. "Not bad. It's kind of big on you."

"It is your shirt, after all, Master."

He is still looking at me. I move to unbutton the shirt. "I think we should go to sleep now." I unbutton the whole thing before I realize how quiet it is. "Master?" I look up at him through my lashes.

He pounces on me, pushing me against the bed. I yelp, and he covers my mouth. "Don't move," he whispers.

I go limp, staring up at him. I cannot tell what his eyes are holding. Our breathing is heavy. Our hearts beat like the wings of trapped birds, our pulses race as if we have been running through the forest together.

Finally, he stands back up. I slip the shirt off, my fingers shaking, and hand it to him. "...Here, Master. Thank you for letting me wear your shirts."

"It was nothing," he says quietly, looking straight at me. "That's how I want to surprise Merle."

"Who is Merle?"

"You know, that girl you met on the first day."

"Oh. Yes. I remember her."

"I think she wants to go out with me."

"Is that a good thing, Master?"

"Way more than good." He sniffs the button shirt. "Hm, that's weird. It already smells like you." He sniffs it again, deeper, then frowns. "It doesn't smell bad. It's like your tail." He pauses. "Wait." He leans over the place where we lay on the bed and sniffs. "Kai, you can't lie on my bed anymore. I don't want Merle thinking that I like someone else."

"Yes, Master."

He stops, his lips open slightly in a laugh. "Say that again."

I pull back my ears. There is a dark urgency in his voice. "Yes... Master." My voice does not shake. I look up at him again.

His pupils grow huge, and there is an energy that moves in the room. It is the feeling you get in your stomach before you jump from a cliff into the lake, or when you look back at the ground after climbing a tree. The energy I felt on the night we bonded.

It disappears, but his face twists in confusion. We look away from each other.

"Master. Are you okay?" I slowly move my eyes back to his face. He flops onto his bed, sighing quietly, staring at the ceiling.

"Yes, Kai. Go to bed."

"Do you need water, Master?"

"No. I'll get it myself. Go to bed."

"Okay. Good night."

"Good night."

I lay in bed and face the wall. Close my eyes, relaxing my body and listening for his movement, his breathing. He slips out of bed and leaves the room. I hear him pouring water, then walking back. I feel his eyes on me, but I remain still. He drinks, then sets the cup on the desk. I hear him placing the clothing on his chair, then nestling into his blankets. He does not move.

But it is a long time before he falls asleep.