the lives of butterflies

year 5 - disguises (summer pt.2)

My ears pull back. He won't try to seduce me, will he? Was he lying about not being able to hurt me? Could I die a second time? Would I turn into a wolf? My breathing is too fast.

"Calm down, Kai. I've told you. It is impossible to even try hurting anyone in the afterworld. This is where our souls rest and we settle matters like these." He stretches his wings again before sitting down. He leans his elbows on his knees and stares at me. With those eyes. He huffs again. "And stop staring at me like that. I'm not that scary. Look at these beautiful wings."

My ears flatten. "Then why do you always stare at me?"

"Well." His eyes glow bright. "What do you know about the incubus, Kai?"

My hair prickles. "...You're really an incubus."

"Yes," he purrs. "That's right. Jacob is an incubus."

"We thought they were extinct."

"That's what everyone wants to believe."

"But you looked completely human."

"Yes. You see, we have to survive, too. And sometimes our souls choose to be born in a human's form, but with an incubus' mind. We grow up, pretending to be the son of an honest, hard-working family who might decide to have a daughter later on. But we know, from the moment we enter that life, that it's only a matter of time before human food stops satisfying us completely. Upon adolescence, we begin to crave sex to sustain ourselves."

I tilt my head. Was this what Alli was going through?

He laughs at my confusion. "Adolescence, or the time of sexual maturity, is a little different for humans and incubi. Human children who are in adolescence don't need sex to survive. They need food and water, or they die. But an incubus needs sex. If he doesn't have it, then he becomes very sick, mentally and physically. It's not very pleasant."

"Is that why you looked so tired all the time?"

"Yes. Very good. Yes, I was very, very hungry. All the time. When I came back to the village to research you, I knew I would be very close to starving. I couldn't feed on any of the villagers there."

"Why?"

"Sex with an incubus tends to change humans. They begin to crave it. They become addicted. It becomes the only thing they want in life. And in a village, others will notice that change in you." He looks at me. "You must have felt differently after we started meeting."

"You knew."

"Yes. Fortunately, you are not human. So the effects on you are not as strong."

"What about Alli?"

"Do you remember the night in the snow, as we did the custom?"

I freeze.

"He did drink a little beer, like I said. But then he became a little... curious. I let him do what he wanted to me."

I bristle. "You let him?"

"I did, Kyrov. He wanted a lot of things, but he settled for touching. Some kissing."

I growl. The look he gives me makes me stop.

"I didn't do anything to him. I refused to touch him or kiss him back until you caught me kissing his hand."

I am strangely relieved. "You didn't hurt him at all?"

"No, Kyrov."

"What about when he said..." I take a breath. "Why did he want to transfer me to you?"

"I asked him so I could test what the bond was like. He said yes."

"But he didn't remember."

"No, he did not. It was most likely magic that made him forget a lot." He stretches his wings. "Humans think that when an incubus visits them, it's just a very arousing dream. They don't realize that the incubus has actually had sex with them. In Alair's case, although we didn't do much, it must have been enough to make him forget nearly the whole night."

"It sounds like powerful magic."

"What's so powerful about forgetting things?"

I look away. "Not much."

"I wouldn't mind if incubi were forgotten. But there will always be some out there. And you cannot hide anything forever."

Details of our last night float back to me. "What were you really planning, Jacob?"

He laughs. "Do you want to know what it's like to starve when you are an incubus?"

"What is it like?"

"It's like waking up each morning drenched in sweat, and it's the hottest day of summer. And at the same time, it is the coldest winter. You're always walking underwater, and none of your thoughts or anything you hear or say makes sense. You start to confuse who your family and friends are. They will think you are crazy. They take you to a doctor, who thinks you are malnourished, dehydrated, and very sick. But nothing works. So they take you to a seer. And then the truth about you is revealed."

My throat closes.

He smiles again. "So to prevent that, you look for all the different ways to have sex. At night, you visit the homes of strangers. You prostitute yourself. You visit the hospice. You go around and fuck everyone who isn't important to you so you can feed on every drop of their sexual energy. And they love it. No one loses. But slowly, they go crazy. And eventually, they die. You cut their lives short so that you can survive. Isn't that great, Kyrov? Isn't that a wonderful bargain? Exchanging lust and desire, for life?"

I just stare at him. "...That sounds like a terrible fate."

"Yes, Kai. Think about why I wanted to leave the village."

You were very young when you left to study, far away, and never return. And when you entered adolescence... when food and water could no longer satiate you...

A pit forms in my stomach.

"Yes, Kyrov. It is not easy to hide in a tiny village. But in the world outside of it, there is plenty of space. There are many more beings. Even though the seers and wizards and sometimes wolves will know, humans will not. They never do. They always pray that you visit them. And so I did. I even had favorites." He frowns. "But then..."

I catch myself moving closer to him to listen, my whole body alert. "But then...?"

"I fucked an omega for the first time."